#1
This is a song i wrote a few minutes ago. its in a very weird rhythm, and it probably won't flow to well if you can't hear how its supposed to be sung but anyway heres the song.

[]=screamed line
{}=sang with more force than the rest of the words

Just Care

Verse 1


can you see these people dying?
can you hear their mothers crying?
do you think that God is sighing
[at what we have become]

all this blood is shed
these poor boys are dead
They're {he}roes but
is that what they believed in?
is that what we believe in?

Chorus


they died for me,
and they {died} for you
so if theres nothing else
that we can do
just care

Second Verse


they've created freedom
in a foreign land
they traveled over seas
and tore Saddams hand
away from his people
Away from {His} people

all the lives that they've saved
and they've still not been praised
by the very people whose lives depend
on how this war will end

Chorus 2


They didn't die for me
but they [died] for you
so if theres nothing else that you can do
just care

Interlude


cause maybe soon your kids can walk home safe

Chorus 3

They died for me
and they died for you
so if theres nothing else that we can do
just care

Interlude 2


cause they've helped this world
and we've yet to tak our turn
theres so much that we could learn
if we open our eyes
if we opened our eyes to see
what this world is now
and what it could be
if we only cared

so yea, idk if you can appreciate it fully over the computer, but hopefully you can, and crit for crit, just message me a link to something you've written.
#2
[]=screamed line
{}=sang with more force than the rest of the words

Verse 1

can you see these people dying?
can you hear their mothers crying?
do you think that God is sighing
[at what we have become]
The dying crying rhyme doesn't really do much for me. Its been used a bit too much I think.

all this blood is shed
these poor boys are dead
They're {he}roes but
is that what they believed in?
is that what we believe in?
First line I would have put 'all this blood has been shed' only because to me that flows better. But, like you said, it would probly work better if I knew the rhythm lol.

Chorus

they died for me,
and they {died} for you
so if theres nothing else
that we can do
just care
I like the chorus. Nothing wrong with it in my opinion.

Second Verse

they've created freedom
in a foreign land
they traveled over seas
and tore Saddams hand
away from his people
Away from {His} people
A bit strange, but I like it.

all the lives that they've saved
and they've still not been praised
by the very people whose lives depend
on how this war will end
'Still not been praised' sounds a bit weird to me. I definitely think the last two lines are amazingly crucial to the whole story of the piece.

Chorus 2

They didn't die for me
but they [died] for you
so if theres nothing else that you can do
just care

Interlude

cause maybe soon your kids can walk home safe
Very nice interlude here. I love it. Short and sweet.

Chorus 3
They died for me
and they died for you
so if theres nothing else that we can do
just care

Interlude 2

cause they've helped this world
and we've yet to tak our turn
theres so much that we could learn
if we open our eyes
if we opened our eyes to see
what this world is now
and what it could be
if we only cared
This is awesome. I love the idea of the two interludes. And i love the last line. Really puts the whole piece to a close.

Awesome man. I really liked that. Keep it up.