#1
The Wall of Yawn


infected by eternal master
awakened into the unknown
affected by mortal predominant
timeless cyclic drone

suffering through their stagger;
strangled by embodiment
deviants destructors of the wall;
slaves a canonical adherent

sleepless in an infinite coma
on course in an infinite loop
infinite darkness fades
breaking through to the other side

light travels through holes
transparent holes in translucent wall
cloaked with insanity in translucent world
subconciously opaque, guiling the thrall

asleep in an infinite coma
on course in an infinite loop
infinite light fades
breaking through to the other side

distinguished with a yawn
an attempt to break through
choked by a chain
unlocked by a few

inherent key of perception
poised within the abyss
door locked by deception
manifest the darkness
Last edited by theWallofYAWN at Jan 10, 2008,
#2
tmv-ish.

this makes no sense, in a good way.
MBOX2 - PRO TOOLS LE 7.3.1 - CUBASE SX3 - REASON 4
ATTACK_DECAY_SUSTAIN_RELEASE_
#3
In the 3rd and 5th stanza I don't like the repetition of infinite. Maybe you can try somethin like this:
'sleepless in an infinite coma
on course in an absolute loop
endless darkness fades'
Or you could try one of these words: myriad, eternal, limitless etc.

"under individual control"
-This line doesn't seem to flow with the rest of the stanza because of the word 'individual'. It has too many syllables imho. Maybe try: 'under single control' or 'separate control'

"transparent holes in translucent wall
cloaked with insanity in translucent world"
-Here the repetition of the translucent word bothers me. The verses are brilliantly written in general and this takes away that brilliance a bit. U could try one of these words in 1 of the lines: opaque, diffused

Overall nice work man. If you don't mind: Calcify <--- link
#4
what's tmv-ish mean?

as for the repeated use of 'infinite' .. i could use different words but many of the synonyms i thought of had a slightly different meaning. i wanted it to mean something that has not seen a complete end but is still not truly endless. i also felt that the repetition gave a more clear image of similarity in the meaning. also with some of these lines, and a mind-set through the whole thing, i tried not to keep a strict structure but wrote it sort of lazily like prose with some structure to it to give a loose feeling (at least while writing it) with a bit of flow.

as for my use of 'translucent' .. i used it repeatedly because i was trying to give a more clear image to the meaning of the lines by comparing the nouns that way. i used opaque in the next line to give meaning the way i intended.

as for the word 'individual' .. if you look back now, ive changed it. thanks for pointing it out. as i said before, i wrote it in a lazy way (partially an excuse for lack of anything) and by that point i just wanted to get it over with as long as i got the meaning out clear enough to make sense. at the time i couldnt come up with any words giving what i thought would be a clear message of the abyss in that stanza being a metaphor for a persons mind. ive now change it to 'inherent' and it should work out better for flow and possibly even meaning.

thanks for the crit. forgive me if i take a while to do yours. im new to all of this. but i will try.
#5
Hey. Ok, I'm not gonna say to much but i'll edit this later. For now, first impressions: I like it. The word choices were pretty impressive, and the style is quite original and cool. Personally I liked the repitition of words like 'infinite'. Im not in a great state of mind right now to look for a meaning in this, but like I said, I'll say more later. & Thanks for the crit on mine.
#6
Quote by theWallofYAWN

infected by eternal master
awakened into the unknown
affected by mortal predominant
timeless cyclic drone

I love the first and last lines... they are amazing, however the middle two seem a bit sub-par compared to those (in my mind), all are awesome, just the first and last steal the show.

suffering through their stagger;
strangled by embodiment
deviants destructors of the wall;
slaves a canonical adherent

I like the rhyme in this one, and I like the opening line again. I'll be honest though, I'm really not following any sort of meaning to this.

sleepless in an infinite coma
on course in an infinite loop
infinite darkness fades
breaking through to the other side

I like the first two infinites, however, the 3rd one seems off... If I'm reading this right, it seems you could substitute "The Realm of" for infinite, or any other epic sounding 3 syllable phrase.

light travels through holes
transparent holes in translucent wall
cloaked with insanity in translucent world
subconciously opaque, guiling the thrall

I do like the repetition of translucent here, because it flows well. I love this verse (I'm a physics major... and I like light), its easily my favorite. The phrase "cloaked with insanity in translucent world" made me have to change my pants... its spectacular.

asleep in an infinite coma
on course in an infinite loop
infinite light fades
breaking through to the other side

Done already see above

distinguished with a yawn
an attempt to break through
choked by a chain
unlocked by a few

Quite possible the darkest feeling verse in the whole piece. I like it. Yet, it seems a little under-verbose for the rest of your piece. Your diction has been spectacular throughout, much better than I could do.. however, this seems like something I could write. Don't get me wrong, I think it sounds good, just seems a little simple compared to the rest of the piece, which makes it feel a little out of place.

the key floats
within the abyss
under inherent control
manifest the darkness

I would have preferred if you left "the" out of the last line and just left it "manifest darkness." Which might make a little less sense, but I think it just is a stronger and better way to finish up the piece. I like the imagery of the key though, and I think this might be the best stanza as far as making sense, and allowing the reader/listener to follow along, due to imagery.



Good piece, look forward to reading more. I still didn't really understand it though.
#7
Well, I HAD to read this, since my username is Yawn and my band name is Wall of Skin...

Anyways, I appreciate your attempt at using strong diction, but lots of these phrases make no grammatical sense. You use verbs as nouns, nouns as verbs, and adjectives as nouns. And some of the imagery is puzzling - what are transparent holes?

Other than that, it's at least ambitious as a literary work, which I do appreciate. Like the title.

[Oh, and TMV = The Mars Volta]
#8
thanks to all for typing out your thoughts, i appreciate it.

i dont excel at writing proper english (although it is my primary language) and rarely do things that require it, so overall im rough around the edges. i tried avoiding what you said i did in my writing, but would appreciate if you gave me examples of the grammatical errors i made. i could probably learn some things from your advice, thanks.

as for the last couple stanzas, at that point i just wanted to get it over with and i could see that it was off from the rest of it, but at the same time i think it helps for people to see into it and also, maybe it works as a bit of a wind down. also in the last line, taking out "the" could work the way you said, but youre right, i wanted it to more clearly make sense; win/lose in that situation i think.

as for the holes .. the "wall" is disguised within the world, and as holes are made, they are transparent because you can see into them more clearly (light coming through clearly) and they are set apart from the translucent wall and the world around it.
Last edited by theWallofYAWN at Sep 7, 2007,
#9
honestly i dont like how people give massively long crits picking apart every little part of the song or poem. i know im not a literary genius and neither are any of the other teenagers on this sight so i dont do big incisive rhetorics on whats good and bad lol.... but all in all i enjoyed it. its a little random but concludes very well. i also liked yur other one... but it was closed so i couldn't say it there.