#1
heres a song about a person who meant, and still means, the world to me, and about a moment that changed my life.

btw - the part in italics is supposed to be a spoken voice over a phone.

WHEN THE GUARDIAN ANGEL SLEEPS AT HIS POST

My oath it lies shattered
On the rocks by the sea
And her body lies broken
In some mortuary drawer
With a tag that just mocks my broken heart

I swore to her once
That i wouldn't let
The winter come down
On us where we lay
That i would protect her from the dark

But in the summer
Through glass blew the wind and the cold
Screeching tyres
Twisted metal, blood, screams and fire

"Luke? It's Jenny. Theres been an accident. It's Sarah. You need to
get to the hospital now! Come quickly. Please."


I'm a liar and a fake
If the promise i make
Is just so many empty words
And if my tears were the stars
Then the night would be brighter than the day

Then a doctor came out
And with a shake of his head
Turned the world upside down
Said "we did all we could"
Crushed my promise in the fingers of his hand

In the summer,
Through the glass blew the wind and the cold
Screeching tyres
Twisted metal, blood, screams and fire

Where was the god that she loved
when she needed him most?
Did plan it himself
Or just turn a blind eye?
Was he sleeping while she bled her life away?

What did she do wrong
That she deserved this?
Was it some tiny sin?
Did she reap what she sowed?
Or is this part of a ****ed-up masterplan?

In the summer
Through the glass blew the wind and the cold
Screeching tyres
Twisted metal, blood, screams and fire

When i lie in my bed
Can't escape what i've done
I'm the cause of it all
I'm pushing the buttons
On screeching tyres, twisted metal, blood, screams and fire

I loved you but i let you down
_________________________

i really want to get this song right because it's really important to me.
so any help you can offer would be fantastic
cheers.
course i'll crit anyone's work who asks
#2
Wow.
Very impressive. I'm so so so very sorry that happened to you man. Thats sad.
The piece really touched me, it was very good, very meaningful.
Especially the part in italics.

#3
thanks man. im really glad it touched you. hopefully it puts across the emotion i want it to.
cheers for your condolences. guess writing about it is my way of laying it to rest. hope so, anyway
#4
Quote by pianoman13
heres a song about a person who meant, and still means, the world to me, and about a moment that changed my life.

btw - the part in italics is supposed to be a spoken voice over a phone.

WHEN THE GUARDIAN ANGEL SLEEPS AT HIS POST

My oath it lies shattered
On the rocks by the sea
And her body lies broken
In some mortuary drawer
With a tag that just mocks my broken heart
Good intro, sorry if i missed it but are the rocks by the sea something personal to you, because even thoguh it works, it doesnt seem to fit with the overall piece.

I swore to her once
That i wouldn't let
The winter come down
On us where we lay
That i would protect her from the dark
Excellent. Love how this intertwines with the 2nd line of the chorus, and a part later on in the piece about tears and stars.

But in the summer
Through glass blew the wind and the cold
Screeching tyres
Twisted metal, blood, screams and fire
I'd like to hear this bit to music to see how it fits before i pass judgement on the flow. Otherwise great.

"Luke? It's Jenny. Theres been an accident. It's Sarah. You need to
get to the hospital now! Come quickly. Please."

Ties the whole piece together.

I'm a liar and a fake
If the promise i make
Is just so many empty words
And if my tears were the stars
Then the night would be brighter than the day
Link to the start of the song with the dark/night imagery. Really shows emotion in the first line

Then a doctor came out
And with a shake of his head
Turned the world upside down
Said "we did all we could"
Crushed my promise in the fingers of his hand
another good stanza. Maybe have the bit of what the doctor says talked by another member of the band when you perform this?

In the summer,
Through the glass blew the wind and the cold
Screeching tyres
Twisted metal, blood, screams and fire

Where was the god that she loved
when she needed him most?
Did plan it himself
Or just turn a blind eye?
Was he sleeping while she bled her life away?

What did she do wrong
That she deserved this?
Was it some tiny sin?
Did she reap what she sowed?
Or is this part of a ****ed-up masterplan?
These two stanazas are also very good.Now moving from anger to more confusion you really get the feel of what you went through. very powerful.

In the summer
Through the glass blew the wind and the cold
Screeching tyres
Twisted metal, blood, screams and fire

When i lie in my bed
Can't escape what i've done
I'm the cause of it all
I'm pushing the buttons
On screeching tyres, twisted metal, blood, screams and fire
I don't really understand this, but again this is proabably soemthing personal to you and what happened.

I loved you but i let you down
_________________________


Overall a very good piece.
Im very sorry for your loss, this is a great piece to honour their memory.
Quote by the bartender
^ this man knows his stuff.
#5
Quote by pianoman13
heres a song about a person who meant, and still means, the world to me, and about a moment that changed my life.

btw - the part in italics is supposed to be a spoken voice over a phone.

WHEN THE GUARDIAN ANGEL SLEEPS AT HIS POST

My oath it lies shattered
On the rocks by the sea
And her body lies broken
In some mortuary drawer
With a tag that just mocks my broken heart

A good opener. I can't help but put this to an emo/screamo song in my head though. I think its the use of "shattered" and "broken heart." Besides that though, a good description I think of the whole song.

I swore to her once
That i wouldn't let
The winter come down
On us where we lay
That i would protect her from the dark

I like this line better than the first. Not much to say I guess.

But in the summer
Through glass blew the wind and the cold
Screeching tyres
Twisted metal, blood, screams and fire

I like the imagery of the wind blowing through the glass, I think that was a really cool and original way of putting it. I don't understand, though, why it would be cold in the summer? And I thought you were supposed to protect her from the winter? Maybe I just read it wrong. Personally, I think the blood screams and fire part is a bit too much, ya know? I wouldn't want to remember someone I loved that way, but thats just a personal thing.

"Luke? It's Jenny. Theres been an accident. It's Sarah. You need to
get to the hospital now! Come quickly. Please."


Generally I don't like samples in music, but this seems to fit.

I'm a liar and a fake
If the promise i make
Is just so many empty words
And if my tears were the stars
Then the night would be brighter than the day

I think this is probably your strongest stanza. It's much more mature than the others while still being very "pretty" poetic, if ya know what I mean.

Then a doctor came out
And with a shake of his head
Turned the world upside down
Said "we did all we could"
Crushed my promise in the fingers of his hand

This one's good, but I feel its overshadowed by the verse before it. Not as much emotion, it kinda just carries the story along.

In the summer,
Through the glass blew the wind and the cold
Screeching tyres
Twisted metal, blood, screams and fire

Chorus again.

Where was the god that she loved
when she needed him most?
Did plan it himself
Or just turn a blind eye?
Was he sleeping while she bled her life away?

What did she do wrong
That she deserved this?
Was it some tiny sin?
Did she reap what she sowed?
Or is this part of a ****ed-up masterplan?

Eeh, I don't like these two. They just seem really immature and out of place. I thought this was supposed to be about her? I dunno, if you could make the piece from the point of view of a young teenager or something, it might fit better, but I suggest you redo them or just take them out.

In the summer
Through the glass blew the wind and the cold
Screeching tyres
Twisted metal, blood, screams and fire

Chorus again.

When i lie in my bed
Can't escape what i've done
I'm the cause of it all
I'm pushing the buttons
On screeching tyres, twisted metal, blood, screams and fire

I loved you but i let you down

This kinda seems out of place too. You haven't explained your role in this besides holding a promise. If you perhaps hinted or foreshadowed through out the song, I think this would be a great closer. The very last line is great though. Its so simple yet it holds so much emotion.



I liked it, its full of emotion and a good story. I'm sorry you had to go through this, this is one of my worst nightmares. I think with a little tweaking this could be an awesome song.