#1
The Genre is hardcore, lyrics will be screamed. C4C


His Words Fall on Deaf Ears

I wish she’d take a step back
Before she assesses the situation
She’s working with an incomplete map
And shooting with a blindfold on

There’s no blood on my hands
There’s no money lining my pockets
This white house doesn’t contain a black knight
I’m just pinning tails on donkeys yet to be drawn
There’s no lies within these words
But there’s no trust anymore
Has it all really come to this?
Are we really this helpless?

She’s wearing a straightjacket
With closed eyes and a closed mind
There’s no getting through to her
Her opinions are set in stone
I cannot reverse her portrait of me
This is harder than breathing underwater
Im trying my best
Sorry if that isn’t good enough anymore…
Quote by the bartender
^ this man knows his stuff.
#2
I wish she’d take a step back
Before she assesses the situation
She’s working with an incomplete map
And shooting with a blindfold on
like the last two lines - maybe the second should be "and assess the situation"? makes more sense

There’s no blood on my hands
There’s no money lining my pockets
nice

This white house doesn’t contain a black knight
this line is a bit of a mouthful, think you need to reassess the flow
I’m just pinning tails on donkeys yet to be drawn
really nice - original, interesting
There’s no lies within these words
But there’s no trust anymore
Has it all really come to this?
Are we really this helpless?
thats all good

She’s wearing a straightjacket
With closed eyes and a closed mind
nice, but maybe drop "a"?
There’s no getting through to her
Her opinions are set in stone
doesn't really flow together. think it's the second line thats the problem
I cannot reverse her portrait of me
good - maybe "revise" rather than "reverse"?
This is harder than breathing underwater
not sure about this
Im trying my best
Sorry if that isn’t good enough anymore
bit of a cliched end

generally i enjoyed this a lot. a few small revisions and you will have a really good piece.
would be great if you could crit my new piece -
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=665201
#3
Thanks for the feedback, ill amke some changes and repost
Quote by the bartender
^ this man knows his stuff.
#4
Quote by atomic_llama
The Genre is hardcore, lyrics will be screamed. C4C


His Words Fall on Deaf Ears

I wish she’d take a step back
Before she assesses the situation
She’s working with an incomplete map
And shooting with a blindfold on

There’s no blood on my hands
There’s no money lining my pockets
This is good. You should keep these lines as a fill, and not lump it toggether wityh the verse if you want to keep the same longish lines for the verse

This white house doesn’t contain a black knight
I’m just pinning tails on donkeys yet to be drawn
very good, I like the imagery, it's original
There’s no lies within these words
But there’s no trust anymore
Pause for a little instrumental bit here, that'd be good
Has it all really come to this?
Are we really this helpless?
if there was a tempo change here, I think it'd sound really intense, kind of like a build up
She’s wearing a straightjacket
With closed eyes and a closed mind
There’s no getting through to her
I like these lines, they're the sort that you can pause in between words- if you've heard BMTH scream "I'll take everything you ****ing bitch" then you'll knwo hwo I mean
Her opinions are set in stone
I cannot reverse her portrait of me
This is harder than breathing underwater
Im trying my best
Sorry if that isn’t good enough anymore…


As the other guy said before, some of the lines are quite long, but I love it, it's very physcodramatic.


Very good, I like I like.
Ehhh.

~Sherman
#5
Quote by atomic_llama


I wish she’d take a step back
Before she assesses the situation
She’s working with an incomplete map
And shooting with a blindfold on

for the second line maybe put 'before she comes to a conclusion' or as pianoman suggested 'and assesses the situation' also the last line doesnt sound right, it sounds like it comes to a sudden stop maybe instead of 'on' you could put 'over her eyes' ?

There’s no blood on my hands
There’s no money lining my pockets
This white house doesn’t contain a black knight
I’m just pinning tails on donkeys yet to be drawn
There’s no lies within these words
But there’s no trust anymore
Has it all really come to this?
Are we really this helpless?

'but theres no trust anymore' maybe replace with 'but theres also no truths' its up to you otherwise good

She’s wearing a straightjacket
With closed eyes and a closed mind
There’s no getting through to her
Her opinions are set in stone
I cannot reverse her portrait of me
This is harder than breathing underwater
dont know about this line, doesnt really have flow
Im trying my best
Sorry if that isn’t good enough anymore…[
like the other guy said, the endings a bit of a cliche


theres not really much more, as both guys before me said, some lines are a mouthful, but i suppose it comes down to how you scream it,

good effort i like it.
Last edited by dean897 at Sep 8, 2007,
#6
Thanks guys

I'll make some changes that you suggested!
Quote by the bartender
^ this man knows his stuff.