#1
I am standing on my hands
heading head-first to hell
What would you say
if I told you all is not well?
Would this conversation end?

So bat out my knees
call me diseased.
eye for and eye
you left me behind
you left me blind.

This house of cards is full
I'm the only one here tonight.
Just another spade
with his heart on his sleeve.
Just what would you say
if I told you to leave?

Once the ace of the game
but now it seems I'm to blame.
The limbs are gone
we're still up in arms.
This house of cards is full
I'm the only one here tonight.

This conversation is over
I'm the only one here tonight
This conversation is over
I'm the only one here tonight
Swollen fingers of the Bass Militia, PM Dinkydaisy to join

--Gear--
AXE:Epiphone Thunderbird IV, Peavey Fury II, Jackson CB20
AMP:Peavey Pro 500
CAB:Ampeg BXT-410HL4
#4
I am standing on my hands
heading head-first to hell
nice image
What would you say
if I told you all is not well?
poor. bit obvious and uninspiring
Would this conversation end?

So bat out my knees
call me diseased.
dont force rhyme, dude. this is poor.
eye for and eye
you left me behind
you left me blind.
this, i like

This house of cards is full
I'm the only one here tonight.
Just another spade
with his heart on his sleeve.
Just what would you say
if I told you to leave?
i like this stanza - especially lines 2 and 3

Once the ace of the game
but now it seems I'm to blame.
The limbs are gone
we're still up in arms.
this line feels like you're trying to hard. unneccessary.
This house of cards is full
I'm the only one here tonight.

This conversation is over
I'm the only one here tonight
This conversation is over
I'm the only one here tonight
fine, not great, but not bad

its pretty good overall - good flow and some nice images
a few little touches and you'll have something really good

would be great if you could crit my new piece?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=665201
#5
Eh. Your rhyming is incredibly forced, which leads to lines not connecting and making sense. The card imagery has been done before, and done much better, and I get sick of the "heart on the sleeve" line. It's incredibly cliche now. The headfirst to hell line is awful too, but has some alliteration, which is nice. Don't try so hard to rhyme, worry more about subject matter than what sounds cool. Most of this is not very good. I'd say scrap it and start new.

If you could read the piece in my sig, I'd appreciate it.
Last edited by Retribution at Sep 4, 2007,
#6
Yeah, its all a bit cliche' but its a really fast punk song... The original version was cut once we started putting music to it.. i only wrote the actual words that are sung/screamed.
Swollen fingers of the Bass Militia, PM Dinkydaisy to join

--Gear--
AXE:Epiphone Thunderbird IV, Peavey Fury II, Jackson CB20
AMP:Peavey Pro 500
CAB:Ampeg BXT-410HL4