#1
I wrote this back in January, till then I only had feedback from my bandmates so I think the opinion of a broader public would really help.

This song is full of metaphors(like most of my other material)

Of Hell and Earth

Devil on the catwalk
Pulls the puppet strings
Make man act like a king
Fallen angel lost wings

-Where you going all draped in red?
-Off to Death and famine spread...

Brother will kill brother
Sons rebel against their mothers
Abandoned fields, marching guns
Father will kill son

-Were you going dressed in black?
-Genocidal doomsday attack

Plant the seeds of Destruction
Dance to the Pied Piper's song
So sweet is death's seduction
In a grave is where you belong

I can see your desires
Let those white lines take you higher
Self-Destruction isn't a sin
Stick that needle up your skin

-Where are you going? Masked and cloaked…
-Off to make one more overdose…

Plant the seeds of Destruction
Dance to the Pied Piper's song
So sweet is death's seduction
In a grave is where you belong

Cast away, renegade
Holy Rebel
Vengeance I swear against my father
Still, I torment another
Man, Warring and Suffering
All this darkness upon him I bring
My father looks down in apathy
Banish to hell, he who disagree

I've been planting my seeds of destruction
Playing my Mesmerizing song
Place you under my spell of Seduction
Sending you to the grave where you belong

I have many names
But all spell the same
Death and Pain
I am Satan, This is my domain

Hell and Earth
It's all the Same


I'm not a really religious person, but being born in a Catolic country and family made the whole christian mythology have a great influence on me.

All feedback and tips are welcome, thanks.
Weird Al = Awesome
Buckethead = Awesome
Ergo, Awesome = Buckethead = Weird Al
Quote by Hart_Attack
the logic... its. so. precise! you broke the code! hail Omni-Ragnarok for answering lifes biggest question, who is buckethead.
#3
i like this piece, it's quite something.

Make man act like a king
Fallen angel lost wings

wouldn't that be "makes" in the first line? second one seems a little random, it could do with something to give it cohesion.

-Where you going all draped in red?
-Off to Death and famine spread...

that would be "where're". just being picky, though. :p i like this bit. the hyperbaton works real well here too.

-Were you going dressed in black?
-Genocidal doomsday attack

"were" doesn't make much sense here, would that be "where're" again?

Self-Destruction isn't a sin
Stick that needle up your skin

"up" sounds somewhat weird in that context, but that might just be me.

-Where are you going? Masked and cloaked…
-Off to make one more overdose…

"make" doesn't seem to be the right word here, maybe "cause" or something? dunno, just a thought.

the repetition of that 5th/8th verse works pretty well.

Cast away, renegade
Holy Rebel
Vengeance I swear against my father
Still, I torment another
Man, Warring and Suffering
All this darkness upon him I bring
My father looks down in apathy
Banish to hell, he who disagree

i believe "cast away" should be just one word, otherwise it makes no sense (yeah, being picky again, sorry ^_^ ). i'm not too sure about the last line, though i like the concept. anyways, it should be "disagrees" there, if i'm not wrong. either that or change "who" to "who'd" or something like that.

I've been planting my seeds of destruction
Playing my Mesmerizing song
Place you under my spell of Seduction
Sending you to the grave where you belong

the changes here are cool, though the tense change in the third line doesn't quite work for me. maybe use "placing" and scrape that "my", if you wanna keep the syllable number as it is? dunno.

I have many names
But all spell the same
Death and Pain
I am Satan, This is my domain

Hell and Earth
It's all the Same

i'm not too fond of the repetition of "same" so close together, to tell the truth, but these two stanzas make a great ending, especially the last bit. nice.

overall it's quite a decent piece, and i like your approach to the theme. the wording and such is not bad, and your use of stylistic devices generally works very well. good job.
so who do i have to kill to get a crit? --> Memory


(e-cookie for whoever spots the alliteration, ha)


y cuando llegue el momento, sólo el viento se llevará lo que siento; y cuando acabe mi suerte, sólo en la muerte estaré fuerte y despierto...
#5
Thanks a lot for the feedback guys, especially you spanishsmn
English isn't my first language... and I practilly learned it all by myself so I do screw up a lot in the grammar. I'm going to spend a few hours with my lyrics and try to improve them.

Thanks again.
Weird Al = Awesome
Buckethead = Awesome
Ergo, Awesome = Buckethead = Weird Al
Quote by Hart_Attack
the logic... its. so. precise! you broke the code! hail Omni-Ragnarok for answering lifes biggest question, who is buckethead.
#6
Well... I've made a few changes to avoid repetition and I think i got rid of all gramatic errors.

Devil on the catwalk
Pulling the puppet strings
Makes man act like a king
High on the power he brings

-Where’re you going all draped in red?
-Off to Death and famine spread...

Brother will kill brother
Sons rebel against their mothers
Abandoned fields, marching guns
Father will kill son

-Where’re you going dressed in black?
-Off to a genocidal attack

Plant the seeds of Destruction
Dance to the Pied Piper's song
So sweet is death's seduction
In a grave is where you belong

I can see your desires
Let those white lines take you higher
Self-Destruction isn't a sin
Stick that needle in your skin

-Where are you going? Masked and cloaked…
-Off to bring one more overdose…

Plant the seeds of Destruction
Dance to the Pied Piper's song
So sweet is death's seduction
In a grave is where you belong

Castaway, renegade
Holy Rebel
Vengeance I swear against my father
Still, I torment another
Man, Warring and Suffering
It’s the boon that I bring
My father looks down in apathy
Banish to hades who disagrees

I've been planting my seeds of destruction
Playing my Mesmerizing song
Placing you under my spell of Seduction
Sending you to the grave where you belong

I have many names
All of black fame
Know them as Death and Pain
I am Satan, This is my domain

Hell and Earth
It's all the Same


There's a few arcaic words in there. And I kept some things that sound really cool in the song(in the "one more" part I change the rythm and my drummer does a really mad beat).
Once I get some decent recording equiment I'll upload the song(Work in Progress).

Till then, keep that feedback coming!
Weird Al = Awesome
Buckethead = Awesome
Ergo, Awesome = Buckethead = Weird Al
Quote by Hart_Attack
the logic... its. so. precise! you broke the code! hail Omni-Ragnarok for answering lifes biggest question, who is buckethead.
#7
that right there looks like a good song but i wish i could hear a beat to go wish it. do you have any vids on youtube of you singing it or your band if you have one playing it any1?
#8
lol, turns out we're neighbours. XD honestly, your writing doesn't sound portuguese at all, and your grammar is great as far as i can tell - and that's saying something, you know. ^_^

anyways, those changes you made are definitely an improvement, mate. i have no complaints whatsoever.

EDIT: by the way, if you do post a recording of this song, could you PM me or something? i'd definitely like to hear it. oh and if you feel like it, i'd appreciate it if you could have a look at "memory" (link in my sig). obrigado!
so who do i have to kill to get a crit? --> Memory


(e-cookie for whoever spots the alliteration, ha)


y cuando llegue el momento, sólo el viento se llevará lo que siento; y cuando acabe mi suerte, sólo en la muerte estaré fuerte y despierto...
Last edited by spanishsmn at Sep 5, 2007,