#1
I went walking down to the river, eating a chocolate orange I'd
bought from a grocers, as I was happily surprised that they still
made them.
I had sold 23 used CD's and 12 used movies to a discount
music store just to buy groceries and pay my phone bill.
At the edge of the river were four teenage boys.
They were poking at the water with sticks.
Making splashes with their feet.
Upon closer inspection the attentivness of their faces made
it quite clear that these little fellas were taking pictures
of themselves.

The way one held his cigarette hinted at the short time in which
he'd probably been smoking.
He just looked up at me and said,
"Nice weather, huh?"
My green denim jacket had holes in it, serving as ventilation for
the freezing cold.
I held my cigarette as close to my face as I could without it singing
my facial hair.
"No, it's not," I said. "It's fucking cold."
I stood there, adding him up:
The haircut, the jacket, the jeans, the scarf, the pack of smokes, the
vintage shoes, the camera, the fingerless gloves - This kid had about
$800 worth of an image fucked on himself.

I started off towards my car to jump it and head back to my heatless
West Dayton "mansion" when they all started jumping around
like forest nymphs, singing:
"Oh, take my soul, Indie Rock Machine!
We write literate songs about captains and the sea!
We've seen the wisdom of the ages and we're only sixteen!
Oh, take my soul, Indie Rock Machine."
Poor advice.
#2
id see it as more than a poem than lyrics, and the beginning didnt flow as well as it could have, but other wise good job
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#3
Quote by latinosuperstud
id see it as more than a poem than lyrics, and the beginning didnt flow as well as it could have, but other wise good job


You might see it that way because... it is? Haha.

Anyway, this isn't golden, it's not your greatest piece by any means. I feel like the set up towards the ending was a little too... obvious? Like you were being blunt about everything. The beginning had terrible flow, and read more like a short story that was written with choppy sentences than a poem.

However, the ending, as per usual, was amazing and had a strong satirical message.

I'd say tidy up the beginning a little and you'll have another great piece for the portfolio.
#4
Well, if anything the whole piece was meant to flow in a story-like way. It's all pretty matter-of-fact, and the first verse is my favorite, considering the relativity of the subject matter to me.
Poor advice.
#5
Quote by stellar_legs
Well, if anything the whole piece was meant to flow in a story-like way. It's all pretty matter-of-fact, and the first verse is my favorite, considering the relativity of the subject matter to me.


I know how your writing-style is, I just feel like the first verse drags a little, doesn't add enough to the general emotion of the poem, and while decent writing, doesn't flow all that well.

You can keep it how you like, it's just something to look at. I like the subject matter of the first verse, it can just read a little better, I think.
#6
Are your titles ever meant to correlate with the writing?


I never comment on your writing but I read most of the stuff you post on here, most of them are pretty awesome. The first two parts here reminded me of Bukowski.
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#7
^They don't always have to.

But you never want to suffer from the Fall Out at The Disco syndrome and just be flat out stupid.
Poor advice.
#8
You have the best titles on UG.

A little less flowing than is usual and the line breaks are probably what's throwing people off but the bluntness makes sense and doesn't bother me at all. A few word choices here and their felt forced but loved the ending as usual.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#9
I really like this. Don't know what to say really. I quite liked how you started the whole piece with the chocolate oranges and the 23 used CDs etcetera. If I had to comment on something it'd probably be line 11-13 of the second stanza. The part when you sum up the things that he wears, especially, kind of reduces the tempo. Love the ending, though. It really just flows perfectly. Nice work.
#10
A little too obvious building up, but I laughed.
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いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
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じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


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#11
haha, i am digging the title...I am still baffled that Owen did something like that...I eagerly await that Darjeeling movie.

anywho, I thought that this piece for a while was up to your normal stuff, but towards the end you kind of lost me..idk, maybe I need to read it again, but i thought it could have ended stronger.
#12
I'm surprised this piece is confusing so many people. I guess it's how it's written, but it seems fairly blunt.

Basically, I'm 20, poor, unemployed, struggling to make a living, and I walk to the river because my car's dead and I have nothing else to do. I see agroup of kids at the river because they're trying really hard to love life, be Indie fucks and have no idea what's in store for them when life attacks.

Kids who have never experienced anything remotely close to life like to write songs about it, though they don't know shit about it.
Poor advice.
#14
personally, i liked it. it seemed so realistic to be honest. i understood it very easily, not sure why there is so much confusion =\
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#15
That was excellent. I love the way you used "serving as ventilation for the freezing cold."

Yr pretty impressive.
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