#1
this is the start of what i hope can become a song.

i don't think it's very good, so i need some crit to lead me in the right direction.

this song is about how people don't listen to the real meaning in words today. they often push aside the important things that people talk about and are worried about less important things.


Silence Spoken

Verse 1

The words muted but understood
They tell a tale, paint a picture
Explain the meaning
Convey the truth.

Verse 2

Listen closely to the speaker
For he does not speak at all
The sounds are lost in your transgressions
You fail to comprehend

Chorus:

The English language, it’s gone to waste
These people don’t hear a word we say
Minds obstructed with modern filth
They just walk by and go on with their day

Verse 3

I hear these people…
They scream louder than atom bombs
I cringe at the deafening blast
But no one seems to notice

Verse 4

Why can’t you just pay attention?
Can’t there just be realization?
Grasp the meaning
Listen to what really matters.

Chorus:

The English language, it’s gone to waste
These people don’t hear a word we say
Minds obstructed with modern filth
They just walk on by and go on with their day


i feel like from the chorus on sucks and just does not live up to the first two verses.
help me out a bit by maybe giving some input on what i wrote?

c4c

thanks in advance.
#2
i like the idea. and i don't think it sucks after the chorus because i like verse 4, i think its just verse three that could be improved. i think it should stil end in no one seems to notice because thats the point your makin, but i dont have ideas for the other lyrics. sounds good on the whole!
Doctor: Wait a minute, Brian, you have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate?
Peter: A degenerate, am I? Well you are a festizio! See, I can make up words too, sister.
#3
i feel like i kind of turned it into a ****ty punk song after the chorus. but oh well. any more suggestions for vocabulary changes, help with the flow or anything else would be greatly appreciated.
#4
I think this would be better if the message wasn't so vague, poerhaps if you were talking about a specific message that people are ignoring, because as it stands right now, this song sounds like it stands for all possible messages that are being ignored by anyone. Maybe you did this to make it realteable, but I think it would have stronger menaing and be more personal if you gave it a specific message you wanted people to hear. Also, I would like more to the chorus, to me it just doesn't feel like it should end where it does. Thats all that I have for right now, let me know when you've made revisions and I will also come back to this later.

"Reel Her In"
Last edited by Motown Acoustic at Sep 5, 2007,
#5
The words muted but understood
They tell a tale, paint a picture
Explain the meaning
Convey the truth.

first line sounds somewhat weird to me, i think because given the theme of this piece i'd expect "understood but muted" instead of the other way round. just a thought, though. three whole lines of enumeration wouldn't be my first choice for a first verse, either, but i guess they're okay.

Listen closely to the speaker
For he does not speak at all
The sounds are lost in your transgressions
You fail to comprehend

i understand what you're going for here, but i'd probably chose different wording for the first two lines to make them more striking - especially since you're looking for contrast, i'd be more subtle and avoid repeating "speaker/speak". would you consider changing "are" for "get" in the third line? sounds better in my head that way. last line is good, i like that.

The English language, it’s gone to waste
These people don’t hear a word we say
Minds obstructed with modern filth
They just walk by and go on with their day

hmm, not too fond of this bit, to be honest. your narrowing the language to just english is kinda distracting from the whole point behind your piece, and i believe you could surely come up with something more broad and descriptive there. the rest is not bad, though not awesome either.

I hear these people…
They scream louder than atom bombs
I cringe at the deafening blast
But no one seems to notice

the second and third lines are good - your use of stylistc devices works pretty well -, but overall this stanza seems a little too plain. maybe look for more elaborate wording? dunno, just an idea.

Why can’t you just pay attention?
Can’t there just be realization?
Grasp the meaning
Listen to what really matters.

i get the impression that you're only using "just" to get the number of syllables right, and it doesn't do much for the writing itself. besides, it's repeated way too close together, so i think you ought to look for something better. i'd scrape the third line and rewrite it. if you could keep it somewhat subtle, that fourth line would have a stronger effect on the reader.

The English language, it’s gone to waste
These people don’t hear a word we say
Minds obstructed with modern filth
They just walk on by and go on with their day

in addition to what i said before, i don't think this works well for an ending - it definitely needs to be stronger. you might do well either making enough changes to this chorus to make it strong enough or simply writing another verse that includes some personal conclusion related to the theme of the whole piece. dunno, that's all i can say.

overall it's an interesting piece, and the topic is pretty appealing imo. you really should revise it, though, and make a few improvements here and there. also, you might want to expand the range of stylistic devices in this piece to make it create a clear image of what you're trying to express. not a bad starting point, though. keep it up.
so who do i have to kill to get a crit? --> Memory


(e-cookie for whoever spots the alliteration, ha)


y cuando llegue el momento, sólo el viento se llevará lo que siento; y cuando acabe mi suerte, sólo en la muerte estaré fuerte y despierto...
#6
yeah, this is really the first poem/song i've written and i really rushed the chorus and other verses besides the first two. yeah i'll take your advice on most of it. thank you so much for that great criticism.