#1
Awkward Silence

Sat down, at the bus stop in the rain;
all too typical a scene, he thought. An
older man lit up a cigarette beside
him. Passively smoking, he stepped
forward for the next bus.

On paying the bearded conductor, he
glanced around for a spare seat. That was
when he saw her - that woman from
the cafe. Her beauty finding it's way
through the cold and evening glow.

"May I?" he asked, with a smile. She
blushed, and he knew that she recognised
him too. Seating himself, he flashed
another smile. The raindrops ran across
the windows. People got on and off.

At each traffic light, the bus stopped. When
the light was green, it started again. For
a brief moment the rain stopped, but came
back, harder. She was wearing perfume.
Someone's mobile made a sound.

She spoke - "could you.." and gestured
to the bell. With a nod, he stuck out his finger.
The stopping bell rang, as the bus
indicated left. He made way for her;
she mumbled a thank you.

As the bus moved again, he took a look
at where she'd sat next to him. Worthwhile
conversation points and witty lines swam
around his mind. But at least there was one
ray of sunshine - a pink purse, left behind.




You can find the first in the series on my blog. This is an experiment, at using line length and breaks to convey the atmosphere. Hopefully it was good. C4C.
#2
Good stuff, man! And my old band was called Awkward Silence, so that makes it doubly cool!
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www.myspace.com/awkwardsilencemusic
#4
Quote by Jammydude44
Awkward Silence

Sat down, at the bus stop in the rain;
all too typical a scene, he thought. An
older man lit up a cigarette beside
him. Passively smoking, he stepped
forward for the next bus.
I liked this, diction was simple yet effective, but one thing is at first after reading the whole piece there is a slight confusion. You start talking of the person that sits down, and they are clearly his thoughts, but later he just dissapears. We have no clue as to who he is or anything. He might be the person getting on the bus but it can't be since they are smoking. Expand on this character or something because it's a good idea coming into the poem with one character and actually centering it on someone else but meh, the first time you read it's a bit conflictive.

On paying the bearded conductor, he
glanced around for a spare seat. That was
when he saw her - that woman from
the cafe. Her beauty finding it's way
through the cold and evening glow.
I liked this a lot. I can see what you mean by the line breaks and they did work, this whole piece read like honey. I don't like evening glow, or cold for that matter. They seem to be adjectives that don't fit in with glow. I don't mean you should go for really cliche adjectives but these were a bit weak.

"May I?" he asked, with a smile. She -I think the comma is unneeded
blushed, and he knew that she recognised
him too. Seating himself, he flashed
another smile. The raindrops ran across
the windows. People got on and off.
The rest is good, not criticism.

At each traffic light, the bus stopped. When
the light was green, it started again. For Meh , I dont like that line at all. It's so blunt. I know you have to start the stanza some how but the first sentence was a weak way to do it.
a brief moment the rain stopped, but came
back, harder. She was wearing perfume.
Someone's mobile made a sound.
I know you were trying to describe the situation and you did it very well but it seemed a bit unnessecary. I know it's a style you seem to have developed you go very deep into your images but it was kind of bland. I felt it was also set out like instructions for DIY furniture, if you know what I mean. It was like: The bus stopped. The blah blah. She was wearing perfume... It seemed as if you were just setting things out in a user friendly way hence the nasty comparison.

She spoke - "could you.." and gestured
to the bell. With a nod, he stuck out his finger.
The stopping bell rang, as the bus
indicated left. He made way for her;
she mumbled a thank you.
See, this is much better, the actions flow into one another rather than being separate thoughts. I liked this quite a lot.

As the bus moved again, he took a look
at where she'd sat next to him. Worthwhile
conversation points and witty lines swam
around his mind. But at least there was one
ray of sunshine - a pink purse, left behind.
I thought the ending was ace. No problems whatsoever.



You can find the first in the series on my blog. This is an experiment, at using line length and breaks to convey the atmosphere. Hopefully it was good. C4C.


I owed you, but I would appreciate it if you could give me an opinion on my latest.
#6
i liked this alot . It was more of a story rather then a poetry . Storytelling was really good . I was hoping that you'll describe the past connection both of them had but u didn't .Which i really liked.

As far as the critique is concerned. IDk how to start instead i 'll tell u what do i feel . 1 like it as it is except with 2 or 3 minor changes.

1> take out the whole "Someone's mobile made a sound ". This is not adding anything atleast for me. The next lines after that bit about whole stopping bell theme is not binding the both scenes even though there can be an analogy.

2>people got on and off . instead of got use some metaphor.

3>Everything is good but i think some double meaning lines are missing.

Overall a nice piece
Hi
#7
Thanks all.

Conf- i=I make it clear that it is the person passively smoking who gets on the bus, so it is the first guy mentioned Very good crit, one coming your way.

Andy - The got on and of, mobile lines are there to sound boring, because I was trying to convey the awkward silence. You hear and recognise things if your not in a conversation. Not sure if it worked, but like I said, that was what I was dabbling and experimenting in. Thanks man, make sure you link me up to your next.
#8
Heylarr =] Thankyou for the crit on my piece. I'm not too sure about this one...i really love the way it's written..you can really imagine the picture you are painting here. I don't think it's your best though..? Thought the last verse was especially great, and the last line =]
And yes it's good to see you too! Even though you probably didn't fade away from here as i did. I'm gunna give this one an 7/8 out of 10.
Keep up the good work m'dears =D
Franz xxx
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I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#9
Difficult to comment on this, but I'll try give you some useful thoughts. If I fail, just ignore this. Hmm, to me, the line breaks didnt have much of an effect. I didnt really know where you were going with this. If it's a regular story kinda piece, forget the line breaks, imo. But from what I can see, to improve this, you should make it more poetic. Gotta say, as it is at the mo, it's a lil bit bland. Really experiment, go out there further .. that's probably the most useful thing i can say about this piece. It wasn't so boring that I found it a drag to read through, actually read it through twice, so yeah .. wasn't bad. It just wasn't special. Be more creative! i've read better things from you.

Since I was harsh about this one, please feel free to do the same with my piece. Any comment would be cool. Thanks.
#10
Sat down, at the bus stop in the rain;
all too typical a scene, he thought. An
older man lit up a cigarette beside
him. Passively smoking, he stepped
forward for the next bus.

I was thinking to make it clearer that both men are smoking here, have the "older man" ask your character for a light instead. Just an idea. Also the "next" bus kind of gives the impression that it's yet to appear, where as the following stanza gives the impression that the bus is just pulling up... or something along those lines. Maybe replace "next" with something else to better convey that (ie. "oncoming")

On paying the bearded conductor, he
glanced around for a spare seat. That was
when he saw her - that woman from
the cafe. Her beauty finding it's way
through the cold and evening glow.

Maybe it's just me, but it seems like a lot of people are describing people by their beards lately. Is their any other feature you could draw attention to instead? And personally I think "the woman..." sounds nicer... has a softer feel to it. I think the double use of "the" so close together could be overlooked... it'd be barely noticeable.

"May I?" he asked, with a smile. She
blushed, and he knew that she recognised
him too. Seating himself, he flashed
another smile. The raindrops ran across
the windows. People got on and off.

This stanza was very well written. Only suggestion here is to maybe replace "ran" with another word. Nothing over the top, but something with a little more impact.

At each traffic light, the bus stopped. When
the light was green, it started again. For
a brief moment the rain stopped, but came
back, harder. She was wearing perfume.
Someone's mobile made a sound.

I love how you're conveying his random thoughts/acknowledgements here.

She spoke - "could you.." and gestured
to the bell. With a nod, he stuck out his finger.
The stopping bell rang, as the bus
indicated left. He made way for her;
she mumbled a thank you.

No complaints. Nice.

As the bus moved again, he took a look
at where she'd sat next to him. Worthwhile
conversation points and witty lines swam
around his mind. But at least there was one
ray of sunshine - a pink purse, left behind.

Don't know if that comma is needed in L1. Love the rhyming in the last line. The whole ending is quite good actually.

This just might be my favorite piece of yours ever. Especially how it all came together in the end. And the mood was conveyed perfectly. Kudos on that. I wish I had more to criticize haha. Anyways great job.

You definitely don't owe me... but if you're in the mood maybe just a bump for my latest. Thanks.
#11
Think you have enough feedback on this but change the title dude! It's so blunt and plain it's not even awkward, it's just...yeah

I think the dialogue in the beginning is too contrived and unrealistic but it's awkward, which I guess is what you were going for. But it was awkward to read, not like, you feel the awkwardness of the situation. Anyways probably going to be checking back on the rest of your series.
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#13
Not bad, worth the read. I'm too drained to say any more.

I thought the ending was cute.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#14
It's Free verse , but there are some rhymes, why dont you re write it with a chorus,
Or is that old fashioned for your way of thinking ?

I think you could write an interesting storyline for a novel, but if it's for a song , it's got to be on some acceptable format, and this is not in any format at this time.

Best Wishes Carter J.
#15
^ You must not have been exposed to much music. What do you mean by 'acceptable format' ? Who defines what is acceptable or not? Bob Dylan wrote Hurricane which is about 7 minutes long, and is in this same very format with dialogue and no lyrical repeats.

You should also note that the thread starter also said this

This is an experiment, at using line length and breaks to convey the atmosphere. Hopefully it was good. C4C.


He intentionally wrote in this style.
Don't tell me what can not be done

Don't tell me what can be done, either.



I love you all no matter what.