#1
in monotonous blue
straight sickles to skin.
a nicotine poured relief
leaves me thinking
about the legs beneath
the textbook next to me, spreading.

vibration rings
stall empty monologues
of articles and prepositions.
between each sentence
i wonder,
will this all be in vain?

my bedposts are so temperamental
like rain
or ladybugs.
some nights spent in bliss
while others only marked
by dreams of uncontrollable lonesome.

my boss takes me by the wrist
she asks, “are you alright?”
and i choke down
hollow thoughts of bra straps
and where chest meets hip.
i smile and say “of course”.

and maybe faith
would pin me too
some girl who keeps my circuitry wired.
but, do i really want
to think of a future
full of missing parts and labor?

i guess i’d label this as realism.
but, it seems like repetition.
watching teddy bears tear up
and shelving polaroids
and wrinkled
folded paper.

i ask,
what are confessions without rebuttals?
because,
it seems like just space better filled
with homework and customer service.


crit 4 crit.
#2
It seems like vocabulary is stretched just for the sake of doing so alot here. Great idea, but better put even more simply i think.
#4
Quote by pixiesfanyo


Great title Jared. Always liked that sort of idea about life.


in monotonous blue
straight sickles to skin.
a nicotine poured relief
I think "poured" is a bit of a weaker word choice, as the previous line has connotations of a more harsher word, like stabbing or something. Well, not stabbing, but something faster than pouring, like gushing or whatever. Poured just seems to gentle.
leaves me thinking
about the legs beneath
the textbook next to me, spreading.
"spreading" feels tacked on here, and I think the smut here is already conveyed without the extra word. You don't really need spreading here to show what your on about, I don't think.

vibration rings
stall empty monologues
The wording here feels a bit awkward and unsure of itself. It doesn't make too much sens eon first read and I think there might have been a word missed out here or something. That's what it feels like anyway, but i guess it's how you write, it seems like your genuine voice to leave things a bit... different.
of articles and prepositions.
Good word choice.
between each sentence
i wonder,
will this all be in vain?

my bedposts are so temperamental
like rain
or ladybugs.
Eh, I don't particularly care for ladybugs. Rain is good, but ladybugs.. meh. I think you can give the reader a better image here or idea to get this across.
some nights spent in bliss
while others only marked
by dreams of uncontrollable lonesome.
Love the idea here but I think it's just got too many words for it, maybe this could be re-worded to be m=just a bit more direct?

my boss takes me by the wrist
she asks, “are you alright?”
and i choke down
hollow thoughts of bra straps
and where chest meets hip.
i smile and say “of course”.
I like the fact the boss is a woman. I might be reading too much into that but it gives me a whole different level to this piece. This was a great stanza.

and maybe faith
would pin me too
some girl who keeps my circuitry wired.
Eh, the wired bit is a tad cliche. Meh.
but, do i really want
to think of a future
full of missing parts and labor?
Slightly underwhelming than the rest here. Doesn't seem to have the same cleverness or wit, just a bit dreary and dull in my opinion.

i guess i’d label this as realism.
but, it seems like repetition.
watching teddy bears tear up
and shelving polaroids
and wrinkled
folded paper.
Idk if it was meant but nice (I forget the word) use of moving the "folded paper" down a line to sort of make it look like folded paper. Good stanza, in my eyes.

i ask,
what are confessions without rebuttals?
because,
it seems like just space better filled
with homework and customer service.
Good end.

Overall I really dug this, I always have looked up to you and mike (less thanthat) as writers I admire because of the style of your pieces, and when you write like this I just read them several times, I enjoy them alot.

If you could crit back from the one in my sig, it would be appreciated. Many thanks.



crit 4 crit.


#5
You are showing some growth in your writing, a lot more calm and simplistic form of structure than I am use to. But to me this really seems to be pouring from the heart, a transition that most everyone faces at your age and one that really is as important as everyone always says it is. This is a big determination point in you life to find out what you really want to do with it. Quite sad, but pretty true.
#6
Quote by chiliwillifreak
It seems like vocabulary is stretched just for the sake of doing so alot here. Great idea, but better put even more simply i think.


why do people say things like this? there is no unusual vocabulary in this piece. at all. if you cant at least a fair handle on the meaning of it on your first reading, i think theres a real issue with your vocabulary and reading skills.

anyway, i'm about to go and make coffees for people, so i cant crit this now. but i will. on first reading though, it interested me. so for now, thumbs up.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#7
This is a pretty cool read, with interesting undertones of sexual jealousy or want. In fact, I love that aspect of it, lines like

"...thinking
about the legs beneath
the textbook next to me, spreading."

and

"she asks, “are you alright?”
and i choke down
hollow thoughts of bra straps
and where chest meets hip."

are really damn good. I don't agree with whoever said the vocabulary is over the top, but I can see where they would get that impression. Some of it does seem rather stilted from the use of the longer words, whether they were necessary or not. This stilted feeling could also come from the line breaks, which I personally would have placed differently, merging your lines together into longer ones,and combining stanzas to improve the flow. It works well as you have it, it's just not to my taste.

Other than that, a damn good job




love is a dog from hell.



#10
I'm very happy to see you writing more often.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#11
it was good, but simpler words would be nice haha, makes me sound dumb eh, but nice work buddy
#14
Last edited by The Hurt Within : Yesterday at 11:10 PM.

I believe they did their AIM crit squad thing but then Steve came in and edited. Not sure though.

I just realized I promised you a crit on this. I'll edit this very post in about 20 mins


in monotonous blue
straight sickles to skin.
a nicotine poured relief
leaves me thinking
about the legs beneath
the textbook next to me, spreading.

I am not a fan of that thinking/spreading rhyme here. "spreading" just doesn't add enough, so it seems forced. Also, that first sentence felt weird to me. I actually think it would be pretty the other way around , "Straight sickels to skin in monotonous blue". Flows better imho.

vibration rings
stall empty monologues
of articles and prepositions.
between each sentence
i wonder,
will this all be in vain?

I'm being picky here but it should be a colon instead of a comma in L5. I actually liked that stanza, very heartfelt and honest.


my bedposts are so temperamental
like rain
or ladybugs.
some nights spent in bliss
while others only marked
by dreams of uncontrollable lonesome.

"are so temperamental". I didn't like the phrasing here. "are so" makes it sound childish, it contradicts the level of maturity that you had so far here. I didn't mind the ladybug comparison, it actually got me thinking. Back to the stanza, I think you're missing a verb in the last sentence. it seems like it should be "some nights are spent in bliss, while others...."

my boss takes me by the wrist
she asks, “are you alright?”
and i choke down
hollow thoughts of bra straps
and where chest meets hip.
i smile and say “of course”.

Very jumpy here. I mean, this stanza seems rather disconnected from the last one. But at the same time, that's what strengthen this piece as a whole. I'll come back on this later. I have no complaints with this one, except that you could have used a more powerful word than "say". Mumble, or something else.

and maybe faith
would pin me too
some girl who keeps my circuitry wired.
but, do i really want
to think of a future
full of missing parts and labor?

You don't need a comma after "but" in L4. I didn't mind much this stanza. Didn't quite make it for me. it seems like L3 is just thrown in there. I don't know. This seems rough.


i guess i’d label this as realism.
but, it seems like repetition.
watching teddy bears tear up
and shelving polaroids
and wrinkled
folded paper.

Again, you don't need that comma in L3. I guess you only put them there for the flow or something. I'm unsure about teddy bears. It takes away a bit of the serious mood that you had there. I understand what you tried to go for, but maybe try something more original that represents youth and 'cuteness' or something.


i ask,
what are confessions without rebuttals?
because,
it seems like just space better filled
with homework and customer service.

Seems very personal. I like it, as an ending.

If I comment on the piece as a whole, I must say that the transition in between stanzas could have been far better. However, on the other hand, the jumpiness seems to add so much intensity. I can see that this piece was really heartfelt and honest, and I agree with Carmel on everything she said regarding that. On a side note, I don't recall reading anything from you similar to this, and I must say I really enjoyed it. I hope you get as much success and happiness in the near future.

Good piece, I might very well take a look at your next one in due time.
Oh, and sorry I took so long.

-Mathieu
Last edited by circular.parade at Sep 13, 2007,
#15
Hey Jared. I've always liked your style, and this piece is no exception. The language you use is very simple, yet confronting with the combinations you use and the imagery implemented in various places. I did think the pace you dictated in the first two stanzas was a bit odd and unfitting to the content, but by stanza number three I've managed to forget the awkwardness that seemed to take hold on the beginning of the piece. The structure just appeared a little forced there, but the rest of the piece was quite impressive.

Carmel
This is not a pipe
#16
its seemed like you forced complex words just for the shake of using complex words, its just seems forced thats all.
#17
I liked it and I liked the use of a wide range of vocabulary, sometimes simplicity isn't the best path to take.
1966 rickenbacker fireglo 335
78' twin reverb (loud awesome tone)

practice makes practice... never perfect
#18
.. I don't see this "complex" vocabulary everyone seems to be on about.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#19
Quote by pixiesfanyo
in monotonous blue
straight sickles to skin.
a nicotine poured relief
leaves me thinking
about the legs beneath
the textbook next to me, spreading.


the first thing i got was that i dont understand the first sentence. the 'in' makes it a very soft opening, which i liked here, but i just don't understand what 'straight sickles to skin' means. it looks like you're using 'sickles' as a verb, but it isnt a verb. or maybe you're talking about 'straight sickles' as a noun, which seems plausible, sickles are normally curved, which would explain straight, but i dont entirely understand it still. maybe you're referring to a cutting feeling, linked to the next line about cigarettes, but personally, they cut me in the lungs maybe, not my skin. i just dont understand it. maybe i'm missing something, but i dont think i am. other than though, i kinda liked it. well. i say that. i didnt like 'nicotine poured' because when is nicotine poured? but i liked the last line, a lot. theres a real sensuality to it, and a certain seediness too. it was good.

vibration rings
stall empty monologues
of articles and prepositions.
between each sentence
i wonder,
will this all be in vain?


this worked for me more than the previous stanza. i thought the line breaks here worked really well. breaking the sentences up into their component chunks eg in the first three, subject, verb + object, modifier of object. sorry, those arent very precise linguistic terms, i dont study linguistics, although i probably should know more of it when i do. but either way, i liked it. it gave a sense of silence between sentences.

my bedposts are so temperamental
like rain
or ladybugs.
some nights spent in bliss
while others only marked
by dreams of uncontrollable lonesome.


this didnt work for me, because rain and ladybugs arent temperamental, or at least i dont consider them such. maybe theres some perspective you have on it that does make it work, but for me, no. otherwise, 'lonesome' is an adjective, not a noun. you cant dream of it any more than you can 'dream of uncontrollable happy'. but you probably knew that. lonesomeness doesnt work so well. i'd like you to find something else though. it doesnt feel intentional to me; it feels like you couldnt think of anything better.

my boss takes me by the wrist
she asks, “are you alright?”
and i choke down
hollow thoughts of bra straps
and where chest meets hip.
i smile and say “of course”.


this was ok. nothing jumped out at me, except that 'where chest meets hip' is the stomach surely? i dunno, i dont consider that an especially erotic or sensual place or whatever, so it didnt work for me. maybe thats just me though.

and maybe faith
would pin me too
some girl who keeps my circuitry wired.
but, do i really want
to think of a future
full of missing parts and labor?


is this talking about commitment? it caused me trouble for the first few readings, but i think you're saying that perhaps faithfulness to a girl would help you, but you struggle to contemplate a future of working to keep a relationship together and missing out on things because of your monogamy. it was written ok, i guess. but the whole semantic field of 'circuitry' and 'missing parts' seemed a little out of the blue for me, and didnt feel like it was doing much. well, i guess it expresses a dull, robotic repetitiveness, which is useful. but i dunno, it did feel a little bolted on. no pun intended.

i guess i’d label this as realism.
but, it seems like repetition.
watching teddy bears tear up
and shelving polaroids
and wrinkled
folded paper.


what are the teddy bears tearing up!?!?!?!?! ok, maybe i'm being silly, and i guess you probably mean teddy bears being torn up, but it seemed an awkward way of expressing it. or maybe you meant tear as in cry, not tear as in rip. but teddy bears dont cry. no sir. to me, this feels like its about the aftermath of a relationship, putting away photos and letters and notes. i liked 'realism'/'repetition'. neat. i didnt like polaroids. i dont like references to polaroids. seriously, who takes polaroids?

i ask,
what are confessions without rebuttals?
because,
it seems like just space better filled
with homework and customer service.


neat. resolution it seems. kind of embracing inconsistency and impulsiveness rather than steadiness and relationships and things. choosing excitement over consistency. it was a nice ending, i suppose. neat.


basically, i quite liked this. it was fairly well written, although there were things i didnt like, as i pointed out. i guess the biggest criticism i'd give is one you gave me; its somewhat pretentious. you're talking about feelings that everyone else has, and you're not really bringing anything new to the matter. ultimately, it is pointless. dont get me wrong, its pretty good, but its not saying anything particularly new or important or life changing, but it is saying what its saying fairly nicely. so yeah. it was pretty neat, but not perfect or anything. but it was close to being as good a poem as it could be; largely, it loses out by being about what is ultimately an insignificant subject matter. then again though, i could have just completely misread it. who knows?
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.