#1
I can't hear a word you are saying
above the noise of this perilous machine
winging its way cross country.
What a travesty.
Agencies to the alliance, we engage in diplomacy with
"Let's stop and fuck!" and
"Not yet baby, I'm ballin' this jack another hundred"
but we stop and fuck anyway,
just to kill time.
But the loud pedal aches and the country is barren so
soon enough, we're back on the road again.
Not a piss stop, and not maritime baby this is a real motor,
and what a noise.
Straight and true, no swaying here,
just a gaping cavernous wonderful powerful grill,
eating up the miles.
I watch the white lines flash past for a while,
grab a beer from the back
and you give me that look - but it's hot and I'm thirsty
and what I say goes.
I juggle the can and wheel like an acrobat,
lob the empty, watch the scenery.
Mountains.
Heat haze like an angels halo around a cross
high up on the rocks. Trust the Spanish.
If a girl fell from those rocks and split her head,
I reckon you'd see soul.




love is a dog from hell.



Last edited by we have sound at Sep 5, 2007,
#2
I can't hear a word you are saying
above the noise of this perilous machine
winging its way cross country.
What a travesty.
I love how the beginning of this piece is so simple and perhaps even innocent in a way, and with the 3 first lines you paint a very clear picture of scenery and emotion. I wasn't fond of the way you put the 4th line. It seems a bit of an awkward phrasing. I would have preferred to see something more original like: "heading for a travesty", or even "It is the travesty"... something more intriguing, I suppose.

Agencies to the alliance, we engage in diplomacy with
"Let's stop and ****!" and
"Not yet baby, I'm ballin' this jack another hundered"
but we stop and **** anyway,
just to kill time.
Love how you maintain the present tense. It makes this very unique and the feeling behind it very authentic. Typo on hundred, but nothing else to say about this part, you know I've always liked the directness of your pieces.

But the loud pedal aches and the counrty is barren so
soon enough, we're back on the road again.
Not a piss stop, and not maritime baby this is a real motor,
and what a noise.
I love the word barren and the way you used it here. You fall back to the scenery in a very cunning way which implies a lot regarding the relationship and emotions dealt with here. Very casual and very not, at the same time. Great.

Straight and true, no swaying here,
just a gaping cavernous wonderful powerful grill,
eating up the miles.
Here the structure of sentences starts to break down and just in time, as your words gain more meaning and grow in their intensity.

I watch the white lines flash past for a while,
grab a beer from the back
and you give me that look - but it's hot and I'm thirsty
and what I say goes.
I juggle the can and wheel like an acrobat,
lob the empty, watch the scenery.
Mountains.
Probably my favourite part. It's a wonderful little bit of writing here. I haven't a way to really describe it, but just say it's honest, pure writing.

Heat haze like an angels halo around a cross
high up on the rocks. Trust the Spanish.
If a girl fell from those rocks and split her head,
I reckon you'd see soul.
And again, you end this with a wonderful surprising, yet believable and fitting ending. Everything that is the meaning of this piece is presented to the reader in such a matter of fact way, like there wasn't any other choice, and yet there is that hint, with your use of words, that suggests that it can all be different.

I truly missed reading your stuff, Chris. There's a great deal of honest writing here, not just in the subject and content, but in the wording you choose and the beautiful lines you use to put it together.
I hope you will post again soon.


Carmel
This is not a pipe
#3
I really like everything about this, there isn't anything I can criticize. I know this is a really ****ty comment but this was really really well written. I loved the way you break your lines and I love some of the comicness in this. I just liked everything. Awesome job. Thanks for your words on mine.
#5
Liked it a lot, even though I had to look up a few words in the dictionary, haha. Can't say I'm the most experienced poetry reader, but I enjoyed it nevertheless. Sincere and literate, without being confusing. Nice work.
#7
Man Chris, it's like the 4th time I'm trying to crit this. Hopefully I'll squeeze something constructive to say out of this piece.

Quote by we have sound
I can't hear a word you are saying
above the noise of this perilous machine
winging its way cross country.
What a travesty.
Wow, this is a very, very strong opening line. Especially considering the piece as a whole. Starting this piece off stronger would have been a difficult thing to do. I'd change line 4 to "that damn travesty" but that's just me. Would alter the meaning a bit, I guess . As for the setting up the mood and ambiance of the story, I don't have any negative comment here.

Agencies to the alliance, we engage in diplomacy with
"Let's stop and fuck!" and
"Not yet baby, I'm ballin' this jack another hundred"
but we stop and fuck anyway,
just to kill time.
I'm mixed up on the repetition of "stop and fuck" here. I think you could put it up in a more interesting way in L4. At first I wasn't too found of "diplomacy" also, but I guess it works. Also, I must say that the detachment that the narrator seems to have to the story is quite troubling, you conveyed that pretty well.

But the loud pedal aches and the country is barren so
soon enough, we're back on the road again.
Not a piss stop, and not maritime baby this is a real motor,
and what a noise.
Straight and true, no swaying here,
just a gaping cavernous wonderful powerful grill,
eating up the miles.
Haha, god, how much you make me hate the protagonist here... Actually, it's just a very good caricature, I guess. Also, I have to say that this is a very, very well written bit. Everything there, especially the flow and the line breaks, is great.

I watch the white lines flash past for a while,
grab a beer from the back
and you give me that look - but it's hot and I'm thirsty
and what I say goes.
I juggle the can and wheel like an acrobat,
lob the empty, watch the scenery.
Mountains.
Shouldn't it be "pass" in L1? as for the rest, nothing to complain about, really.

Heat haze like an angels halo around a cross
high up on the rocks. Trust the Spanish.
If a girl fell from those rocks and split her head,
I reckon you'd see soul.
Angel's halo? At first I thought I was bothered by the repetition of rocks here, but it's not too bad. Instinctively, I'd put "High up on the cliff". But yeah, you know... As for the ending, it's perfect. Simplistic, yet very effective. The use of I reckon here is ace, it made me laugh a little. I must say I love the possible interpretations of this piece . I'd be curious to know yours, actually.


That was a pretty enjoyable read, Chris. I loved how everything seemed to be put in place in such a natural way. Writing-wise, I mean, obviously.
It's good to have you back and please do keep posting stuff .

-Mathieu
#8
Would you be offended if I told you this kind of reminds me of Thursday? Not in a bad way but just the way it is written kind of resembles the way they did their lyrics on war all of the time. i think you've really grown into your own and are one of the sites best writers and this piece is no different. honest, and emotional with very little problems in my book.