#1
C4C. Punch told me I needed to make things a bit more simple and I agree, I kept that in mind when writing this. I know I owe loads of people crits, so just tell me and I will return in time.


Was it fair of brown hair?

A slouch mantles my shoulders
as I
stand in solemn evaluation
of my experience, mirrored
by the flow of the tide.
Hot sand tickles my feet,
scaldingly abrasive…

The tide comes in.

I walk onwards, searching
the meeting of hands, that
connection I felt in her,
only once.
And the spray caresses my
lip,
it’s a soft touch, reminiscent of
warm milk;
reminiscent of her rose bud.
The water frosts my feet…

The tide heads out.

Waking from the endless
trance,
I stumble and feel my way
around memories, only
to find myself lost as the
last duckling, failing to find
his mother. I can’t remember
the tides face, only it’s touch

The feeling of loss is enough
to freeze over the hobs of hell…

and the throb of my heart.



.
Last edited by confusius at Sep 5, 2007,
#3
Pretty damn good matey. I love the way you break it up with the turn of the tide and the interesting choices in line breaks, reminds me of my own writing in a strange way. Much more mystical and emotive content though. I have one up at the moment if you want to check it out, no need for a big crit just let me know if you like it




love is a dog from hell.



#4
Hello there.

I don't think we know each other, but it will surely come. I agree with chris when he says it's reminiscent of his own writing, and it's said in a damn good way.

I was happily surprised with this. I'll definitely read more of your stuff. Sorry not to give a handful crit, but you know, I felt like letting you know I really enjoyed the read.

Keep up the good stuff!

-Mathieu
#6
Your writing has improved at a ridiculous speed, imo. I'm liking this style of yours, and this piece is one of your best (at least out of the one's Ive read). The 5th paragraph is very clever. I like some parts a lot, eg. " ... found myself lost ..." and pretty much everything in that part. Heaps of clever little things in this piece.

I know you said you didnt have much time, but could you have a look at my latest one? just a quick comment maybe. anything would be cool.
#8
I think it's the best thing that i've ever read in ur thread . It's really strong . Right now i have to be somehwere else but i'll crit this later . I promise you this ( "i won't repeat the whole expect a critique thing") .

Hi
#9
C4C. Punch told me I needed to make things a bit more simple and I agree, I kept that in mind when writing this. I know I owe loads of people crits, so just tell me and I will return in time.


A slouch mantles my shoulders
Not a fan of mantles as a verb here. Odd use of the word.
as I
stand in solemn evaluation
of my experience, mirrored
by the flow of the tide.
Hot sand tickles my feet,
scaldingly abrasive…
Idk, I always appreciate it that you go to great lengths to paint the picture and use the senses, but for me a lot of the time it sounds over-done and a little forced. It's almost like your forcing the images out rather than painting them with the words.

The tide comes in.
I think with this, you shouldn't use "tide" earlier and give us a better picture of the sea.

I walk onwards, searching
the meeting of hands, that
connection I felt in her,
only once.
These two words sound redundan, you have the desperate tone that lets us know it was only brief, so I don't feel you need this.
And the spray caresses my
lip,
it’s a soft touch, reminiscent of
warm milk;
reminiscent of her rose bud.
The water frosts my feet…
Again, I feel that maybe it's just looking to be something more; I do like the warm milk line though for some reason.

The tide heads out.
Nice change up of the words.

Waking from the endless
trance,
I stumble and feel my way
around memories, only
to find myself lost as the
"as lost as" is better, use two as's for the simile.
last duckling, failing to find
his mother. I can’t remember
the tides face, only it’s touch
Get a syn for tide. Also, punctuation on the end here.

The feeling of loss is enough
to freeze over the hobs of hell…

and the throb of my heart.
Nice rhyme, but sort of flat end. Just lacked a spark for the end that was witty or clever (I don't mean humorous), was just a meh ending for me.


.