#1
Mindless acts of insanity
breathes monoxcide
delivering the plague
wiping the human race

the founding fathers created Politics
to own our land and soon the world
abolishing to form their dream.

intentions made secret
problems began.
Ignoring the truth
believing the lies
Pissing on the fire.

a human creation drowns by might
nature proves, once again,
government has failed.

Wanting control
over people
over land,
over sea,
over life.
Last edited by Beaners_31 at Sep 5, 2007,
#2
In trying to give the song a structure, you've sorta made it quite vague.

I get the meaning but it doesn't stand out as clearly as it should.
All the lines continue into the next one. It gets a little tough to keep track.

I like the last part of it, but overall it really lacks clarity.

You should focus more on giving each line in the song/poem its individuality. So that the line can stand alone by itself and can hold a meaning. The job of the next line should be to emphasize and support the meaning of the previous line while holding a meaning of its own.

And then you need to add clarity to it. Write it in a way the reader/listener can easily grasp whats going on in the song. Then you can add a deeper meaning to the writing.

I wont say its bad. It does have quite a strong sense or emotion and political theme to it. Which is good!
But its just not quite there...!
#3
i feel like it has a zach de la roach feel which can be good if that is what your aiming for, other wise i cant really see any melodic sense in it, could be the way it is typed...
Gear

Soon to have Carvin California Carved Top
Fender MIM Strat (Warthog, Spotlight, Condor)
Epiphone Les Paul Custom
VOX Valetronix Combo
Boss ME-50
Alvarez Acoustic
#4
It's just the way I write.....If it delivers the message....than i've done my job....