#1
k. this one is new. i still need alot of editing and it goes in and out of the first person point of veiw. oh and i know the first line is a double negitive but it sounded good so i kept it.

I don't see no marching feet
marching toward the life you seek
all I see are broken dreams
scattered across empty streets

your all alone with no place to go
no food to eat, roof on a home
left out to starve by a mother, your own
carelessly left for her selfish smoke

the high she gets is put before your soul
the love she once had is buried deep in a hole
you dig and dig but never can find
that mother you had before she left you behind

momma, momma I want to see your face
feel your hand with my finger tips
and all I need is just one kiss
mother that's my only wish

I don't see no marching feet
marching toward the life you seek
all I see are broken dreams
scattered across empty streets

raindrops on a sunny day
is your only memory
of that day you saw your mother leave
never to return to be yours truly

all I see is a shattered mirror
with your mothers face and a single tear
you grew up with such a fear
of one day becoming just like her

I told you so but mom did you listen
I was speaking at a short distance
words that you should of heard
were left as if unspoken

I don't see no marching feet
marching toward the life you seek
all I see are broken dreams
scattered across empty streets
#2
That was really good!!

It was strong. Quite a touching topic you choose to write on. But you did a damn good job with it!

"momma, momma I want to see your face
feel your hand with my finger tips
and all I need is just one kiss
mother that's my only wish"

Simple but that just hits home!!!
I don't think you could have had written that in a more touching way!!

The structure is pretty tight. Good use of words.
This is one of the most intense song i've read here! Pretty well written!!
Good work!!
#3
thanks for the crit. i just wish i had a few more but oh well. lol. yeah i wanted it to be really touching for my sister and what my nephews are going through. hopefully she can take a hint. lol.
#4
^aah, so it is quite a personal track...

Well, hopefully your sis should get the hint from that! Its quite well written and it is quite touching.


And little tip on getting more crits is to crit other people's writings. In return they should crit yours... Its like a little rule of this forum that most people don't stick to!! lol!