#1
I'm back again, and it feels good to write a little finally. Been a very busy summer, but everything is starting to cool down, so expect me around here more and more in the near future.


***
There he goes (outward)
ambient with shine
flaking from the fingertips
because of sidewalk drawings,
the chalk (again) was so hard to find.

That wasn't me chasing you that night
by the barn
Around the corner, I could feel the wind
before it even started.
But the reeds weren't moving,
the reeds weren't moving.

My fingers were full of splinters
for the chalk I had
was neither the right color, hue, shade, texture,
resolution, or shine.

Breathing on top of each other's breaths;
mixing the fragments
that have been trying to escape
since our placements in time.

Fragments of time....
of asphalt, of redwood, and of shine.

It was me
who took the wrong fork in the road.
It was me
who left the streaks of blood in your hair.
It was me
who kept feeding your cat the wrong food
and it was me
who drew your portrait in places
only you would ever care.
#2
your first stanza is weak, as far as flow and feeling is concerned
it picks up after that, and improves, but i still feel that detachedness that does not work here,
and the final stanza is absolutely
beautiful

thank you for writing this
#3
Thanks tiggs, and yes I do see the detatchment in the first stanza....i think I changed my focus after that and was too lazy to go back and change it. Oh well, I'll see if I can improve it.
#4
I disagree with positive comment towards the finishing verse. It really reminds me of poorly written Blood Brothers stuff. Everything else here is pretty cool.. a little typical of you but i mean at least that means you've marked off your own area of expertise. good to see you back. hopefully some more thoughtful pieces from you show up in a bit.
#5
hue = colour.

that kind of pissed me off, cause you basically
said the same thing twice with "colour, hue..."
also, everything just seemed too... cryptic, i guess.
like. i felt like i couldn't enjoy it because it was too
personal, and you bring up ideas that you never
formally introduced, so it just gets kind of confusing.
all your stanzas also seem a little bit detached.

overall, it was decent, but i think maybe i'd enjoy it more
if i didn't feel that it was written for only you and the person
it's directed towards to understand. also work on making
the stanzas flow into each other, cause they do feel detached.

I just want to sleep forever.


#6
I have nothing else to add to the post before me except that you should read it back to yourself and see if it sounds how you want. Nothing any critics say on here matters, what matters is that when you read it back to yourself it sounds 'right', the right and wrong that people like me suggest is not neccesarily your right and wrong. Hope that helped and wasn't too confusing. Good luck dude.
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#7
thanks all...didn't even know that this was commented so much. I agree with most of the comments, kind of a piece to get me back in the flow of things, and Jared, I agree that the ending was probably a little too forced-epicish...i'll probably redo it to see if it will flow a little better with the rest of the piece.
#8
I thought this was excellent for the most part, but the last stanza was quite a bit weaker than the rest IMO. Still, it flowed nicely and the imagery and rhyme wored very well; especially the repated use of the word 'shine', that stood out as a strong point.
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#9
First of all, thanks for the crit. I appreciate it. I agree with the others that you need to find away to better connect the stanzas. Also some lines don't seem to wrok. For example the "ambient with shine" line kind of seemed too flowery. Also in the third stanza I think you can cut down on the number of words you use to decribe the chalk. That list kind of drags on. The fourth stanza stuck out to me as really being out of place and unnecessary. And in the last stanza, the "cat food" line also seemed to just come out of nowhere. I really think that you should stick with the chalk/drawing imagery and expand on that. Anyways, it was a good piece but I think it could uyse some work. Well, it's great to have you back and I'm looking forward to reading more from you.