#1
blahh, I'm not happy with it. But I've got to start again somehow. crit4crit


sticky fingers and champagne

the moon seeks approval to lie
of love to the emotional as
a log's end and beginning rings
turn to one to suffocate the sky;
marshmallows burnt to a crisp.


Let's get naked in the tent
devotion's easy in the dark
and there's enough champagne
to catch a buzz loud enough
to shut up inhibition.

but none of it meant something
i screwed you for the story,
I hope you can't forgive me
you were just an ugly symptom
to my distorted thinking.

now you are an empty space
the forties of my timeline.
#2
I'm in the same situation as you. I'll try my best here.
Quote by clichealias
blahh, I'm not happy with it. But I've got to start again somehow. crit4crit


sticky fingers and champagne

the moon seeks approval to lie
of love to the emotional as
a log's end and beginning rings
turn to one to suffocate the sky;
marshmallows burnt to a crisp.

The way you set up the line breaks made it confusing for me to get the meaning of this at first. You might be missing some punctuation or having grammar issues here with L4. I love the setting, the image you're painting here though. Just out of curiosity, why is it in italic?

Let's get naked in the tent
devotion's easy in the dark
and there's enough champagne
to catch a buzz loud enough
to shut up inhibition.

I thought of L1 and L2 here as being incredibly too blunt. I know you were going for a mood shift here, but it just seems like it could be done in such better ways. That's all, I have no further suggestions... The last 3 lines seem great to me though.

but none of it meant something
i screwed you for the story,
I hope you can't forgive me
you were just an ugly symptom
to my distorted thinking.

I don't like "ugly symptom". I also have issues with L3...I recall most of your pieces having a much mature voice to them. I actually think you could re-write this whole stanza in a much more poetic way.

now you are an empty space
the forties of my timeline.

Ha, great ending though. Definitely keep this, try to build on it a bit more, maybe.


Overall, you showed some potential here. I don't know if you actually wrote the first part or not, so I'm still mixed up. I love the setting and the meaning here though, it just seems like you could write it with such better words, expressions, and mostly, voice. You have a few keepers there so don't worry and build up from them.

Alright, sorry if this was somewhat of a shitty crit, but I'm getting back in the mood also. There ain't much more I can do as of now. When you'll have the time, get to the first one in my sig.

Thanks,
Mathieu
#3
yeah the italicized part is in italics because it's showing the setting. Makes enough sense to me I guess.

But yeah, thanks for the crit. I'm kind of in a block, I'll probably delete this today.

I'll get to yours tonight, I'm not going anywhere.