#1
C4C.


A silver blade, swift and so sharp,
cuts the opalescent sky in two.
Towns made of dust and bone fall.

Towers of ivory a hundred feet high,
cast the dishonest within their shadows.
Children asking, “Is this what hell’s like?”

This is hell, this is the end.
The mind bends and the future distorts
horizons far away, breaking down.

No annals in future years;
no poems recited; no spoken words;
just two distinct worlds mutually extinct.
#3
I like the style. Im not in the right frame of mind to say anything else really. But one suggestion:

3rd line. You could try " Towns, made of dust and bone, fall. "
As the way it is atm, for my liking there's not enough pauses. Those commas will help, imo.

Thats all i can offer. Might edit this later.
(edit) Ok, just submitted summit. Any comment would be appreciated, cheers.
Last edited by samoo at Sep 6, 2007,
#4
I disliked the line breaks in S3.

"so" I feel can be dropped from the first line; my belief to cut out all unnecessary words.

end/bends wasn't subtle enough in my opinion - stuck out like a sore thumb (awful saying, don't ya think?)

Idk, it's difficult to get too much out of it - usually the pieces I get most out of are ones with characters - this lacked in that, meaning it was always to be difficult to engage the readers feeling.

Gah. Not me, but totally you, I know.