#1
still in a block. i just made myself write something.


i know you got lost in that alphabet city,
you were counting on your fingers like a grade school
tourist stepping out of a map and into the landcape
of the rural enterprise.
into the stock bonds on the avenues dressed in dollar signs
to keep their identity secret or not so
much.
but its the towers in the sky that keep us out of touch,
your antenna fingers are recepting foreign signals;
the tingle of your spine,
the smell of rain before the
gutters are flooded with wash, rewashed, and washed again
water from the clouds that squeezed out
their sanity through a plastic straw and drained the streets
of their trash and tracks to start spring
with a blank, blank memory of the seasons that passed through
an hourglass, on a mantle where
you don't keep much at all.
Except all your anxiety and nervousness,
all your optimism and skepticisms.
But some skyscraper enthusiasm is all you really need
to rush along through [and around] this round about life.

cause baby,
you can sleep inside the sewers, but someday
you've got to step outside your recycled loneliness and
show that
pretty face.
Last edited by rushmore at Sep 7, 2007,
#2
i know you got lost in that alphabet city, <- could use a period here... the next line sounds like the beginning of a sentence anyways.
you were counting on your fingers like a grade school
tourist stepping out of a map and into the landcape
of the rural enterprise,
into the stock bonds on the avenues dressed in dollar signs <- in order to better relate the next line to this one, i think it might sound better as "...avenues that were dressed...", otherwise the next line seems kind of awkward as to what it's applying to.
to keep their identity secret or not so
much.
but its the towers in the sky that keep us out of touch,
your antenna fingers are recepting foreign signals; <- as far as i know "recepting" isn't a word... might want to use "intercepting" or "receiving" instead.
the tingle of your spine,
the smell of rain before the
gutters are flooded with wash, rewashed, and washed again <- i think the first "wash" should be past tense as well.
water from the clouds that squeezed out
their sanity through a plastic straw and drained the streets
of their trash and tracks to start spring
with a blank, blank memory of the seasons that passed through
an hourglass on a mantle where <- again having trouble relating this line to the previous... maybe change it to "the hourglass" and "the mantle"... that should help with that, especially since in the following lines you seem to be refering to specific items anyways.
you don't keep much at all.
Except all your anxiety and nervousness,
all your optimism and skepticisms.
But some skyscraper enthusiasm is all you really need <- you use "all" in this line and the previous three... that's too much in too little, in my opinion anyways.... i'd keep the one in this line, and the one four lines up since it's involved in that subtle rhyme with mantle... the two in the middle lines though don't even seem necessary... as far as i can tell the lines would carry the same message without them.
to rush along through [and around] this round about life. <- feels like kind of a weak line.

cause baby,
you can sleep inside the sewers, but someday
you've got to step outside your recycled loneliness and
show that
pretty face.

i like the ending... no complaints.

okay so not really up to par with your usual... but not bad for a "block piece". once again i don't quite follow your choice of line-breaks... but i expect that. other than that there were a couple bland lines where it seems you temporarily lost your creative edge... but i guess when you're in a block that comes with the territory.

nice work all in all.

i don't have anything new to crit, but when i do i'll let you know.
#3
thank you.
i definitely am not completely happy with this piece yet. i just wrote it in about 15 minutes and haven't looked back through it all yet. i probably will soon
#4
the whole thing is like. one big run-on sentence.
and although i really enjoy everything you've written,
it just seems so drawn out, and i really think that
adding a couple more breaks would greatly improve it.

but. i do like the content and what it has to say.

I just want to sleep forever.