#1
the first thing i've written in forever;
i know that it's probably terrible,
but i need something for the grand
championship that i'm somehow a part of.


sleep.

my ship floats gently
on a sea of gin;
my lungs are filled with
alcohol as i breathe in
the ocean air,
looking for a sense
of complacency,
or some sort of reason
not to stay asleep.
but i find myself lost,
still sinking deeper
into decadence,
and as cannonballs continue
to deconstruct
my once magnificent vessel
into a gloriously devastating,
nicotine-stained shipwreck,
i can only manage to find
even more reasons to stay asleep
amongst the dregs and debris
of my once admirable life.

I just want to sleep forever.


Last edited by Grovermans at Sep 7, 2007,
#3
Quote by Grovermans
the first thing i've written in forever;
i know that it's probably terrible,
but i need something for the grand
championship that i'm somehow a part of.


I don´t know why you say the poem is "probably terrible".
Maybe your just looking for a new direction in your poems.
Ussualy that makes me think like that too


sleep.

my ship floats gently
on a sea of gin;

I never tried gin, but it´s a glamorous drink so i´m good with this

my lungs are filled with
alcohol as i breathe in
the ocean air,

The only thing that´s better then breathing alcohol must be breathing ether :p

looking for a sense
of complacency,
or some sort of reason
not to stay asleep.

Self satisfaction without a trigger is hard when someone´s bored :|

but i find myself lost,
still sinking deeper
into decadence,
and as cannonballs continue
to deconstruct
my once magnificent vessel
into a gloriously devastating,
nicotine-stained shipwreck,

It seems like your persona is full of potencial but is being "shipwrecked" by outside factors, or at least you´re watching it sink without reacting at all.

i can only manage to find
even more reasons to stay asleep
amongst the dregs and debris
of my once admirable life.


I guess when you say "your once admirable life" you´re talking about the times when you weren´t so concious of things, including the loss of your inocence and dreams.

It´s cool if this is autobiographical and it´s cool if it´s not. I liked it alot, it was an admirable efford to describe the human condition of those trapped in the rotine of our society and those who are unable to change their sorroundings cause that would imply to fight against the masses ("cannonballs").
the cold, the noise i need it so...
#4
Quote by Grovermans
sleep.

my ship floats gently
on a sea of gin;
my lungs are filled with
alcohol as i breathe in
the ocean air,

I have no problems with this. It is a good solid opening, and it can conjure cool images in my head.

looking for a sense
of complacency,
or some sort of reason
not to stay asleep.

Again, no problems with this. Not as colorful, or descriptive as the first, but that is A-Okay.

but i find myself lost,
still sinking deeper
into decadence,

Didn't like this. It seems pretty generic.

and as cannonballs continue
to deconstruct
my once magnificent vessel
into a gloriously devastating,
nicotine-stained shipwreck,
i can only manage to find
even more reasons to stay asleep
amongst the dregs and debris
of my once admirable life.

A good, though not completely special ending.

In the end, this was a fairly good piece. It wasn't ground breaking, but it was good. I liked 'admirable.' It made me think of 'admiral' which sort of goes with the whole sea thing. It was very good in terms of the imagery, and all. Though the subject matter just seemed to be conveyed in a standard (a good standard) way.

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=667373
#5
Overall I think the atmosphere is great with the imagery of the ocean. I get this picture of a ship floating in a misty, slow, and gentle ocean. I think the alcohol and mentioning of gin kinda gives me this foggy vibe lol. I like how the lyrics convey a sorta loss of hope, like the narrator's thinking back on his life but can't summon the energy to care about the way it's going and what will happen to him. I agree with Dorkus too, the "admirable" really brings to mind "admiral" lol and fits in great. Overall I really liked it and I hope to read more from you.
#6
Quote by Grovermans
the first thing i've written in forever;
i know that it's probably terrible,
but i need something for the grand
championship that i'm somehow a part of.


sleep.

my ship floats gently
on a sea of gin;
my lungs are filled with
alcohol as i breathe in
the ocean air,
looking for a sense
of complacency,
or some sort of reason
not to stay asleep.
Eh. Unamazing, to be perfectly honest. Come on, ship imagery? That's like, so last year, man. Some of this is ugly worded, "some sort" and "not to stay" just sound icky to me. gin/in rhyme is weak too, not subtle enough or clever enough.
but i find myself lost,
still sinking deeper
into decadence,
Okay, props for the alliteration. The whole sinking thing though, way to just re-use old ideas, Kyle. I know your more original than that, I mean that king of machines? As incomprehensible as it was to me, I far enjoyed that to this mouldy stuff.
and as cannonballs continue
to deconstruct
my once magnificent vessel
into a gloriously devastating,
nicotine-stained shipwreck,
Over-done alliteration sucks though, because it just shows a lack of ideas in my opinion. Better images here (except the god-awful word of shipwrecked), deconstruct is a good word choice, but really, it's just not gripping.
i can only manage to find
even more reasons to stay asleep
amongst the dregs and debris
of my once admirable life.
Bleh.

In my honest opinion, just not good. Sorry Kyle


EDIT: Not to say I didn't like the theme or subject you were going for. But the ship imagery blew in my opinion, and if you had tried to portray this in a more original way I most likely would have liked it.


If you could, in my sig. Many thanks. (Heck, even a bump would do)
#8
Im tired, but might as well give a go at helping you. Read it through a few times, there's nothing mindblowing, but nothing horrible. 'Floats' could be replaced with something more interesting, it's the first line, spice it up a bit. Especially since you're goin for an imagery/surroundings based piece, yknow? "Breathe in" and "the ocean air" should probably be on the same line, because as it is now, the rhyme ('gin', 'in') isn't subtle enough. The 'complacency' part was interesting enough , but 'stay asleep' - a bit dull. The middle part was the best bit as far as I can see, but then the quality of writing is dragged down a little by same old 'stay asleep' . One point that you might want to look at, is how often you're using "me" and "I" etc. This kind of thing is which variation is lacking throughout this piece. Uhhm, my advice would probably be to go through it again, chop and change until you feel you truly like it. If you could post on mine, that'd be cool, https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=10656454#post10656454 , thanks.
#9
Quote by Green_Sponge
the "admirable" really brings to mind "admiral" .


I thought that as well. Overall-whilst its not a particularly challenging piece, i think its pretty good. You're certainly not sailing in uncharted territory (sorry!) with this one, but you manage to exercise a good vocabulary and an obvious lyrical skill and its light and interesting to read. Not my favourite by you but definitly enjoyed it.

return crit if you get a chance?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=668703
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#10
It's very you.

Same old.

Sorries.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching