#1
The mirror hides a tainted smile
In amongst its lies
A fools creation hides within
A twisted hand to drag you in

Beast of Hatred come
Sing to heavens high
Blackened is the sun
The Morning Star has come
Seeking out the beast
You've become

The stone aisle
Beckons to be wandered
The light within the dark
Leading you towards
A hope that you’ve seen before
Tearing you undone

The beast is chained
Thrown away
Sent back another day
Waiting for the moment
The beast is freed
Sent to rage against humanity

This is something that I just threw together, I can already see it needs a lot of work, but I just wanted to get some opinions on it first, have fun
Last edited by Led Zepper at Sep 14, 2007,
#4
This sounds like it could be a Nightwish Song. only some lines dont fit but its cool to me.
#5
Quote by Led Zepper
The mirror hides a tainted smile
In amongst its lies
See the creature you’ve become
It’s tearing you undone

I like the first two lines, but the last two seem sort of generic. Try delving deeper into the imagery you start with the first lines.

This beast you have now become
Sings to heavens high
Blackened is the sun
Free the beast you have become
See what you have done

Again, I like the first three, it sets up for such a crescendo within the stanza, and the last two lines pull it down... I think you need to find a new line to repeat save for "free the beast you have become.../see the creature you've become" because while its a good line, two stanzas in a row it has felt out of place, and it seems to just be thrown in at the end of the stanza, when you could use the other two lines to finish explaining and creating imagery. Specifically on this one, I wanted more about the blackened sun, instead I just got a repeated line.

The stone aisle
Beckons to be wandered
The light within the dark
Leading you towards
A hope that you’ve seen before
Tearing you undone

Fantastic.

The beast is chained
Thrown away
Sent back another day
Waiting for the moment
The beast is freed
Sent to rage against humanity

Very good closer, probably your strongest stanza. I love how you end on rage against humanity.



The potential I feel with this piece is uncanny. However, I think you need to break away from the "becomes" in the first two stanzas, and finish with the imagery. The mention of the blackened sun got me excited, because it has so much you can do with that type of an image and symbol of darkness, and you just shyed away from it, which was disappointing to me.

However, I think this piece is a great start, and with some work, could be spectacular.
#6
Iron Sabbath, thanks for the kind words, I too can see that some words need to be changed, I'm just waiting for the right ones.

ZanasCross, firstly I would like to thank you for seeing some potential in this song, I too am hoping to turn this into something spectacular, secondly I would like to thank you for that great bit of crit there, showing me some parts that need to be worked on, and what to put into those places, the ideas for imagery and where to use it has been great, so I thank you for that.

Led Zepper
#7
Quote by Led Zepper
The mirror hides a tainted smile
In amongst its lies
A fools creation hides within I actually prefered the line, "See the creature you've become" - it continues the metaphor of the mirror
Leaking out your sin It's this line that was and is the problem. You need to continue the imagery, as ZanasCross said, but keep with the mirror. Maybe, 'In the reflection of your eyes' or, 'Reflecting your demise' or, 'Hidden/Hiding in your eyes'... you can probably think of something better than me.

This beast you have now become This line doesn't flow right for me. Firstly, get rid of the 'now'. Secondly, move away from 'become'! Maybe talk about where it came from, rather than what it used to be... 'This beast from in your looking glass'? But at least get rid of the 'now'.
Sings to heavens high
Blackened is the sun I love this imagery, both this line and the one before!
The Morning Star has come I don't think this works... the morning star is quite a hopeful thing, so what about if it 'has left/gone' instead?
Seeking out the beast Seeking out... or fleeing from?
You've become

The stone aisle
Beckons to be wandered
The light within the dark
Leading you towards
A hope that you’ve seen before
Tearing you undone
I like this stanza! Very, very good... in relation to this bit, the Morning Star makes sense. However, I still think that within that verse it doesn't quite fit.

The beast is chained
Thrown away
Sent back another day
Waiting for the moment
The beast is freed
Sent to rage against humanity
Another beautifully strong verse. Great finish!


I like this a lot. Just a few minor things I had issues with, but feel free to ignore them, I tend to be overly picky and pedantic. Well done!
He likes Keats but she's into Yeats - it's a matter of Romance

E-Mistress to UG's Finest Gentleman


Come away, oh human child,
To the waters and the wild
With a fairy hand in hand;
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.
#8
miss muso, I never, ever just ignore a crit, I sum it all up, and then...make an "educated" guess, and I will change a bit of this around and make it better, a lot bettter....I hope , and picky and pedantic is good, helps change pieces into better stuff, really pick up the bad stuff and every little mistake, anyway, thanks

Cheers

Led Zepper