#1
Crit 4 Crit
sorry for ****ty line breaks .




Smirk

He roves as a corsair In
the middle of a desert,
Waking up from a catnap
after the tragic panoply.
He pulled out a lancet
from an ancient scabbard
and secluded the leash
from his neck.
He walked several hillocks
and discovered a horde,
insipidness created way for
eagerness .His only chance
was not to be effusive.
After all, he was a wanted
fugitive….
He greeted them as a long
gone consort, who have once
again remembered his renege.
without any question, he was
part of their caucus.
If only he knew what was
their philosophy.
Several knacks started to
display their hokum.
To him,
The whole talk was full of
epigrams but the gist was
missing.
He decided to detract the
feeling of sadness from
this insipid dirge about
love, life and existence.
Few seconds later, his
lancet was once again
talking…
I always wonder,
What would have happened?
If truth had respected philosophy….


thnx for reading . I think I'm not in block anymore
Hi
Last edited by abhishek21 at Sep 7, 2007,
#5
I think that the story was pretty cool, but the way it read, it seemed as though you were namedropping clever words, as if you'd written a simple piece and replaced every noun using the thesaurus on microsoft word. Sometimes, it really works (insipid dirge), but sometimes, it really doesn't:


The whole talk was full of
epigrams but the gist was
missing.


This reads almost as if Harold Steptoe had written it.

I think that the structure and unconventional paragraphing really works, and along with the basic concept, and the opening line that draws you in, it's a strong piece, but my reservation is the choice of language, it comes across that you are throwing as many rare words as you can in just to bring up your kudos as an intelligent writer.

I'm going to award this with an 8/10, as it was a strong piece with an especially strong opener, but it lost marks, in that the unexpurgated ditty was copious of labyrinthine argot, but the gist was missing.

You see my point?

Anyways, cheers man.
#6
I agree with the man above me in saying that I feel like you overused the thesaurus. Sometimes using it to get a change on a normal word is good, but other times either the word is so outlandish or the use of the thesaurus is so overused that it negatively affects the piece. But that's all common sense. Overall, I found it to be a very interesting tale, but I wasn't sure about how you split up the lines. I don't really like it when lines are short like that. It amkes the flow seem choppy in my mind, but I am not sure how you intend for this to be read, so it is hard for me to criticize that. My favorite line was "He decided to detract the+feeling of sadness from+this insipid dirge about+love, life and existence." I liked it a lot. Overall, I liked this piece aside from the arrangement of the lines and the over-the-top feeling of some of the language. Good work.
#7
I owe the crit... so i will give it.... Just I'm lazy... and don't feel like reading another piece right now let alone give another crit......
Promises meant a lot back then.
#8
The story is cool but, like the rest have said, some words were too complicated. I didn't understand most of them. But other than that it's great.
Good Job!
#9
Thnx for the crit guys as far as those words are concerned. I knew most of them but not all of them and the use of them was intentional and i don't use Microsoft word. I prefer a pen and a paper
Hi
Last edited by abhishek21 at Sep 7, 2007,