#1
rubbish rubbish rubbish
Last edited by skagitup at Jun 25, 2008,
#4
Hi skagitup!

Society has become much stronger,
I like this line, because it has drawn me in. A good choice for the all-important opening line.

With misbehaviour, I'll be locked up longer.
The rhyme doesn’t quite work, and it seems as though the meaning has been compromised to rhyme, by turning the sentence round.

And I've been politcally incorrect...
I like this, but watch the spelling.

I've called a friend of myn, Dave.

That's his name.


I like the isolated line, it’s always a good technique, but I don’t understand the one above. Sorry about that, but I’m slow to begin with, and I haven’t had my coffee

But here I am, chained and stained.
And with time's debris, I cannot touch,
Touch nor see,
I'm left with No-one to speak,
and No-one to disagree,
I'm free.
Finally.
Politcally.


I like this, but again, I don’t really understand it. Does the 1st person die in prison? It’s pretty clever though either way, in that someone can be locked up, and yet free. It’s a revelation, or better described as a bastardisation of the word “epiphany”.

Overall, I think that jammydude is a little harsh. I’m a busy berries and cream lad, but I enjoyed reading this, and as such, it’s a good piece of work. Therefore I award it a prestigious 8.5/10. Just be sure to watch the spelling! J

Here’s a link back to mine
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=667167
#5
Cheers man ^

I'll crit yours tomorrow if that's ok? I've got a bug or something and I keep throwing up today... going back to bed in a minute

But i'll definitely get to it tomorrow.

Oh, and also, It was mean't to be about how nowadays you get abuse hurled at you for calling a gay person gay, a negro a negro, etc. etc. I thought it was more obvious than it clearly was. I think this writing is destined for the bin
#6
noo dont bin it! This may be one of the rare pieces of poetry i actually like! I admit its not as strong as your previous writing but its definitly not bin-destined! I liked all but the first two lines-they didnt really excite me, they felt very....simplistic.


And I've been politically incorrect...
I've called a friend of myn, Dave.

That's his name.


This part made me smile in a tongue in cheek sort of way. I love the chained and stained idea as well, its interesting.

If you get a chance?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=668703
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#8
listened to some of your stuff, so I figured I've give your lyrics/poem a read as well. I think this one succeeds as poetry, since poetry is more about the eye then lyrics (which are more of what they say) A few things though:

- did you mean to use the word myn? it doesn't make sense to me if you did. I just wanted to double check.

- i thought the second stanza was much weaker than the first. and kind of a sloppy ending. Touch being repeated, even with a pause indicated through the line break, was almost gut wrenchenly terrible. Surely you can fix that.

if you could, take a look at mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=675528

cheers.
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#9
Quote by aksuperstar

- did you mean to use the word myn? it doesn't make sense to me if you did. I just wanted to double check.

- i thought the second stanza was much weaker than the first. and kind of a sloppy ending. Touch being repeated, even with a pause indicated through the line break, was almost gut wrenchenly terrible. Surely you can fix that.

if you could, take a look at mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=675528

cheers.


first off, thanks for picking my worst (in my opinion) piece to crit...

I didn't mean to use myn. It's changed now.

I will now give a fair crit to your piece.
Last edited by skagitup at Jan 9, 2008,
#10
im not tht big into political poetry...but hey it was a really good piece. Very good for your first piece. Keep writing

If you can get around to it crit mine: http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=675730
"You've got to dance like nobody else is watching.
Dream like you will live forever.
Live like you're going to die tomorrow,
and love like it is never gonna hurt."
-- James Dean (1931-1955)

Quote by JakeTheDuck
This man has the right idea.


^
oh yeahhh
#11
Quote by skagitup
thanks for picking my worst (in my opinion) piece to crit


post a link of what you think is your best stuff ... I'm interested at this point.
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#12
well the stuff in my sig is generally what I'm more accepting of... Thirty Pounds or Do You Agree...