#1
I know I suck but please crit and help me
thx xD


Death Will Tear us Apart

Oh! How I wish you were here
My Dear
But I know its not gonna happen
Now is it

Whe my life started
soon afterwards yours ended
Its not fair
I dressed up for you and what do you give
me
Nothing but a sad song

Now am I gonna look pretty walkin down the street
with the clothes you bought
I have any luck all the girls will stare

But if you where here
I'd never have a fear
But you had to live your life the way you wanted
I wish it were yesterday
All my fears from today would
fade away
But I miss you more than I can ever say
#2
Oh! How I wish you were here
My Dear
dont force rhyme - it just sounds clumsy
But I know its not gonna happen
Now is it
this is too easy and too obvious

Whe my life started
soon afterwards yours ended
this doesn't flow too well. have a look at reworking it
Its not fair
I dressed up for you and what do you give
me
Nothing but a sad song
fair enough, though still a bit weak.

Now am I gonna look pretty walkin down the street
with the clothes you bought
I have any luck all the girls will stare
this is quite a nice idea. though u need 2 rework the last line slightly for flow

But if you where here
I'd never have a fear
again, dont force rhyme
But you had to live your life the way you wanted
I wish it were yesterday
All my fears from today would
fade away
rhyme sounds clumsy, "fade away" is a bit cliche
But I miss you more than I can ever say
boring and obvious

your problem with this piece, imo, is 1) that you force rhyme at the expense of what you're trying to say. and 2) that you haven't really gone deep enough. this seems like it could be quite an emotional subject, but you're treating it a bit superficially. try to avoid the old cliches and get your own emotions across

in all, this piece needs work, but if you up the emotion, and tune the flow so it doesn't seem so clumsy, you've got the potential to have a really good piece here

would be great if you could crit my latest piece?
when the guardian angel sleeps at his post - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=665201