#1
This started as more of a poem when I originally wrote it a long time ago, but now I went back and retouched it and I guess it turned into more of a song. Let me know what you think. Crit for crit, I guess, though I'm not sure how much help I'd be.

Twitching Fingers

Woah
It won’t happen
But for now
It is all I’ve got.

It won’t happen
But I’ll try and fail
And wait until my lungs
Are worn right through
To take a break
To have a rest
And still my twitching fingers.

-

These sleepless nights of planning
Treading concrete
Mumbled conversations never said
I don’t know if I can see it through
And only I can see through my lies
Because I’m the only one I’ll tell them too.

-

My hopes, I fashioned out of shards of glass
I ran out of tissue to protect them with
So pretty soon they’ll shatter
Just like the ones before
And it will take more heat to melt them back together
More energy for melding of those seams

-

And I won’t see it through
And my lungs will wear until there’s a hole
But I’ll wait until there is nothing left
Nothing for me here
To take a break from staying still
While dreaming of moving on
Then I’ll still my twitching fingers.
Yes, then my digits will have their rest
While my legs run for miles
And my eyes watch trees dance by

-

But maybe this dream
Is the one that will see me to the end
For now it’s all I’ve got
Could it be all I’ll ever need?

-

I’ll try and fail
And it will take a hammer
To still this twitching hand.
Yes, it will take a hammer
To stop my fingers
From dancing in their place.

I play piano and guitar.
Do you play piano?
Add me.
:]
Last edited by raindropsXroses at Sep 8, 2007,
#2
hi raindropsXroses, this is rather good. It's sophisticated, yet accessible.

I don't have ANY improvements.

Instead, I'll list my favourite bits, and say why I liked them. Hopefully, this will still be rather useful for future efforts:

And wait until my lungs
Are worn right through


Squeamish (sp?) lines are always great for depressing songs, it's one of my favourite techniques. I've done something similar myself on many occasions.

My hopes, I fashioned out of shards of glass
I ran out of tissue to protect them with


Fantastic metaphor.

Hammer on the fingers? brilliant.

Sorry I couldn't list any improvements. if you could leave me a few comments back, that'd be cool.

9/10.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=667167