#1
Memory


It’s like a leaf falling in spring:
There’s neither cold nor is there drought,
Nor shadows hunting for their prey,
And yet the shrivelled shape of ashen gold
Defies all senses, dies and falls

It’s like the sound of rain under a sheltered cove,
Where long forgotten traces lie
Of everything but those crystalline drops
That fill the world now
In a melody of gloom and light

It’s like the silence you can nearly hear
When you stay quiet, listening,
Craving to feel the sound of vacancy
Over the million whispers
Giving unseen shape to everything

It’s like a thought that never fades,
Haunting you in a stark perpetual drive
Where laws and rules do not abide,
And slashing all you ever were
Until inside you nothing’s left


It’s just a memory.
A memory that you were fated to
The very instant that it came to be.
so who do i have to kill to get a crit? --> Memory


(e-cookie for whoever spots the alliteration, ha)


y cuando llegue el momento, sólo el viento se llevará lo que siento; y cuando acabe mi suerte, sólo en la muerte estaré fuerte y despierto...
#2
ANA! I'll give you that full crit now.

Quote by spanishsmn
It’s like a leaf falling in spring:
There’s neither cold nor is there drought,
Nor shadows hunting for their prey,
And yet the shrivelled shape of ashen gold
Defies all senses, dies and falls

While most of this stanza flows quite well, that second line really seems out of place, it kinda ruins the flow there. Aside from that, the rest is great.
Quote by spanishsmn
It’s like the sound of rain under a sheltered cove,
Where long forgotten traces lie
Of everything but those crystalline drops
That fill the world now
In a melody of gloom and light

As you know, I love using rain in my writing, and I love seeing it mentioned in other people's writing, I really like this part, but the word crystalline seems kind of odd...although I'm not sure that there's another word that will fit any better either...
Quote by spanishsmn
It’s like the silence you can nearly hear
When you stay quiet, listening,
Craving to feel the sound of vacancy
Over the million whispers
Giving unseen shape to everything

Hmmm...I like what you mean by this part, but there's something I don't like about it...Hmm..it doesn't seem as strongly written as the other verses here.
Quote by spanishsmn
It’s like a thought that never fades,
Haunting you in a stark perpetual drive
Where laws and rules do not abide,
And slashing all you ever were
Until inside you nothing’s left

Now this part, I LOVE. It's very, very well written, and I think it's near perfection..or as Morgan put it, it's superb.

Quote by spanishsmn
It’s just a memory.
A memory that you were fated to
The very instant that it came to be.

Really like this ending. Very nice.


Overall, I think this is a very good piece. Obviously, as with every song, or poem ever written, there could be some improvements, but once again, another fantastic piece of writing from MT's best writer
Yellowknife, Northwest Territories
#3
aww... i think i just blushed.

i see why you might have a problem with the second line of the first verse, but up to the point of thinking it ruins the flow? hmm, dunno... i do agree about "crystalline", though, it's definitely an unusual word in my writing... and yeah, the third verse isn't quite my favourite either, especially its second line. but hey, let's be positive, at least i momentarily got out of that huge block i was in... ^_^

thanks very much for the crit, lib, i'll most likely be revising this after i'm done with my exams, so i'll consider everything you said. cheers!
so who do i have to kill to get a crit? --> Memory


(e-cookie for whoever spots the alliteration, ha)


y cuando llegue el momento, sólo el viento se llevará lo que siento; y cuando acabe mi suerte, sólo en la muerte estaré fuerte y despierto...
#4
It’s like a leaf falling in spring:
There’s neither cold nor is there drought,
Nor shadows hunting for their prey,
And yet the shrivelled shape of ashen gold
Defies all senses, dies and falls


the way you rhyme the lines, is great, it flows without feeling forced.

It’s like the sound of rain under a sheltered cove,
Where long forgotten traces lie
Of everything but those crystalline drops
That fill the world now
In a melody of gloom and light


your a great poet.

It’s like the silence you can nearly hear
When you stay quiet, listening,
Craving to feel the sound of vacancy
Over the million whispers
Giving unseen shape to everything


silence, you can nearly hear, i like that... the way you describe things, it makes me actually feel the words.

It’s like a thought that never fades,
Haunting you in a stark perpetual drive
Where laws and rules do not abide,
And slashing all you ever were
Until inside you nothing’s left


all the verses seem to start the same, giving the poem a feeling of oneness, which is a good thing.


It’s just a memory.
A memory that you were fated to
The very instant that it came to be.


great ending.


well, im not much help, but then again theres nothing that i think needs to be changed so....


yeah, if you have time check this out, not nearly on your level but anyway.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=10683766#post10683766
#5
First of all thanks for the crit. I appreciate it. Anyways, I really like the use of iumagery and the excellent flow this piece had definitely added to it. If I could find any fault with this piece it would have to do with specific word choices. In thethird line of the first stanza, I would say "no" instead of "nor". Also in the third stanza I think you should replace "craving" with something else. "Craving" just reminds me of food. Also I think you can come up with a better adjective than "million" to describe the whispers. Anyways, nice job and keep it up, dude.
#6
^^hey, thanks for checking this out. just so you know, i think i used "nor" in that third line basically to give it more cohesion - i know it would also work well with "no", but tbh i kinda like it better with "nor". dunno, i think it gives out the feel i was looking for, like more of an enumeration that could go on and on rather than separate facts. as for "craving"... lol, food? wow, i hadn't thought about that, that's for sure... ^_^ but in case you wanna know, i'm not a native english speaker, so i'm not too sure of what "craving" would remind you people of. i'll see what i can do about that.

i agree about "million", though, cos there's bound to be something way better than that. i must say, however, that i did consider some other words there, but none of them seemed to fit the piece properly. dunno, i'll go on looking for other possibilities there.

thanks again for the crit, i really appreciate your taking the time.
so who do i have to kill to get a crit? --> Memory


(e-cookie for whoever spots the alliteration, ha)


y cuando llegue el momento, sólo el viento se llevará lo que siento; y cuando acabe mi suerte, sólo en la muerte estaré fuerte y despierto...