#1
verse 1:
dark sunrise is coming
coming around the hills
better get to running
running away again

and they didnt know that
you were on your way
and everything they had
they just threw away

instrumental chorus:

verse 2:
the cold winds a blowin
blowin from afar
and there aint no use knowin
knowin where you are

youve been here
a thousand times before
it aint no new sensation
knocking on this door

Instrumental chorus:

Verse 3:
the sun rises
rises as you fall
and everything you have done
doesnt matter at all
#2
Hey this songs pretty
good
there are some parts i really dont like(running away again).(knocking on this door)
but thats me
#3
Quote by FreeManson15
verse 1:
dark sunrise is coming This imagery could do with a bit more 'punch'. I'm not sure how.
coming around the hills
better get to running
running away again

and they didnt know that
you were on your way - What do you mean by this?
and everything they had
they just threw away - Again, unclear meaning. Did 'they' throw the subject away?

instrumental chorus:

verse 2:
the cold winds a blowin - Ugh, cliché.
blowin from afar
and there aint no use knowin
knowin where you are - This seems very much filler.

youve been here - Syllable count.
a thousand times before
it aint no new sensation
knocking on this door

Instrumental chorus:

Verse 3:
the sun rises
rises as you fall
and everything you have done
doesnt matter at all - Switch 'doesn't' with 'won't'. I think that'd fit better.


Work on this a bit more.
#4
thanks very much for your crit, mate. and i'm definitely not such a good writer yet, so i'm certainly all good with checking out your stuff too.

dark sunrise is coming
coming around the hills
better get to running
running away again

not too fond of the overall wording here, to be honest. the third line is somewhat weak, and your attempt at creating a contrast on the first line doesn't quite work. i think you should go for more elaborate wording so as to create a vivid image of what you're trying to express. the repetitions of "coming" and "running" aren't my favourite either, but that's not so important.

and they didnt know that
you were on your way
and everything they had
they just threw away

it's alright if you're somewhat vague on the first stanza, but here it just becomes confusing rather than intriguing. who are "they"? what is it that they "threw away"? dunno, i believe you need to have a clear idea in your mind when you're writing so you won't be this abstract. on another note, that first "and" doesn't make much sense, since there's not really a clear connection between the previous stanza and this one - i'd scrape it, or maybe change it for a "but", if they are indeed connected in some way.

the cold winds a blowin
blowin from afar
and there aint no use knowin
knowin where you are

whoa, kinda sudden change in style here, don't you think? at this point i really do get the impression that you have no exact aim for this piece in mind - that you're just writing whatever comes up, so to say. also, the use of "ain't" isn't at all necessary. hmm, i'm afraid i see no point in this stanza in its current form, it'd definitely need more to it to have a positive effect on the reader.

youve been here
a thousand times before
it aint no new sensation
knocking on this door

okay, again i find this part confusing, since what automatically pops into my head is something like "huh? been here? where? and what door?". too many questions for a single stanza, really. if i'm not wrong, though, i believe you might be trying to connect this part with the previous stanza ("knowing where you are"), and trying to use "here" and "that door" as a way to express one or another feeling or state of mind, but it simply doesn't make much more sense than that. you could definitely do with more elaborate writing.

the sun rises
rises as you fall
and everything you have done
doesnt matter at all

i kinda like this stanza, especially as an ending to a piece. however, it doesn't quite make up for the rest of the piece, which being so overall confusing makes this ending have a slightly negative effect - at this point, i mean, the reader is probably wondering what exactly is it that "you have done" and why it "doesn't matter at all" instead of appreciating the writing itself. on another note, i must say that the repetition of "rises" here does work better than those before. also, i'd add an "it" at the beginning of the last line to help the flow. but i like it, anyways.

so. overall, this isn't quite as good as it could be and it definitely could do with some improvements. personally, i find it so vague and confusing that i'd really just scrape it and start from the beginning - with a clear idea of what you wanna write about as a starting point, mind you, and maybe keeping that last stanza and just polishing it up a little. ^_^

that said, i believe that you could write much better things if only you tried to broaden and develop your style and your skills, and if you attempted to make your writing revolve around one single idea for each piece, not just abstract concepts or thoughts. it's a matter of writing regularly and trying new things every now and then, i guess, so just keep to it and i'm sure you'll improve loads.

i apologise if i've sounded harsh or anything, it's not intentional. i just kinda felt like being picky and ripping it apart... but yeah, keep at it.
so who do i have to kill to get a crit? --> Memory


(e-cookie for whoever spots the alliteration, ha)


y cuando llegue el momento, sólo el viento se llevará lo que siento; y cuando acabe mi suerte, sólo en la muerte estaré fuerte y despierto...
#5
actually i thank you for being harsh, im trying to improve, thats what the point of this forum is... i think ill use that last verse and write a new song around that, i agree that that is the best part of this song.