#1
The title doesn't mean anything... just something I thought sounded okay. : ]

A lazy rhythm looms in the stark black atmosphere.
The ages beckon foward, leave no room for petty fears,
and sinking thoughts leave broken bones to weather into dust,
while empty souls pine painfully over past years aimless lust.

This city speaks, breathing lines and lines of smoothly whispered verse,
avenues lined with ersatz trees tell the doctor where it hurts.
Drunks tell forgotten stories from their prophetic sidewalk seats,
they chant with soft, slurred syllables about half-baked epic feats.

See for yourself the other dimensions as reality denudes itself,
and the poets and the playwrights foster souls with sacred help.
the mighty rhythm reverberates from oaken porch to stone,
and in the twilight, comes to rest with freshly buried bone.
Member #4 of the "I have parents over 50 and i'm a teen" club, pm tanglewoodguit to join.
#2
Quote by altosaxgeek5
The title doesn't mean anything... just something I thought sounded okay. : ]

A lazy rhythm looms in the stark black atmosphere.
The ages beckon foward, leave no room for petty fears, - I like what you're trying to express here, but I don't think you're doing it quite right. It might just be syllable count, or a matter of phrasing.
and sinking thoughts leave broken bones to weather into dust, - I love this.
while empty souls pine painfully over past years aimless lust.

This city speaks, breathing lines and lines of smoothly whispered verse,
avenues lined with ersatz trees tell the doctor where it hurts. - And this.
Drunks tell forgotten stories from their prophetic sidewalk seats,
they chant with soft, slurred syllables about half-baked epic feats. - And this

See for yourself the other dimensions as reality denudes itself, Again, phrasing.
and the poets and the playwrights foster souls with sacred help.
the mighty rhythm reverberates from oaken porch to stone, I think 'echoes' would really do better here.
and in the twilight, comes to rest with freshly buried bone. Syllables. 'More freshly buried bone', perhaps?


Some brilliantly vivid imagery, chap. Crit mine?
#3
Quote by altosaxgeek5
The title doesn't mean anything... just something I thought sounded okay. : ]

A lazy rhythm looms in the stark black atmosphere.
The ages beckon foward, leave no room for petty fears,
and sinking thoughts leave broken bones to weather into dust,
while empty souls pine painfully over past years aimless lust.
Theres a typo on forward just to let you know. The rhyme scheme is simplistic here. The basic AABB and while the atmosphere/fears might be ok the lust/dust is a little to blunt for my tastes. Other than that this is written very well. And that should leaving no room instead of leave no room in the second line.

This city speaks, breathing lines and lines of smoothly whispered verse,
avenues lined with ersatz trees tell the doctor where it hurts.
Drunks tell forgotten stories from their prophetic sidewalk seats,
they chant with soft, slurred syllables about half-baked epic feats.
This is another well written stanza in my opinion but i still have the same problem with the simplicity of the seats/feats rhyme.

See for yourself the other dimensions as reality denudes itself,
and the poets and the playwrights foster souls with sacred help.
the mighty rhythm reverberates from oaken porch to stone,
and in the twilight, comes to rest with freshly buried bone.
Well i reread all of it and i started to see how the simple rhyme at the end adds to the flow a substantial amount. This is another good stanza. You seem to know what you're doing and i say keep it up. I'm interested in reading more from you. Can you give me a crit? Links in the sig.


#4
wow...very nice. i don't like the second line of the second stanza though....bit forced IMO. but i disagree with apocalsadkahjsfgk sons, it works..it may be simple but it works and that's all that really matters in a song....because..in the end, you're writing a song for yourself even if it's about another person, you're writing it so that you can be content in knowing how you feel about that person or whatever..ANYWAY, good work. the first stanza is very good, i really like it and the second and third ones are solid.