#1
i dunno if this is really a song or a peom, its just somthing i wrote onto paper, comments would be nice, C4C?

moon stars,
reflect from my eyes,
watching as the time slips by,

each slip,
wind takes control,
leaving you breathless,
taking your soul,

cloud cover illuminates the sky,
trapping the blue air, from our eyes,
plants fall off the side,
the forest awakes a calling,
for the sun to rise,

sounds pierce,
like a knife to silk
droopy eyes,
sag to the side,

dead and lonely
left behind,
for what its worth,
its a crime,

crimes against are what i see,
you and me are equal, dig?,
no need, to fight,
its better left undone,

hate breeds love,
which fuels the fire off hate,
in the end, see, it all relates,

thoughts seem mixed and incoherent,
like a shell trapped in an ocean current,
i speak what i hear,
feel what i see,
this is a story,
of what one seek to believe,

P.S i wrote this on the spot,
Last edited by Greg_23 at Sep 10, 2007,
#2
Quote by Greg_23
i dunno if this is really a song or a peom, its just somthing i wrote onto paper, comments would be nice, C4C?

moon stars,
reflect from my eyes,
watching as the time slips bye,
I like the rhyming in this part...

each slip,
wind takes control,
leaving your breathless,
taking your soul,
..and this part

cloud cover illuminates the sky,
trapping the blue air, from our eyes,
This part doesnt flow
plants fall off the side,
the forest awakes a calling,
for the rise of the sun,

sounds pierce,
like a knife to silk
droopy eyes,
sag to the side,
good Metaphore use

dead and lonely
left behind,
for what its worth,
its a crime,
This would make a good bridge in a song

crimes against is what i see,
you and me are equal, dig,dig?
no neeeeed, to fight,
its better left undone,

hates breeds love,
which fuels the fire off hate,
in the end, see, it all relates,
I like the meaning
of this line but could be said better


thoughts seem mixed and incoherent,
like a shell trapped in an ocean current,
i speak what i hear,
feel what i see,
this is a story,
of what i seek to believe,
i like this part
Song Title idea: Seek To Believe

P.S i wrote this on the spot,


I like it, its good for on the spot. And i think it would make a really good song but a mediocre poem.
Birdie Birdie in the sky, why'd you do that in my eye? Looks like Sugar, Tastes like sap.....OMG ITS BIRDIE CRAP!
#3
thanks alot, this is probably the first positive crit i have gotten haha, and i like the song idea, thanks alot for the crit, ill crit one of your pieces, and it was never untented to be a poem, just didn't know what it fell under.
Last edited by Greg_23 at Sep 8, 2007,
#4
Quote by Greg_23
i dunno if this is really a song or a peom, its just somthing i wrote onto paper, comments would be nice, C4C?

moon stars,
reflect from my eyes,
watching as the time slips bye,
that should be "by" instead of "bye". good start.

each slip,
wind takes control,
leaving your breathless,
taking your soul,
should be "leaving you breathless". likin it. nice flow.

cloud cover illuminates the sky,
trapping the blue air, from our eyes,
plants fall off the side,
the forest awakes a calling,
for the rise of the sun,
The flow is a little uneasy with three rhymes in a row then two lines that dont rhyme. However this stanza is very creative and artistic. I like it.

sounds pierce,
like a knife to silk
droopy eyes,
sag to the side,

dead and lonely
left behind,
for what its worth,
its a crime,
These two stanzas arent bad but I wasnt really feeling it. As someone once said to before, no linne should be wasted.


crimes against is what i see,
you and me are equal, dig,
no neeeeed, to fight,
its better left undone,
Should be "crimes against are what i see". I like this stanza. Although the exaggerated e's arent necessary.


hates breeds love,
which fuels the fire off hate,
in the end, see, it all relates,
the first line in this stanza should either be "hate breeds love" or "hates breed love" the first if you want to be gramatically correct. but the second sounds cool to me anyways. Not bad though.

thoughts seem mixed and incoherent,
like a shell trapped in an ocean current,
i speak what i hear,
feel what i see,
this is a story,
of what i seek to believe,
This last stanza really threw me off guard. It's very good. The rhyme and the flow is impeccable. Overall I liked the piece. I just enjoyed reading it. You need to work on spelling and grammar but after that you should be able to write some good stuff. Crit mine? Link in the sig. It's called Persistence of Memory: Apocalypse Sons.

P.S i wrote this on the spot,


#5
Quote by Greg_23
thanks alot, this is probably the first positive crit i have gotten haha, and i like the song idea, thanks alot for the crit, ill crit one of your pieces, and it was never untented to be a poem, just didn't know what it fell under.


no need for return crit i dont have anything to post right now,
Birdie Birdie in the sky, why'd you do that in my eye? Looks like Sugar, Tastes like sap.....OMG ITS BIRDIE CRAP!
#6
Good Job greg loving it bro, I'll crit when I get home, but basically feeling the same as the above guys, grammar mistakes etc, but overall tis very good buddy.
The Ripper

Oh the songs Jim, the songs, they'd melt your face!
#7
thanks everyone for the feedback, ill work on my spelling, haha, among other things you have mentioned.