#1
Apologue


She should sew her mouth up shut,
Lipstick red colouring blood,
Telling tales she wished she could,
Ego fed with no back up, (lady lack of love)
Hiding Castaway in mud,
Castaway out of the world,
That she never grew to love.

Bell chime I don’t care,
About you I don’t care,
Twice a week I don’t care,
Walk home I don’t care,
Story time I don’t care,
Imagine I don’t care,

A hospital patient is waiting for you,
A man on the street is looking for you,
Finish this chapter, and then I am through.

She should use what’s in her head,
Keep her clothes upon her bed,
Daddy’s wrath is all she dreads,
Magazine lies that she’s fed, (lady lack of love)
Hiding castaway in mud,
Castaway out of the world,
That She never grew to love,

Bell chime I don’t care,
About you I don’t care,
Twice a week I don’t care,
Walk home I don’t care,
Story Time I don’t care,
Imagine I don’t care,

A hospital patient is waiting for you,
A man on the street is looking for you,
Finish this chapter, and then I am through.

Your life’s a book that needs to be burnt,
Your life’s a fable with nothing to learn.
And Like That. He was Gone.

My Lyrics

Love
#2
Quote by Andzee
Apologue


She should sew her mouth up shut,
Lipstick red colouring blood,
Telling tales she wished she could,
Ego fed with no back up, (lady lack of love)
Hiding Castaway in mud,
Castaway out of the world,
That she never grew to love.
I really enjoyed this stanza. It has its own unique thing going about it which i really like.

Bell chime I don’t care,
About you I don’t care,
Twice a week I don’t care,
Walk home I don’t care,
Story time I don’t care,
Imagine I don’t care,
Generally i would shun something like this using one line repeatedly but i must say i found it to be very nice.

A hospital patient is waiting for you,
A man on the street is looking for you,
Finish this chapter, and then I am through.
The AAA rhyme is ok in this stanza but i didnt really feel the last line. It just wasnt workin for me.

She should use what’s in her head,
Keep her clothes upon her bed,
Daddy’s wrath is all she dreads,
Magazine lies that she’s fed, (lady lack of love)
Hiding castaway in mud,
Castaway out of the world,
That She never grew to love,
I didnt like this stanza much. It doesnt quite match the greatness of the first one. the rhyme in the first half of the stanza is almost too simple for my tastes.

Bell chime I don’t care,
About you I don’t care,
Twice a week I don’t care,
Walk home I don’t care,
Story Time I don’t care,
Imagine I don’t care,

A hospital patient is waiting for you,
A man on the street is looking for you,
Finish this chapter, and then I am through.

Your life’s a book that needs to be burnt,
Your life’s a fable with nothing to learn.
Okay ending. Not bad but not great. There were many parts in here i liked and there were parts i didnt. The piece as a whole just didnt quite seem too clear. The stanzas were very nice individually but i just didnt feel like they went together that well. But i am looking forward to reading more of your work. And thanks for the crit. Appreciate it.


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#3
Dude...That was really good, I enjoyed that.
Blood Sugar Sex Magik