#1
c4c
This is a new piece i wrote for my new series "Persistence of Memory". I will gladly critique your pieces if given a link. Recording coming soon.

Persistence of Memory: Apocalypse Sons

Forgotten in time
Only these fourteen could survive
Undying they'll never leave this show
Ravaging the night, ravaging the night away
Trapped in the loophole of time
Evening the score with their love
Evening the score just isn't good enough
Never leave this fight alone
Soon they will be coming home

Opening the door they'll find
Not a soul here's survived
So sever these ties
Overlay yourself with your future life

Fearsome as they are
And bitter from the wars
Petrified in time
Omitted from the dead
Casualty choosing from the best
Appoints the eternal breath
Living only to fight
Yet trying to get out of life
Soon the sons are born
En masse they'll even the score

Opening the door they'll find
Not a soul here's survived
So sever these ties
Overlay yourself with your future life
#2
Forgotten in time
Only these fourteen could survive
Undying they'll never leave this show
Ravaging the night, ravaging the night away
Trapped in the loophole of time
Evening the score with their love
Evening the score just isn't good enough
Never leave this fight alone
Soon they will be coming home

love the "evening the score just isn't good enough", real powerful line. I'm not to sure about the use of ravaging twice in the same line, but i guess it adds to it.


Opening the door they'll find
Not a soul here's survived
So sever these ties
Overlay yourself with your future life

Pretty Solid Chorus, at first i wasn't sure on the "overlay yourself" part, but after re-reading it, i quite like it.

Fearsome as they are
And bitter from the wars
Petrified in time
Omitted from the dead
Casualty choosing from the best
Appoints the eternal breath
Living only to fight
Yet trying to get out of life
Soon the sons are born
En masse they'll even the score

Petrified in time is a great line, but my favourite from here is "the eternal breath" - really good stuff. I'm not sure on how the rhyme scheme works, but i guess have wait for the recording.


Opening the door they'll find
Not a soul here's survived
So sever these ties
Overlay yourself with your future life

Overall i quite like it, look forward hearing how it sounds. I'm just sorry i can't offer any real suggestions to improve it. Good Stuff Dude.
And Like That. He was Gone.

My Lyrics

Love
#3
Quote by Apocalypse_Sons


Persistence of Memory: Apocalypse Sons

Forgotten in time
Only these fourteen could survive
Undying they'll never leave this show
Ravaging the night, ravaging the night away
Trapped in the loophole of time
Evening the score with their love
Evening the score just isn't good enough
Never leave this fight alone
Soon they will be coming home
The repetition of "time" is iffy, IMO. And the stanza as a hole is kind of uncertain with the sudden half-rhyme between the last two lines.

Opening the door they'll find
Not a soul here's survived
So sever these ties
Overlay yourself with your future life

Fearsome as they are
And bitter from the wars
Petrified in time
Omitted from the dead
Casualty choosing from the best
Appoints the eternal breath
Living only to fight
Yet trying to get out of life
Soon the sons are born
En masse they'll even the score
Hmm. A different word for "even" would be better, I think, and I'm still irked by the almost-rhymes (are/wars, best/breath, fight/life, etc.) because they aren't consistent thoughout the work.

Opening the door they'll find
Not a soul here's survived
So sever these ties
Overlay yourself with your future life


Is this by any chance inspired by the Salvador Dali painting of the same name?
Member #4 of the "I have parents over 50 and i'm a teen" club, pm tanglewoodguit to join.
#4
Forgotten in time
Only these fourteen could survive
Undying they'll never leave this show
Ravaging the night, ravaging the night away
Trapped in the loophole of time
Evening the score with their love
Evening the score just isn't good enough
Never leave this fight alone
Soon they will be coming home

good stuff, really like the flow, overall its pretty damn good!

Opening the door they'll find
Not a soul here's survived
So sever these ties
Overlay yourself with your future life

i really like this part, for me its the part that really defines the story, the end of time, good flow, good story so far

Fearsome as they are
And bitter from the wars
Petrified in time
Omitted from the dead
Casualty choosing from the best
Appoints the eternal breath
Living only to fight
Yet trying to get out of life
Soon the sons are born
En masse they'll even the score

even tho this doesn't rythem the best, i still like it, not every song has to rythm and for me its just fine the way it is, good imagines in here, i also like how the story builds here, nice work.

overall i like it nice job, sorry if my crit wasnt the best i am not the best at this, but ill put my two cents in, cheers