#1
this is my first song im not quite sure if im done with it or not...

C4C

She left you
Sad and broken
With all the words;
Never spoken
You Cry;She weeps
You stay awake;She sleeps
Knowing
Everything was meant to be

She left you
Sad and broken
And kept your picture
As a token
Of what she thought
Was perfect
#3
Don't worry with time you'll get better. read the tips thread it will help you.

You Cry;She weeps
You stay awake;She sleeps

Change it to past tense . It will make more sense that way.
Hi
#4
i quite like it dude. The last line is killer. I'm not sure on the "as a token" part though, il edit if i can think of anything. Its good for a first piece regardless. C4C?
And Like That. He was Gone.

My Lyrics

Love
#6
This is promising stuff, whilst your writing is a little simplistic and the rhymes did seem a little...obvious, you've grasped flow and rythmn really well. Keep writing-you're on a good track.

return?
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#7
I really like this. I don't really have anything to crit other than the length is on the shorter side for a song, and with the flow you have it might be better to have knowing everything on one line and meant to be on the next line.
#8
Quote by mooshupork1994
this is my first song im not quite sure if im done with it or not...

C4C

She left you
Sad and broken
With all the words;
Never spoken
You Cry;She weeps
You stay awake;She sleeps
Knowing
Everything was meant to be

She left you
Sad and broken
And kept your picture
As a token
Of what she thought
Was perfect


I liked the first four lines. When it gets to "you cry; she weeps" and "You stay awake;she sleeps"

I thought, like someone has already stated would sound better in past tense. I like the rhyme of it. Though, if this is supposed to be a sad sounding song, the rhyme make it sound happier.