#1
Just this second wrote this. Fairly self-explanatory and simplistic, its a run through of a day in my life haha

A Little Self-Involved

I Wake up monday morning and
I swear the room is spinning,
the clocks howling in the corner
and you're hitting snooze again,
drag my sleeping body
down for coffee and a cigarette
and hey we're doing well
coz we've been up for half an hour and
we havent argued yet

ten minutes late for work,
and I'm still only half way
and it starts to rain and i know in my heart-
this is gonna be one of those days,
as i punch in the code,
I put on my smiling face.
And then spend 7 hours watching the clock
desperate to get out of this place

[Chorus]
heres a little taste of the cat giving chase
backed up in a corner,
running out of plan B's if this is reality,
I'm sure i'd rather be someplace else

Its 5 o clock I'm home,
and desperate for a drink-
Unopened bills litter the floor
and a pile of plates in the sink,
I'm sure i should slip right
into natural housewife role
but a glass of wine and a cigarette
has gotta be better for my soul

[chorus]
so heres another taste of the cat giving chase
backed up in a corner,
running out of plan B's if this is reality,
I'm sure i'd rather be someplace else

hand hits 7 you're in,
the look on your face says
you're in the same place as me.
I ask how your days been
but i dont know why i bother,
coz im not really listening
and its not that im not interested
just that im very self involved

the suns gone down outside
Oh hey now what a suprise
I'm drunk and you're high again
I think its great we can share this
the favoured expression
of a pissed off generation
and its not that we dont know how to relate
its that we dont know how much more we can take

[chorus]
so heres another case of the cat giving chase
backed up in a corner,
running out of plan B's if this is reality,
I'm sure i'd rather be someplace else

-------------------------------------------------------

will return crit, leave a link-you know the drill.

Liz
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#2
I really liked it actually! I felt like I could relate to it, the rat race lifestyle, working for **** all in return but dealing with it. I like what it stands for.

"but a glass of wine and a cigarette
has gotta be better for my soul"

"the favoured expression
of a pissed off generation
and its not that we dont know how to relate
its that we dont know how much more we can take"

...those lines stood out the most to me, I love 'em!
#3
Loved the story-telling and imagery throughout, paticularly there was a part about plates in the sink that really brought up a massive image in my mind, so that was great.

I think there's things that can be improved, but i'll edit in a longer crit tomorrow or the next day, as I've said Im not very well atm.
#4
Quote by damn-right!
Just this second wrote this. Fairly self-explanatory and simplistic, its a run through of a day in my life haha

A Little Self-Involved

I Wake up monday morning and
I swear the room is spinning,
the clocks howling in the corner
and you're hitting snooze again,
drag my sleeping body
down for coffee and a cigarette
and hey we're doing well
coz we've been up for half an hour and
we havent argued yet

*Really like this nothing wrong with it except havent is haven't*

ten minutes late for work,
and I'm still only half way
and it starts to rain and i know in my heart-
this is gonna be one of those days,
as i punch in the code,
I put on my smiling face.
And then spend 7 hours watching the clock
desperate to get out of this place

*"I put on my smiling face" really spoke to me amazing imagery*

[Chorus]
heres a little taste of the cat giving chase
backed up in a corner,
running out of plan B's if this is reality,
I'm sure i'd rather be someplace else

*Heres is here's, love the last two lines, first two didn't speak to me as well; but still very good*

Its 5 o clock I'm home,
and desperate for a drink-
Unopened bills litter the floor
and a pile of plates in the sink,
I'm sure i should slip right
into natural housewife role
but a glass of wine and a cigarette
has gotta be better for my soul

*o clock is o'clock, love how you compare the work/play*

[chorus]
so heres another taste of the cat giving chase
backed up in a corner,
running out of plan B's if this is reality,
I'm sure i'd rather be someplace else

hand hits 7 you're in,
the look on your face says
you're in the same place as me.
I ask how your days been
but i dont know why i bother,
coz im not really listening
and its not that im not interested
just that im very self involved

*dont is don't, just that i'm very self involved doesn't seem to flow with the rest of the piece, though it has context*


the suns gone down outside
Oh hey now what a suprise
I'm drunk and you're high again
I think its great we can share this
the favoured expression
of a pissed off generation
and its not that we dont know how to relate
its that we dont know how much more we can take

*amazing ending, can't find anything wrong with it*

[chorus]
so heres another case of the cat giving chase
backed up in a corner,
running out of plan B's if this is reality,
I'm sure i'd rather be someplace else



Really like it.
9/10
Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe.
-Frank Zappa
#6
i feel like you spent too much time on explaining
what's happening and not enough time on
why it's happening or why it's significant.
i mean. i know that's not your intention,
but i feel like it would be a lot better if it didn't
feel like just a list of what you do every day.

but it was good for what it was.

I just want to sleep forever.


#7
haha it is just a list of what i do every day, just a sort of running commentary. Thanks for all comments.
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#8
For anyone interested- I've started recording this song, I've put up first draft on my profile. Have a listen and see what you think

http://profile.ultimate-guitar.com/damn-right%21/
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
Last edited by damn-right! at Oct 8, 2007,
#9
Not realy much to change I think, but i realy like the message in it, it's a great piece, listened to the recording, its pretty good too