#1
Last month I was climbing Flesh Mountain and
spotted a cave.
I was inching towards it carefully when my harness
broke.
It was a total avalanche.
Now I have this whole other set of problems on the backburner.
Life is either about to get very dreaful,
or very positive.
I've heard those sounds coming from your ovaries and
they're sweet and delicate, and they all used to sound
like "La Cucaracha",
and now they sound like "I Can't Drive (55)."
If I could crawl inside your uterus, to examine a paranoid hunch of
mine, oh what terrible things I'd do to it.
You'd push me out of yourself and I would at best resemble
a road flare that just won't die.
Going in as Seth Brundle.
Coming out as Brundlefly.
So here comes mah babay.
Here she comes noooow.
Goddamnit.
Poor advice.
Last edited by stellar_legs at Sep 10, 2007,
#2
You're obviously not fussed about pushing boundaries . Because this is very different. Interesting style, not amazing vocab or anything, I can't quite pick out what's good about this. I don't want it is, but it definitely is good in my eyes. Found the whole thing a little strange, but in an intruiging way; I wanted to read till the end. That's actually probably the only thing I didn't like, the final line, "Goddamnit". It seemed ... rushed, a bit less thought out than the rest of the piece. I don't know what this is, or what you want from it? so tell me what to crit/comment on, and I'll edit this if you like. Oh yeah, forgot to mention that I liked the title.
If you fancy it. https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=10656454#post10656454
Last edited by samoo at Sep 10, 2007,
#3
Ha, thanks, I think.

Your crit was fine. No need to comment anything else.
I'll check yours out later. I'm a little busy.
Poor advice.
#4
Quote by stellar_legs
Last month I was climbing Flesh Mountain and
spotted a cave.
I was inching towards it carefully when my harness
broke.
It was a total avalanche.
Now I have this whole other set of problems on the backburner.
I love how you describe what has happened throught the metaphor. It was carried out well
Life is either about to get very dreaful,
or very positive. <- I'm not sure if I like positive. It seemed a bit bland. Maybe look for another word.
I've heard those sounds coming from your ovaries and
they're sweet and delicate, and they all used to sound
like "La Cucaracha",
and now they sound like "I Can't Drive (55)." This made me laugh, in a good way
If I could crawl inside your uterus, to examine a paranoid hunch of
mine, oh what terrible things I'd do to it.
You'd push me out of yourself and I would at best resemble
a road flare that just won't die.
Going in as Seth Brundle.
Coming out as Brundlefly.This was great, I loved the alliteration
So here comes mah babay.
Here she comes noooow.
Goddamnit.


I think I agree with Sam, Goddamnit didn't sound as well as it could have. The whole piece was very clever, the wording was well chosen in most spots, but goddamnit just seemed a bit off. I know this is worst than my last crit, but this was great. I could go on about how much I liked the way you did this, the way your line breaks and on and on, but that won't help you. What I can say, is that many times,you seem to do that, you grow careless. As if you forget about what you are writing for half a second and that gives that line a bland feelign that really stands out in comparison to the rest of the piece. Very good none the less. C4C: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=668480
#5
I think Goddammit was just fine. I didn't see it coming at all until I read it as the next line and I lol'ed. I think it keeps the overall thought process that the song takes you through very punctual, and straightforward. And compared to the little bit of stellar's work that I've seen so far, thats what this piece has that the others don't give so easily - punctuality. A complete, straight forward, "Goddammit my life is over" thought.
We're only strays.