#1
This is a little piece I've been working on for quite some time, so I would really like some responce (So I happened to stumble over this place xD). Bear in mind this is partially shock value, though, so if you're offended, don't take it too hard. Actually, if you're offended, it worked, and I'd be proud of my writings xD

This is written as a song, so don't mind the repetation. Oh well, here goes:

Kick me, pick me, maybe you should lick me
Mock me, hug me, I know you wanna **** me

Kick me, pick me, maybe you should lick me
Mock me, hug me, I know you wanna **** me

Kick me, pick me, maybe you should lick me
Mock me, hug me, I know you wanna **** me

She made me tremble when she
Took her panties off for me
To lick her, a brand new taste
I kinda liked it, no haste
Even though the funny smell
Would send my mind straight to hell
She made me feel so alive
All this at the age of five!

Scared of what you see?
Can't you handle me?
Scared of what you see?
Can't you handle me?
Oh, did I make you
Oh oh, did I make you
Oh, did I make you cry?

Kick me, pick me, maybe you should lick me
Mock me, hug me, I know you wanna **** me

Kick me, pick me, maybe you should lick me
Mock me, hug me, I know you wanna **** me

Kick me, pick me, maybe you should lick me
Mock me, hug me, I know you wanna **** me

She made me tremble when she
Took her panties off for me
To lick her, a brand new taste
I kinda liked it, no haste
Even though the funny smell
Would send my mind straight to hell
Happened again yesterday
Who the **** are you to tell me right and wrong
Smell my fingers bitch, it's something you don't get
It's just like some ****ing cliché romance song
Feels like I've known her all my life, won't forget
Wrapped up in lies, she's now, she was, always will be
Mine.

Scared of what you see?
Can't you handle me?
Scared of what you see?
Can't you handle me?
Oh, did I make you
Oh oh, did I make you
Oh, did I make you cry?

Kick me, pick me, maybe you should lick me
Mock me, hug me, I know you wanna **** me

Kick me, pick me, maybe you should lick me
Mock me, hug me, I know you wanna **** me

Kick me, pick me, maybe you should lick me
Mock me, hug me, I know you wanna **** me

Scared of what you see?
Can't you handle me?
Scared of what you see?
Can't you handle me?

Kick me, pick me, maybe you should lick me
Mock me, hug me, I know you wanna **** me

Scared of what you see?
Can't you handle me?
Scared of what you see?
Can't you handle me?

Kick me, pick me, maybe you should lick me
Mock me, hug me, I know you wanna **** me

Kick me, pick me, maybe you should lick me
Mock me, hug me, I know you wanna **** me

Kick me, pick me, maybe you should lick me
Mock me, hug me, I know you wanna **** me

Who the **** are you to tell me right and wrong
Smell my fingers bitch, it's something you don't get
It's just like some ****ing cliché romance song
Feels like I've known her all my life, won't forget
Wrapped up in lies, she's now, she was, always will be
MIIIIIINE!


Yours truly,
Sinister Minister Twitchy
#4
Quote by Weybl Himself
You're a 15 year old virgin aren't you?


NOES U FIGURD ME OUT!! :'(

Nah, I lost my virginity at 13, and my age is none of your concern. Want the rest of my life story as well now that we're at it?
#6
Mmmmm, bad. It's like a pop song with a processed beat. Scrap and start again.
It's gonna be a blue day
#7
I guess as far as shock value songs go, this was ok... But you've been working on it for a long time? ...

It's always a little awkward when someone tries to put out these kinds of lyrics. Maybe with music, it'd be better. I mean, can you imagine reading Trent Reznor's lyrics to "I Want To F*** You Like An Animal" without even an inkling of a beat behind it? But with the music, it's a good song. I like to think that this is something like that.

Outside of this, I can't give much of a crit because the whole thing is awkward for me, just reading it. Put it to music, and if it has a decent rhythm to it... It might work.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=11046869#post11046869
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Change of Season

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#9
I love it. I would only change two small things - The age five thing - while it does provide the shock value you want, it kind of ruined the vibe of the song for me because I couldn't really imagine a five year old saying those things (it sounds a little too experienced), and I would also change the smell my fingers part - that just made the song lose its spiteful nature because it kind of made me laugh... Other than those two things I think that it is brilliant and that you accomplished exactly what you wanted. Sounds more like bloodhound gang than prince to me, though. Great job! Hopefully we'll hear a recording soon? Thank you and good luck!