#1
This is like 3 card solitaire and TVs over a fireplace.
It's a "buy one, free one" promotion.
Believe me when I say,
I'd still bottle every breath you take
So that someday, I can give them back.

This is me saying the magic three words
To the mirror, like I used to
Pretending to see your lips move
And form the charismatic smile
That still has me glued to it's corners.

This is me telling myself it was for your own good.
Whispering to my pillow that it's going to be okay.
Playing with it's drawstrings like I'd play with your hair.
Holding it close, cause I can't stop
The trickle of sweat going down my back.
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#2
"Whispering to my pillow that it's going to be okay."

That line really struck a chord (no pun intended) with me, I think most of us can relate to that, I like it...overrall I like it too, it sounds lovely dude. Acoustic?
#3
I really liked the whole thing except this bit

I'd still bottle every breath you take
So that someday, I can give them back.

The whole metaphor just didn't cut it. other then that a solid piece

i really liked the pillow line .
Hi
Last edited by abhishek21 at Sep 11, 2007,
#4
borntodie: Actually, I don't have any music for it yet. It just kind of spilled out of me last night and I haven't had time to do anything with it yet. I will soon, though.

Andy: You're really good at spotting all of my filler lines.
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#5
I am good at spotting fillers because all lines in my piece's are filler
Hi
#6
Quote by hideaway
This is like 3 card solitaire and TVs over a fireplace.
It's a "buy one, free one" promotion.
Believe me when I say,
I'd still bottle every breath you take
So that someday, I can give them back.

I like the opening, but feel that you let this stanza down, because the last two lines feel very out of place, and don't really relate to your opening for the stanza. I'd vote to re think the last two, i think you expand more on the first few lines


This is me saying the magic three words
To the mirror, like I used to
Pretending to see your lips move
And form the charismatic smile
That still has me glued to it's corners.

Solid. Good imagery, I can visualize and connect.

This is me telling myself it was for your own good.
Whispering to my pillow that it's going to be okay.
Playing with it's drawstrings like I'd play with your hair.
Holding it close, cause I can't stop
The trickle of sweat going down my back.

Very good closer, again, very good imagery, it links us all to a place we've all been.



Overall, very good... you just need to fix those few lines as they killed the piece for me. They just didn't make sense with what you were talking about, IMO. Definitely a very good starter, especially for just writing it last night.

Peace and coconuts,

-ZC