#1
la la la la, la la la
la la la la, la la la
la la la la, la la la
la la la la, la la la

Stay at home
All alone
Telephone
Hear the drone
Of a girl

Hide away
Never play
Cold today
Another prey
Of a girl

Do you believe the stories
That stop the memories
From crawling out
From crawling out
Do you take time to perceive
When she deceives
And who it's with
So who's it with?
Do you believe the stories of a girl

la la la la, la la la
la la la la, la la la
la la la la, la la la
la la la la, la la la

Come unstuck
Pull the plug
Superdrug
Little bug
Of a girl

Taste the dirt
Feel the hurt
Mini skirt
Handsome jerk
Of a girl

Do you believe the stories
That stop the memories
From crawling out
From crawling out
Do you take time to perceive
When she deceives
And who it's with
So who's it with?
Do you believe the stories of a girl

It's on your head my friend
It's on your head my friend
It's on your head my friend
It's on your head my friend

la la la la, la la la
la la la la, la la la
la la la la, la la la
la la la la, la la la


More poem coming soon. for now, britpop. Woo. C4C.
#2
reminds me of "take up thy stethoscope and walk".

it would make for a catchy song,
but there's not really all that much to it.
it obviously seems incredibly detached;
i'm sure that's what you were intending to do,
but i don't think that it really works out in your favour.

I just want to sleep forever.


#7
I'm assuming this is lyrical.

Bland lyrically, this would really have to work in song.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#8
It's obvious this is meant for a song, otherwise they would be terrible lyrics. But, reading it, I got the rhythm straight away.

Quote by Jammydude44
la la la la, la la la
la la la la, la la la
la la la la, la la la
la la la la, la la la

Stay at home
All alone
Telephone
Hear the drone
Of a girl
I really liked this. Now I may be a girl, but I definately agree with the 'hear the drone/of a girl'.

Hide away
Never play
Cold today
Another prey This line doesn't fit for me. The rhythm's out and the words don't connect anyway. Maybe, 'Escape the way(s)'? (with the 'e' as a lead in, rather than part of the line)
Of a girl

Do you believe the stories
That stop the memories
From crawling out
From crawling out
Do you take time to perceive
When she deceives
And who it's with
So who's it with?
Do you believe the stories of a girl
Presuming this is the chorus, I like it. It could turn out very well when put to music.

la la la la, la la la
la la la la, la la la
la la la la, la la la
la la la la, la la la

Come unstuck
Pull the plug
Superdrug
Little bug Again, this seems more like an attempt to fit in another rhyme than a connected line. Perhaps try, like with the first stanza, to make this last line make sense as the beginning of the sentence, 'Blah blah blah, of a girl'.
Of a girl

Taste the dirt
Feel the hurt
Mini skirt
Handsome jerk
Of a girl
This verse is good, can't fix anything here.

Do you believe the stories
That stop the memories
From crawling out
From crawling out
Do you take time to perceive
When she deceives
And who it's with
So who's it with?
Do you believe the stories of a girl

It's on your head my friend
It's on your head my friend
It's on your head my friend
It's on your head my friend
I think this fits in... not sure though. Is this a kind of accusatory line aimed at the rumour spreader in the storyline of the song?

la la la la, la la la
la la la la, la la la
la la la la, la la la
la la la la, la la la
I love these bits!

More poem coming soon. for now, britpop. Woo. C4C.


All in all, very well done. I liked reading it, and though some may say it's just the lyrics for a dodgy pop song, I found it really catchy.
He likes Keats but she's into Yeats - it's a matter of Romance

E-Mistress to UG's Finest Gentleman


Come away, oh human child,
To the waters and the wild
With a fairy hand in hand;
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.
#9
Catchy as **** Rhythmically you seem spot on. I don't care if it's simple or whatever, it's in my ****ing head and now it won't go away. It's almost got a tune built in. You bastard.

Well done, at the start I was scowling, by the end, grinning like a chimp.

Any style you can't do?
"You can never quarantine the past."
#14
Jamie, I think Evan wrote a crit with matt and randy. Steve edited it out, I guess.

As far as this piece goes, I owe you. I don't have much comments though. The chorus seems to work very well, some of the verses are great. V4, especially. The third one is good, but I'd change "little" in "little bug". As for the first one, I really liked it. However,

Hide away
Never play
Cold today
Another prey

That didn't make it for me. at all. I understand how it's relevant to the song meaning-wise, but I'd find another way to word this. Also, "another prey" didn't quite flow. One too many syllable. Of course you could pronounce it 'Nother prey. But you know. That's what I'd change.

I'll crit your next one with more depth.
#15
Ah Jamie, I had a blast reading this. I can only imagine what it sounds like in your head.

I can't crit this, but it seems everyone is bothered about "another prey". I imagine it isn't hard to make it fit rhythmically when sung anyway.

other possibilities:

One more prey

fallen prey

or

falling prey

(but the last one requires you change the following line slightly to: "to a girl")


Cheers,
SYK
Meadows
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