#1
this song is a slow one, i tried to use the commas to help depicted that, comments are welcomed, and of courses crit 4 crit?

gonna leave the world as a whole,
leave my heart gonna leave my soul,
continue today yesterdays old,

why does the world always have to turn cold?
just livin my life till my mind turns old,
look to your heart look to your soul,
surprised to find the answers are gold,

possibly a chorus

gonna find what it means to turn old,
gonna find whats trapped in my soul,

lost in translation lost my mind,
time seems to pass me by,

moving on by just wanna get high,
free my mind just wanna let go,
spread my wings let the good times roll,

things appear larger then life,
images i see sounds i feel,
when it all stops crumbels away,
whats left of life whats left to live,


start up again a new days born,
its time mend all the love,
that went out the door

when the sky turns clear
and the water turns warm,
remembering me,
remembering you,
Last edited by Greg_23 at Sep 12, 2007,
#2
I'll do this tomorrow if you don't mind. I feel lazy tonigh...though if shuffle behaves I might do it later. But don't worry, I will return, and if I don't, nag me, cause I should.
#4
Hmm, interesting rhyme scheme, kinda repetitive but it pulls it off. I like it, a little different.
#5
Quote by Greg_23
this song is a slow one, i tried to use the commas to help depicted that, comments are welcomed, and of courses crit 4 crit?

gonna leave,
the world as a whole,
leave my heart,
gonna leave my soul,
continue today,
yesterdays old,
Right, some nice ideas in this stanza but not pulled off to well. See, your problem was you left sentences really unfininished which might have been what you were going for but it felt choppy. Another thing, you used gonna a bit too much.

why does the world,
always have to turn cold?
just livin my life,
till my mind turns old,
look to your heart,
look to your soul,
surprised to find,
the answers are gold,
More of the same here, good ideas but undeveloped, they seem to jump around quite a bit. Try to write down on a page what you want to say in each verse so that you have an idea as to what you are going to do, where you want to go etc

possibly a chorus

gonna find,
what it means to turn old,
gonna find,
whats trapped in my soul,
quite good, I liked the syllable count here, but the way you did the sentences was a bit choppy again. I know you did the commas on purpose but that also adds to it a little bit.

lost in translation,
lost my mind,
time seems,
to pass me by,
bleh, this is a huge cliche. I'm sorry but it doesn't add much to the piece at all. I would just take it out tbh.

moving on by,
just wanna get high,
free my mind,
just wanna let go,
spread my wings,
let the good times roll,
Not bad, but it seemed as if you have changed subject. I mean, I know you are in the same subject but there was no transition between the ideas.

things appear,
larger then life,
images i see,
sounds i feel,
when it all stops,
crumbels away,
whats left of life,
whats left to live,
Again, you seem to go back to the vibe you had going on before and there is not transition. The writing here is also a bit blatant. Try to make things a bit less obvious, if you know what I mean.

start up again,
a new days born,
its time mend,
all the love,
that went out the door,
hrmmm, I don't know what I think about this, a part of me hates it for being so obvious but a part of me likes it because of the way it differs from the rest of the piece. =/

when the sky turns clear,
and the water turns warm,
remembering me,
remembering you,
Nice little ending, a bit cliche, but not bad.


Sorry I was so late to get to this.
#6
thanks for the comments, i know at parts it may seem like there no points, but that takes time, i changed up the structure of the sentences dont know if it helped, the only reason it was choppy, was to show the slowness of the song, i guess it didnt really work and made it feel choppy liek you said, but thanks for the comments really like your idea about writting down what i want to say in each verse, ill def use that nex time