#1
i watched the trees today
and all i saw were plastic bags
we waste our world for a quick fling
we fear a long-term relationship

the eerie beauty of the flying bag
watching it dance with the dying leaves

smoke stack burns death
poison spewed to the heavens
i wonder if god is choking with us?


we waste life on instant gratification
despite our percarious situation
we don't look to the final result
leaving it all half done

what will our children do with this world
is our lifestyle thier death?
#2
i watched the trees today
and all i saw were plastic bags
we waste our world for a quick fling
we fear a long-term relationship

good opening, in terms of letting the reader or listener understand the story and idea, however, there wasn't much flow or rhythm

the eerie beauty of the flying bag
watching it dance with the dying leaves

again good imagery but not much flow of rhythm

smoke stack burns death
poison spewed to the heavens
i wonder if god is choking with us?

this stanza get a little better, great visuals and good message, however again flow and rhythm

we waste life on instant gratification
despite our percarious situation
we don't look to the final result
leaving it all half done

this starts of great "we waste life on instant gratification
despite our precarious situation" but doesnt end as strong, two rhythms and ends off with "we don't look to the final result
leaving it all half done" doesn't have flow or rhythm. positives are good word play and vocab,


what will our children do with this world
is our lifestyle thier death?


again, rhythm and flow, i must sound like a broken record but you need to work on that, just get some flow and rhythm in here and it will make it that much better.

overall (you know what iam gonna say haha) you need to work on flow and rhythm, your thoughts are all there and the message is great (wish i thought of it) just work on it and it will come with time. CRIT MY NEW SONG A NEW DAY if you don't mind