#1
Eh. Kinda simple even for me. CRC. Writer's block is a pain. EDIT: REVISIONS WERE MADE

If you want we can close the doors right now
Give up pretending and get ourselves out
Nobody has to know but me and you
I can convince myself it's right if you do too

We can forget all the things we use to say
Erase past attempts from memory
Nobody has to know but me and you
But it can only be done if you want it to

We've based too much on this misconception
Waited too long to make a fixed impression
Played the part of the fool who never knows when to stop
Keeps tryin' and tryin' but never gets too far
So it's time to say our last goodbyes

I could write you a song,
tell you it was me all along - I was wrong,
But we're both too smart for that
So let's not even act
Savour what we had and - move along
Move along.

We've based too much on this misconception
Waited too long to make a fixed impression
Played the part of the fool who never knows when to stop
Keeps tryin' and tryin' but never gets too far
So it's time to say our last goodbyes for good.
Last edited by monkeyguitar78 at Sep 12, 2007,
#2
Quote by monkeyguitar78
Eh. Kinda simple even for me. CRC. Writer's block is a pain.

If you want we can close the doors right now
Give up pretending and get ourselves out
Nobody has to know but me and you
I can convince myself it's right if you do too
really nice start. the first line instantly grabbed my attention. i like the last line a lot too. no complaints here.

We can forget all the things we use to say
Make amends and end this tired game
Nobody has to know but me and you
But it can only be done if you want it to
i don't like the second line because i personally don't like how so many people refer to relationshipish stuff as a "game" in a song. its just used a lot. the last two lines are a bit repetitive...but its okay to emphasize what you said in the first verse.
We've danced around this for far too long
I'm started to forget what it was I was holding on
Time to say our last goodbyes, lets not drag it out
Don't think I could take much more, living in self doubt
this is pretty good...the rhyming makes the last line seemed a little forced though.
I could write you a song
tell you it was me all along, I was wrong,
and that I can't live my life without you
But the truth is
I don't need you, and by next week
your name wont mean anything to me
i really like what you're saying here...but its not organized nearly as well as it was in the first verse.

We've danced around this for far too long
I'm started to forget what it was I was holding on
Time to say our last goodbyes, lets not drag it out
Don't think I could take much more, living in self doubt


not bad overall...I would just suggest not letting the rhyming have so much impact on what your next line will be.

crit me?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=669646
#3
Thanks. I completely agree with what you said and made some revisions. Getting back to ya right now.
#4
Quote by monkeyguitar78
Eh. Kinda simple even for me. CRC. Writer's block is a pain. EDIT: REVISIONS WERE MADE

If you want we can close the doors right now
Give up pretending and get ourselves out
Nobody has to know but me and you
I can convince myself it's right if you do too

I think the idea of this first line and the doors being opened or closed is all a little too clique in my opinion. This is the only thing the taints the first verse for me.

We can forget all the things we use to say
Erase past attempts from memory
Nobody has to know but me and you
But it can only be done if you want it to

I liked this verse, except for the 2nd line, which seemed to stem the flow a little, it might be better: " from our memories" adding that extra one or 2 syllables. I know that's being slightly picky but that's just my opinion.

We've based too much on this misconception
Waited too long to make a fixed impression
Played the part of the fool who never knows when to stop
Keeps tryin' and tryin' but never gets too far
So it's time to say our last goodbyes

Loved this, but again the longer line in the middle, I just can't imagine it fitting. I don't like the idea of the playing the fool bit too. I'd definitely revise that line.

I could write you a song,
tell you it was me all along - I was wrong,
But we're both too smart for that
So let's not even act
Savour what we had and - move along
Move along.

I like this, I think it would make a great bridge/interlude.

We've based too much on this misconception
Waited too long to make a fixed impression
Played the part of the fool who never knows when to stop
Keeps tryin' and tryin' but never gets too far
So it's time to say our last goodbyes for good.


Overall, I like it, I mean if you're gonna revise anythign I'd say the part about the fool, everything else i mentioned wasn't anything too problematic and could easily be kept.
#5
Eh. Kinda simple even for me. CRC. Writer's block is a pain. EDIT: REVISIONS WERE MADE


If you want we can close the doors right now
Give up pretending and get ourselves out
Nobody has to know but me and you
I can convince myself it's right if you do too
Whats impressive about this as a beggining is that its original, especially considering the concept. It shines, and leads the reader to predict the same throughout. Very good job indeed.

We can forget all the things we use to say
Erase past attempts from memory
Nobody has to know but me and you
But it can only be done if you want it to
I'm not sure if you're trying to rhyme say and memory here or not, but if you are, It just doesn't work for me anyway I pronounce it. That hardly matters when/if its sung, but its worth noting. Last two lines are brilliant, imo.

We've based too much on this misconception
Waited too long to make a fixed impression
Played the part of the fool who never knows when to stop
Keeps tryin' and tryin' but never gets too far
So it's time to say our last goodbyes
Another great use of wording. The third line is just fantastic, its so easy to relate to, for me anyway. The flow, as is the entirety of the piece so far, is excellent.

I could write you a song,
tell you it was me all along - I was wrong,
But we're both too smart for that
So let's not even act
Savour what we had and - move along
Move along.
Whilst I like your word choice and concept here, I'm not sure about the structure. Its not bad but It could be improved upon; very sporratic, but thats what you could be going for.

We've based too much on this misconception
Waited too long to make a fixed impression
Played the part of the fool who never knows when to stop
Keeps tryin' and tryin' but never gets too far
So it's time to say our last goodbyes for good.

EXCELLENT closing line. A definitive 'the end' for a solid work.


Cheers, I'm no expert of the written word but I thought that this was beautifully written, in its revised state at least.