#1
hmm. this is a lot different from how I usually write...so i'm really curious to see what you guys think. the song can be heard by clicking the link in my sig.

c4c if you leave a link.


on your way out, you forgot
to take the life from me
this begins and ends
with only four letters
but time has crafted you and I
into two more characters

sidestep, mark the page
I'll collect and waste away
Its something I enjoy
flashbacks, hide the keys
I can't let you get to me
I'll write this off in words
I'll write you off with words that I won't speak

on my way down, I could swear
I felt you fall right through me
listening backwards as
the sounds catch up and lose their meaning
but even that can't stop me now, I promise
I won't be caught hiding our memories

from love to hate
my thoughts don't erase
but I do, I do
my pen, my ink
we'll draw our escape
but you won't, you won't
Last edited by anOnyMouSanIe at Sep 10, 2007,
#2
nice song... wish i could give a crit but i don't know what to criticize. overall nice job.
#3
I really liked the tune (I went on yer Myspace), and I thought it was great!

"sidestep, mark the page
I'll collect and waste away
Its something I enjoy"

Love that part.

...only crit I have is your voice, I didn't like it to be honest, it sounded a bit 'monged out', so to speak...but other than that, great song.
#4
sounds really good...I especially like "sidestep, mark the page..." that whole verse...
shortstuff
#6
Quote by anOnyMouSanIe
hmm. this is a lot different from how I usually write...so i'm really curious to see what you guys think. the song can be heard by clicking the link in my sig.

c4c if you leave a link.


on your way out, you forgot
to take the life from me
this begins and ends
with only four letters
but time has crafted you and I
into two more characters

First two lines really catch your attention.
Very clever writing in this verse.. Very good intro, IMO.


sidestep, mark the page
I'll collect and waste away
Its something I enjoy
flashbacks, hide the keys
I can't let you get to me
I'll write this off in words
I'll write you off with words that I won't speak

I listened to your recorded version of this, and I loved the general flow and structure. Again, very clever writing, I like your style.

on my way down, I could swear
I felt you fall right through me
listening backwards as
the sounds catch up and lose their meaning
but even that can't stop me now, I promise
I won't be caught hiding our memories

Very well done. At first I wasn't too keen on the last line but it fits too nicely with the verse, and without it I don't think it would feel whole.

from love to hate
my thoughts don't erase
but I do, I do
my pen, my ink
we'll draw our escape
but you won't, you won't

Good.


Unfortunately I don't have too much critique to give you. I thought it was very original and clever. A very interesting way to touch the topic. Structured very well and flows nicely. Thanks for getting to mine the other day.

#7
Thanks everyone! the replies were a lot more positive than i expected. I personally thought the last part was a little weak...but I didn't know how else to put it. as for the voice comment, I understand. Some people just aren't so keen on my vocals and thats fine.

anyone else? oh and i'm assuming those that didn't leave links didn't have something for me to crit. if you forgot though, just post one and i'll comment it.