#1
I don't know if this is finished or still in progress. I wrote it without my guitar, I'm gonna come back to it later when I have it. Anyway, here it is so far:

For What?

This asphalt feels like snow
Under my heavey feet
The fumes that surround me
The clutter and debris
The murmers of excitement
Are slowly fading in
For what cause am I fighting?
For no cause I can win.

You see my pain
But do not feel
Behind your pane
Of stainless steel
You see the flames
But feel no heat
All that remains
Is bare deceit

For what?


Constructive crit is welcome I'll do my best to return it, just leave a link.
Last edited by Mathamology at Sep 11, 2007,
#2
I really like the first two lines. The descriptions do well to create the scene. The last two lines of the first verse sounded a little awkward to me though. The second verse isn't as...mysterious to read as the first but it works. It just seemed odd going from the first verse to the rhyme scheme in the second. I think it should still be in progress...perhaps writing something to connect the first part better to the second. Right now it just seems incomplete to me...but what you have so far is pretty good.

crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=669646