#1
I'll just throw this one out there. If you feel it's worth a crit then sure crit it and I'll crit back.

Committed To Crime
______________________

Look at where we are now
One thing here links us all
It's the **** that we went through
All of us, me and you.

Keep the clock ticking wasting time winning our bragging rights
Look for laughs in our empty lives bearing dysfunctional nights
Tell me who you think you are to tell me what to do
I've lied a lot of times but now I want to hear the truth.

Look at where we are now
One thing here links us all
It's the **** that we went through
All of us, me and you.

You tell me what is wrong and you tell me what is right
So what is it when greed fuels the motivation in our lives?
It fuels the army's tanks and increases crime
So you benefit from the fighting on the frontline

Look at where we are now
One thing here links us all
It's the **** that we went through
All of us, me and you.

But I know we had it good compared to other times
Kid's growing up as tools used in their father's crimes
All these days being dragged up to be another casualty
The working class fighting for the mouths they have to feed

Look at where we are now
One thing here links us all
It's the **** that we went through
All of us, me and you.
Last edited by Adam_Harrison9 at Sep 12, 2007,
#2

Look at where we are now
One thing here links us all
It's the **** that we went through
All of us, me and you.

I'm afraid starting a song with your chorus isn't a great idea, it's better to leave these for the middle. I really like the verses they are really good lyrically and also have a degree of rhythm to them too making them catchy .....I cannot really fault anything about the song apart from that the chorus should be kept after the verses.

Good job overall dude!! ...

Would be grateful if you would review mine- just follow this link- https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=670547

Cheers,

Dan
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

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#3
Quote by Driveshaft Dan
I'm afraid starting a song with your chorus isn't a great idea, it's better to leave these for the middle. I really like the verses they are really good lyrically and also have a degree of rhythm to them too making them catchy .....I cannot really fault anything about the song apart from that the chorus should be kept after the verses.

Good job overall dude!! ...

Would be grateful if you would review mine- just follow this link- https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=670547

Cheers,

Dan


Hmm... yeah I was thinking a slow stringed opening with that sung, but the chorus will be sung much differently. Hmm I'll think about that one. cheers. I'll crit yours.
#4
Quote by Adam_Harrison9
I'll just throw this one out there. If you feel it's worth a crit then sure crit it and I'll crit back.

Committed To Crime
______________________

Look at where we are now
One thing here links us all
It's the **** that we went through
All of us, me and you.

Not the best opener, IMO. Not very strong lyrically. Good idea, mind you, I just think you can say it better. "All of us, me and you" sounds very rushed. Like, "Okay, I need a line here....this will do". I would fix this up.

Keep the clock ticking wasting time winning our bragging rights
Look for laughs in our empty lives bearing dysfunctional nights
Tell me who you think you are to tell me what to do
I've lied a lot of times but now I want to hear the truth.

I like the first two lines here. Third line sounds very childish but it works. For the fourth line, I would maybe reword it to, "I've lied a lot of times but now I want the truth", or "I've lied a thousand times but now I want the truth" ... I think it flows better. That's just me, though.

Look at where we are now
One thing here links us all
It's the **** that we went through
All of us, me and you.

Also, I would refrain from cursing, as it also seems very childish unless used well.

You tell me what is wrong and you tell me what is right
So what is it when greed fuels the motivation in our lives?
It fuels the army's tanks and increases crime
So you benefit from the fighting on the frontline

I like your ideas. Good flow aswell.

Look at where we are now
One thing here links us all
It's the **** that we went through
All of us, me and you.

But I know we had it good compared to other times
Kid's growing up as tools used in their father's crimes
All these days growing up amongst the same casualties
The working class fighting for the mouths they have to feed

Repetition of "growing up" doesn't work too well.

Look at where we are now
One thing here links us all
It's the **** that we went through
All of us, me and you.


Overall pretty good. Good ideas and good sense of rhythm. A few revisions and this will be quite good, I think.

Crit mine if you get the chance. I've lsot the link but, it's on this page called "Last Goodbye".


#5
Quote by monkeyguitar78
Overall pretty good. Good ideas and good sense of rhythm. A few revisions and this will be quite good, I think.

Crit mine if you get the chance. I've lsot the link but, it's on this page called "Last Goodbye".




Ok, I've changed the repetition. I'll also revise the opening and chorus.