#1
1. Avoid alliteration always.
2. Never use a lengthy word when a diminutive one will do.
3. Employ the vernacular.
4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unneccessary.
6. Remember to never split an infinitive.
7. Contractions aren't neccessary.
8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
9. One should never generalize.
10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than neccessary; it's highly superfluous.
13. Be more or less specific.
14. Understatement is always absolutely best.
15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
17. The passive voice is to be avoided.
18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloqialisms.
19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
20. Who needs rhetorical questions?
21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
22. Don't never use a double negative.
23. capitalize every sentence and remember, always end it with a period
24. Do not put statements in the negative form.
25. Verbs have to agree with its subject.
26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading that a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
28. A writer must not shift your point of view.
29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with).
30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!
31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of ten or more words, to their antecedents.
32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
37. Always pick on the correct idiom.
38. The adverb always follows the verb.
39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; they're old hat; seek viable alternatives.
sup?
#3
Heh, think I read that in an English class somewhere. 'Tis amusing.

I liked it more than some of the stupid stuff that's been posted in UG in the past...



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Last edited by yawn at Sep 11, 2007,
#5
I just spent 5 minutes tryin to think of something to write that broke all of those rules before I realized it was impossible.
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#8
Quote by blu_flame34
Haha I like them. I didn't get number six though.
The infinitive is "to split". The two were split by the word "never".
#9
I don't get it. **feels extremely stupid that THE PIT got it**
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#11
Oh I seeee about the infinitive. Thanks yawn. Pfft, over my head

shut_up_n00b, it's just that every sentence violates the rule that it simultaneously states.

Like in the first one, it's alliteration. In the second, dimunitive is an unnecessarily lengthy word.

I'm going to c/p it to some other English nerds like myself
#13
Quote by bassmanjoe08
I just spent 5 minutes tryin to think of something to write that broke all of those rules before I realized it was impossible.


+69
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#14
How can any native English speaker not understand at least the majority of these? ><


*curse you, faulty educational systems of the Western world!*
#15
Quote by ldl67
aw i thought it was pretty funny???, people seem to think its average..

funny??? funny my butt

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#16
Quote by mohawkkidJohn
i dont understand a single 1 of those rules


How did I just know that someone would say this?

Oh right, it's the Pit.
#17
I see what you did there.
The person below me is probably a homosexual.
#18
haha nice job man! English isn't my first language but I found them all funny!

Don't fvcking swear!

that was mine... rofl
Note: Sorry if my grammar and/or vocabulary isn't very good, English is my 2nd language!

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#20
This is exactly the kind of language with which up I shall not put.

I lol'd at #21 though.

Shouldn't #22 be Don't never not use a double negative?
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Last edited by Yamiyo at Sep 11, 2007,
#21
Quote by thvstdffrnc
the peeps that said "OH I get it!" didn't really get it at all
...I don't think anyone said that...
#22
That was good.


Quote by yawn
Heh, think I read that in an English class somewhere. 'Tis amusing.

I liked it more than some of the stupid stuff that's been posted in UG in the past...



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#23
I laughed. Number 25 was a bit off, though.

25. Verbs have to agree with its subject.

In this case, the verb (have) agrees with the subject (Verbs). The problem is inconsistency of noun plurality, since "its" implies a singular subject when the subject was actually plural. Maybe it was supposed to be "A verb have to agree with its subject," which would properly illustrate the point.

I'm done now. Anyway, bravo!
#25
Dude, I got that note last week. Or was it this week? I dunno.

EDIT: For anyone who didn't catch what's going on with the rules, they contradict eachother.
#26
Quote by ldnovelo
dude, no one else thiks this rules are a complete phail?
Maybe the illiterate folk. =/
#29
Quote by Yamiyo
This is exactly the kind of language with which up I shall not put.

I lol'd at #21 though.

Shouldn't #22 be Don't never not use a double negative?

dont never and not would make it a triple negative.
sup?
#30
Quote by yawn
Maybe the illiterate folk. =/

i laughed more at this than at the rules
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#32
there meh. somewhat clever imho. where are they originally from?
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#33
Quote by ldl67
dont never and not would make it a triple negative.




Ok that was stupid of me but I meant Don't never use a double negative isn't a contradictory rule.
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#34
Quote by Yamiyo


Ok that was stupid of me but I meant Don't never use a double negative isn't a contradictory rule.

oh i think i know what you mean.
sup?
#36
Quote by blu_flame34
Haha I like them. I didn't get number six though.

when you make a split infinitive, you place an adverb in between an infinitive verb (like to go or to do). it makes a sentence sound awkward, or more impressive. like "to boldly go where no man...." is a split infinitive.
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#37
Quote by yawn
H

I liked it more than some of the stupid stuff that's been posted in UG in the past...



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#38
Congrats, that was the lamest attempt at humor I've ever seen.
its 1:56 am and i just ate 6 chocolate chip cookies in not even near as many minutes