#1
This is the first time i've posted anything personal on here, but go ahead and crit harshly....just wrote it today, it's mostly a musical piece realy, but the lyrics are deffinently the most important..to me anyway. It's still kinda sketchy, thats realy the only reason I'm posting it in here.

Crit fo crit.


verse

I feel so empty
yet I know I'm filled
Pathetic remains of me...
the REAL me has been killed.

chorus

I long for what I was
I loath what I've become
I want back so badly
My body's going numb

verse

I feel so depressed
And depressing to be around
I sound so pathetic
as I lay curled up on the ground

:musical bridge:
chorus

verse

I feel so trapped
I need to find a way out
but now i'm so lost
and I'm so full of doubt.

I need help so badly
and I know were to go
but now I'm ashamed
for the reasons you know
I hope you'll forgive me
and let me back in
I need to tell you I'm Sory
and that I love you
my FRIEND
Last edited by HLrocker at Sep 11, 2007,
#2
verse

I feel so empty
yet I know I'm filled
Pathetic remains of me...
the REAL me has been killed.
I would change the me in the second line or third it sounds to repetitive

chorus

I long for what I was
I loath what I've become
I want back so badly
My body's going numb
this was good

verse

I feel so depressed
And depressing to be around
I sound so pathetic
as I lay curled up on the ground
this was good too

:musical bridge:
chorus

verse

I feel so trapped
I need to find a way out
but now i'm so lost
and now I'm so full of doubt.
I would take the "now I'm" out, i think it will help with flow

I need help so badly
and I know were to go
but now I'm ashamed
for the reasons you know
I hope you'll forgive me
and let me back in
I need to tell you I'm Sory
and that I love you
my FRIEND

this was good overall just a few minor details here and there, nothing big


crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=669838
#3
Quote by HLrocker


I feel so empty
yet I know THAT I am filled
Pathetics what remains of me...
My conscious has been killed(typical rhye scheme, so i changed it)

chorus

I long for what I was
I loath what I've become
I want back so badly
My body's going numb

verse

I feel so depressed
Like I drain all those around ( i dont like the repetition of depressed)
I sound so pathetic
as I lay curled up on the ground

:musical bridge:
chorus

verse

I feel so trapped
I need to find a way out
but now i'm so lost
in this haze as thick as cloud. (out and doubt are way to cliche of a rhyme ]

I need help so badly
and I know where to go(spelling)
but now I feel ashamed(flows better)
for the reasons that you know(same)
I hope that you'll forgive me(same)
and let me back inside(same)
I need to tell you that I'm Sory(sameee)
and that I love you
my FRIEND



well, those are my suggestions

OOOK.

that was a great piece, just had a few pattern issues.

Generally, when you read through, a five sylably rhyme scheme creates choppyness, where a six sylable creates a sense of flow. that was the only issue.

Great piece man =)
Last edited by Smoothrider_41 at Sep 13, 2007,