#1
Ok, so this has been re-done (posted a while ago when it was woefully incomplete) so hopefully now it's a bit more focussed and tighter. I've kinda just let it write itself almost, haven't stuck to a specific idea (as I'm sure you'll see), so let me know your thoughts please! Preferably give me as many specific negative thoughts as possible - I want to make this as good as it can be!!

Cheers, Ben
Attachments:
dawn.zip
#3
same i wouldnt call it metal but it was good. IMO the strings were all wrong for this song. they were right in theory but the deducted from the song as they were kinda used wrongly. they made that main riff sound weak and uninteresting so i had to turn them off. the acoustic stuff was the highlight in this song, but it was a really long and drawn out song and it was easy to get bored. maybe vocals will help but yeah. the solos were fantastic although the 3rd one didnt do much for me. the first 2 were easily enough.
#4
that was quite good i must say

it was pretty long, lucky i like long songs, it was actually quite ralxing to listen to now that i think of it

some of the riffs were a bit repedetive, but they were still good

solos were really awesome

um, i know theres something i was gonna say to fix, but i cant quite remember, ill get back to ya when i do

id say about 8 outta 10, possibly 9

crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=671876

#5
Very good song, I liked the solos a lot. I kinda agree about the keyboards though, it sounded better without them when in turned electric.
I'LL PUNCH A DONKEY IN THE STREETS OF GALWAY
#6
hmm have tried listening again turning the keys off in those sections but it just sounds kinda empty - will try fiddling about with them but what specifically didn't you like?
#7
not really a crit.. (don't got time right now for some detajled feedback)..

but overall good job.. but I see some places where it sounds a little empty.. I suggest you try adding some bass. that might fix it
#8
The intro guitar riff was nice, except the strings didnt help build it up as they were playing different chords, it felt as if they were holding the guitars melody back. This isnt to say playing different chords is a bad thing I do it all the time, but in this case I thought the keys were adding a slightly dissonant effect (in terms of chord layering) which isnt the best in an introductory situation like this.

The lead parts were good, they added well to the acoustic passage and the keys added some nice depth, except that it sounded as though you were trying to create a sub-melody through the keys and that took away the slow melody you had played in the lead guitar.

I like idea 2, it adds some nicely needed chaos after the smooth introduction. The chords you used for the solos worked well. Very good choice of post-climatic chords for idea 3, it brings the listener back to the soft sounding introductory passage, which I assume was the desired effect. Although I was slightly dissapointed when solo 3 came in and the piano dropped out. The piano really filled out this majestic sound that was going and the solo added to that, but when the piano dropped out during the solo, It removed some of the depth so it didnt feel like like a subtle climatic solo but it also didnt feel like a solo break because only the piano dropped out. Nice solo nonetheless. I thought the outro couldve used a small chord change, it felt like it just kept going on and on because you used the same chords the whole time.

Overall, nice song. Quite relaxing to listen to.
As the angel kisses me once again
You scream poison as you glare
Your bow and arrow by your side
As if you cared


It's a mour......astral congregation
#11
mmm can't write bass for love or money....so might give that a go but won't expect anything amazing. I'll have a fiddle tonight and may upload a further version again sometime soon lol - i'm never bloody happy! Cheers for the detailed crit theodore - will give yours a look later, and i'll try a few of your ideas. The third solo tbh isn't amazing, I want a Floyd-esque climactic solo thing so will have a look at lengthening it later - cheers for the advice people
#12
ok - i mucked about for ages with the keys and couldn't really find anything i particularly liked...problem is there isn't much that harmonises with the 3 arpeggiated chords I used for the rhythm guitar in the intro so i've tried a different approach. Let me know if you prefer it this way please (N.b. Only the intro is different)
Attachments:
dawn_edit.zip
#14
alright, sorry it took so long for my crit man

the intro was boring tbh. The acoustic stuff was alright, but the drums really killed it for me. The acoustic leads were kind of subpar also. They just didn't sound like really anything special. I don't know, it's kind of hard for me to describe.

for idea 2 maybe cut out the strings and just have a really heavy riff going on there with some faster drums. The octaves were also kind of odd. They just didn't really fit with the riffs imo, and neither did the strings really.

The build up also didn't really sound that good with the strings. They made everything else kind of weird sounding. The riff was good though and so was the lead.

the solo also sounded kind of weird, like jazzy or something. the licks were alright, but I would suggest doing some licks that are really fast or carry a stronger melody. Just work on making some more interesting rhythms w/ the notes to keep things interesting. Solo 2 also had the same kind of problems. it just sounded weird to me. It was also kind of boring. Try to make a solo that's either really energetic or really beautiful and melodic. the harmonized part was kind of odd also. Some parts soundede a little too happy, and didn't fit that well, like in bars 114 1nd 115.

Idead 3 was nice, but the strings, while correct with the chords, just didn't fit that well. Once the piano came in it sounded a little too happy for my tastes. The acoustic in and rhythm in also had kind of the same problem. Pre-solo and solo were also just too weird for my tastes. they sounded kind of happy in some spots and like jazz fusion or something in others.

the outro was good though. It had a nice melody to it that was relaxing, but once again the strings didn't really fit imo.

Overall I wouldn't classify this as metal at all. This is more like experimental jazz rock or something idk lol. It needs a lot of work if you want to write a metal song. It needs some faster more energetic parts or some really emotionally powerful melodies. Just work on it some more man. good luck
#15
Added Bass to the song just need to learn how to attach it to the thread. could someone help me out?