#1
A subliminal breeze on the uncertain seas
Calling, calling
A light on the coast of their frightful disease
Dawning, dawning
The sun falls below but the moon is arising
Nearing, nearing
Out from the water for slaughter they're climbing
Hunger, waiting for...

Fishman invasion!
They're gonna batter your babies with bread and sauce
Fishman invasion!
They're gonna take your cities by tartar force
Fishman invasion!
They're gonna fill their gills with blood and lemon
Fishman invasion!
They're gonna spill and kill until justice is done!


I wrote this to experiment with contrasts. The first half is pretty carefully put together with metaphors, internal rhymes and slightly more complex words. The second half is really simple, with some bad puns

It is really talking about someone stirring up revolution among people who are usually completely passive and are exploited. That could be office workers asking for better pay, or slave labourers staging a coup, so it's meant to be pretty universal. I wanted to avoid the "teenager spouting political sounding left wing tripe" label, although it may have ended up a little on the sillier side as a result.

Crit for crit of course, and I'll actually take some time thinking about them too
Quote by VR2005
Very good post Marmoseti, you're on the right track.



Because footstools are cool - UG's Classical Guitarists


PM Marmoseti or Confusius to join
#2
Although it could be perceieved as a 'parody' song, i can still see the message behind it that you are trying to put forward which is good, because something usually gets lost in translation with many songs on here. I'm not sure if fishman was the best example to use, because instantly a picture of Cpt Birdseye and all his fish products comes to mind, i'm not entirely sure what imagery you would go about using in this case, but i suppose that as long as the message gets across the images it conjures are not as important. The main thing is that a contrast like you have in there is a good thing, it takes away the would be repetitiveness you see in so many songs nowadays...

What i'm saying is....GOOD JOB!!!

Would be grateful if you crit mine too thanks, just click the link

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=670547
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

Quote by Minkaro
(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


Quote by Zeppo
Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
#3
Thanks, there is certainly meant to be a comic element to the chorus, but I thought people would be more receptive to the message if it was light-hearted, rather then being really heavy and openly political. Now I've just got to figure out yours
Quote by VR2005
Very good post Marmoseti, you're on the right track.



Because footstools are cool - UG's Classical Guitarists


PM Marmoseti or Confusius to join
#4
hehe...good luck with that!! ...
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

Quote by Minkaro
(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


Quote by Zeppo
Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
#6
I edited it for you this time.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Sep 12, 2007,
#7
Oh I'm so sorry I feel like such an idiot, I guess it says read before posting for a reason Thanks for editing it though.
Quote by VR2005
Very good post Marmoseti, you're on the right track.



Because footstools are cool - UG's Classical Guitarists


PM Marmoseti or Confusius to join