#1
Possibly the worst thing I've written. Cliche, I guess kind of pop-ish...eh. Whatever. I felt I should get it out there. There was/is alot of emotion around it and its a touchy subject but yeah. Be brutal.

Allison, I know that life ain't perfect
But please don't think that you're not worth it
You have everything and more,
Enough to push me out the door,
But I'll be right back again

Allison, don't listen to the dogs out there,
All looking for one night, for a week or two
I'll wait longer then ten for you
I'm not a liar, you know its true

I see your piercing eyes, your awsome smile, on the top of the world
But I'm swimming through a dream of possibilities
We're not together but we're not apart, Its up to you, you can break my heart
As long as you remain

Allison, don't you worry 'bout the next two years,
You'll get through and then you're on your own
If you get lonely just look me up
I'll be there in a day, if thats not enough
I won't let your brightness die

Allison, I know the wold is just a little unfair sometimes
But please don't cry, just close your eyes
And imagine happiness

Be it with me or not,
I'll be happy you're okay
If its harder then I thought,
I'll be there today

I see your piercing eyes, your awsome smile, on the top of the world
But I'm swimming through a dream of possibilities
We're not together but we're not apart, Its up to you, you can break my heart
As long as you remain

I see your piercing eyes, your awsome smile, on the top of the world
But I'm swimming through a dream of possibilities
We're not together but we're not apart, Its up to you, you can break my heart
As long as you remain

Allison, I wrote a song about you today,
But I don't want you to turn away,
I changed the words around
Out of protection for a wonderful friendship,
I hope you understand
That you mean everything to me.
#4
It sounds pretty good. So what if it's pop. As long as you're feeling it, that's all that matters.
#6
Quote by Thomasoman
Possibly the worst thing I've written. Cliche, I guess kind of pop-ish...eh. Whatever. I felt I should get it out there. There was/is alot of emotion around it and its a touchy subject but yeah. Be brutal.

Allison, I know that life ain't perfect
But please don't think that you're not worth it
You have everything and more,
Enough to push me out the door,
But I'll be right back again

Like you said, it is very cliche and I get a pop-feel to it. But I'll just assume that's what you're going for and not worry about it too much.
Decent intro. Don't really have much to say. Very straightforward.


Allison, don't listen to the dogs out there,
All looking for one night, for a week or two
I'll wait longer then ten for you
I'm not a liar, you know its true

I think focusing on the rhyme scheme too much might be setting you back. I get what you're saying, but I know you know you can say it better!

I see your piercing eyes, your awsome smile, on the top of the world
But I'm swimming through a dream of possibilities
We're not together but we're not apart, Its up to you, you can break my heart
As long as you remain

"awesome smile" sounds odd. The rest is alright though.

Allison, don't you worry 'bout the next two years,
You'll get through and then you're on your own
If you get lonely just look me up
I'll be there in a day, if thats not enough
I won't let your brightness die

Not a fan of this verse. Good idea showing some loyalty and motivating the girl, but please re-word it. "I'll be there in a day, if that's not enough" is a sweet thing to say, but the "brightness" line just does not work for me at all.

Allison, I know the wold is just a little unfair sometimes
But please don't cry, just close your eyes
And imagine happiness

Okay.

Be it with me or not,
I'll be happy you're okay
If its harder then I thought,
I'll be there today

Not a fan of this either. Too forced and redundent.


I see your piercing eyes, your awsome smile, on the top of the world
But I'm swimming through a dream of possibilities
We're not together but we're not apart, Its up to you, you can break my heart
As long as you remain

I see your piercing eyes, your awsome smile, on the top of the world
But I'm swimming through a dream of possibilities
We're not together but we're not apart, Its up to you, you can break my heart
As long as you remain

Allison, I wrote a song about you today,
But I don't want you to turn away,
I changed the words around
Out of protection for a wonderful friendship,
Awkward, IMO.
I hope you understand
That you mean everything to me.


So, other then the fact that my cliche-detector blew up, it was alright. I think you can make this much better by some revisions. Leave some for the imagination, don't just spill it all out, because then it's too simple and although the girl might think it's sweet, lyrically, it can be much better. Good effort. Mine is about a similiar topic. Crit if you get the chance? It's called "Last Goodbye".