#1
This is a little piece called 'My Devotion' and I wrote it about how I love metal (i know it sounds really corny) tell me what you think. It kinda explains how I feel when I listen to it. tell me what ya think. What album title do you find? and what song by Napalm Death?


swept all barriers aside
vacant black
screaming waves
lots of death
scream bloody gore

energy
good good vibrations
(altough thats a paradox)
sometimes it even feels like a roadtrip
but thats very personal
maybe even twisted

even the silence is deafening
and no one will ever ever defeat me

you feel it in the blood in yer veins
crazy


rock on
Some of my gear:
Epi Les Paul Custom
Fender American Special Tele
Gibson ES-339
London City Strat copy
Other Strat copy
Taylor Big Baby (acoustic)
Ibanez SGT 130 (acoustic)

Trace 2x 12" guitar amp
Dime Distortion
#2
Quote by MXFNCK


swept all barriers aside
vacant black
screaming waves
lots of death
scream bloody gore

Ok, not bad... I like the flow of short imagery lines. However, I don't get the "swept all barriers..." line. It doesn't fit in your imagery... so lose it and add a new line of imagery that you associate with metal. I also think you could use to add a more descriptive adjective in the screaming waves line... as it is to vague to actually give me a picture... so maybe "screaming _______ waves." or something.


energy
good good vibrations
(altough thats a paradox)
sometimes it even feels like a roadtrip
but thats very personal
maybe even twisted

I feel like this is a bit of a let down after the first stanza of imagery. It doesn't feel like you accomplish to much in this stanza. It almost feels like I'm hearing what you are thinking here... and it just doesn't make much sense. I don't really see where the roadtrip comes in... or how you are relating that to metal... you need to explain mroe why it feels like a roadtrip... or at least give me some kind of connection, so it doesn't feel like I need to be stoned to appreciate it. I'd take "Although its a paradox" out of parethesis and make it a full line on its own, but put a little more thought into how to put it in. The line "but that's very personal" I know it connects to the roadtrip... but again its so out there that it doesn't feel right... it just feels like a filler line, which brings the piece down.

even the silence is deafening
and no one will ever ever defeat me

you feel it in the blood in yer veins
crazy

I love the opening line... but then the second line makes this song seem like your personal fight song... which has no relation to anything else you've written about so far. Also, doubling "ever" doesn't work for me. You pulled it off alright with "good, good vibrations" but double "ever"'s isn't working. The closing is more on point than the rest of the piece... at least I can relate it to having feelings about metal.




All in all, this isn't awful. I just didn't follow it that well, which leaves me feeling like I didn't get too much out of it. However, with some tweaks and replacing a few lines, I think you could do alright.

C4C in sig... called Class Reunion... (keep in mind, I crit much better than I write, lol).

peace and coconuts,
-ZC
#3
The double 'ever' was a mistake with typing. I appreciate you getting into this. However im not gonna change is cos it are emotions from deep within, some of em I cant explain, i just searched for the right words that fit my mood/opinion. Its supposed to be raw and leave you thinking. No offense, I really appreciate your comments. Its just the way I write.
Some of my gear:
Epi Les Paul Custom
Fender American Special Tele
Gibson ES-339
London City Strat copy
Other Strat copy
Taylor Big Baby (acoustic)
Ibanez SGT 130 (acoustic)

Trace 2x 12" guitar amp
Dime Distortion
#4
Quote by MXFNCK
The double 'ever' was a mistake with typing. I appreciate you getting into this. However im not gonna change is cos it are emotions from deep within, some of em I cant explain, i just searched for the right words that fit my mood/opinion. Its supposed to be raw and leave you thinking. No offense, I really appreciate your comments. Its just the way I write.


It's good man. I don't mean for you to change your song... but when you put it up for a critique, I'm gonna tell you what I think about it. That's part of the deal when posting up here. And I understand that getting emotions into words is difficult... So no worries. Take what you want from what I said, and leave alone what you already feel doesn't need fixed.

Thanks for the note on my piece.

Peace and coconuts,

-ZC