#1
Hi, Just wrote this piece this morning in an angsty fit, just looking for some initial. I've never been too much of a writer, so sorry if I waste 5 minutes of your life.

C4C as always.

It's been 5 years since we last gathered,
Passing out fake hugs like nothing else mattered.
As always, I was in the back of the room,
Silent as the grave I dug for myself when I chose to be different.

Class Reunion,
Time to remember what I've tried to forget,
Time to go back to when I hadn't moved on.

You've always hated me,
I was everything you never wanted to see.
Obese, smart, quiet, moral
and apparently impossible to befriend.

But, somethings different now,
You all like the new me.
All of you who rejected, now want a shot
and I get to be the one to stiff arm with "I'd rather not."

Class Reunion,
Time to remember what I've tried to forget,
Time to show off that I have moved on.


Tear it to pieces...

peace and coconuts,
-ZC
#2
crazy how much I recognize the situation you drew. I mean it. lovely.
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Dime Distortion
#3
Each verse kind of roller-coastered between brilliant and mediocre but over-all it was above-average.

As you said, it's not quite MY cup o' tea either, but it was good.
Nice banana, Andy Warhol.
#4
wow, i just started reading sogns here on ug, and ive seen alot of stuff i just cant appreciate, but this was pretty well written

the last line of the first verse needs to be looked at in my opinion, just didnt flow, i would go with a shorter line.

check my post out if ud like
#5
Quote by ZanasCross
Hi, Just wrote this piece this morning in an angsty fit, just looking for some initial. I've never been too much of a writer, so sorry if I waste 5 minutes of your life.

C4C as always.

It's been 5 years since we last gathered,
Passing out fake hugs like nothing else mattered.
As always, I was in the back of the room,
Silent as the grave I dug for myself when I chose to be different.

This is the only verse you rhymed in...I expected to hear it again and I didn't. I liked it otherwise.

Class Reunion,
Time to remember what I've tried to forget,
Time to go back to when I hadn't moved on.


the last line sounds funny to me... "time to go back to what I left behind"? maybe? just a thought.

You've always hated me,
I was everything you never wanted to see.
Obese, smart, quiet, moral
and apparently impossible to befriend.

there is something i don't like here, probably just the way the lines work together...i didn't like the juxtaposition of the strong words with the adjectives i guess.

But, somethings different now,
You all like the new me.
All of you who rejected, now want a shot
and I get to be the one to stiff arm with "I'd rather not."

This works well. Great ending line.

Class Reunion,
Time to remember what I've tried to forget,
Time to show off that I have moved on.


Tear it to pieces...

peace and coconuts,
-ZC



Sounds pretty good to me.

Gear:
Partscaster/Tele into a bunch of pedals, a Maz 18 head, and a Z Best cab.
#7
I was trying to comment on this yesterday but I literally can't think of any suggestions. So I'm gonna make sure I get to your next one, since your crit was useful to me.
#8
Quote by ZanasCross



It's been 5 years since we last gathered,
Passing out fake hugs like nothing else mattered.
As always, I was in the back of the room,
Silent as the grave I dug for myself when I chose to be different.
good. real good. i like the emotion here. the pain is very evident and shows you still feel the pain even after all these years. write out the word "five," it looks better and is more appealing. i dislike how in line three it says "I was in the back of the room." it doesn't have any feeling in it. "was in" especially sounds really bland. it lacks emphasis. i love line four. very good.

Class Reunion,
Time to remember what I've tried to forget,
Time to go back to when I hadn't moved on.
i like line one, i dislike line two. it's a bit confusing to me. hard to explain but i can try. now-present: you havnt moved on. then-past: you havnt had the chance to move on. its like you are saying you are going back to when you hadnt moved on, but you are still in that stage. it's a bit confusing for me, as well as to explain. sorry.

You've always hated me,
I was everything you never wanted to see.
Obese, smart, quiet, moral
and apparently impossible to befriend.
This is simple and to the point, and yet so much more. small words have so much meaning behind them here and definitely show the pain you felt. Only thing I can say is change the word "You've," because "you have" makes it seem like an ongoing event. if you say "you always," it reflects the interruption in between now and then (five years.)

But, somethings different now,
You all like the new me.
All of you who rejected, now want a shot
and I get to be the one to stiff arm with "I'd rather not."
I don't like starting a line with "but." it feels like the reader is thrown into the middle of an idea. maybe if you got rid of but and added "however" to the end of the line, or at least something. You want the first word to be strong enough to carry interest in the reader. "something" is also rather vague. can you find a better word? i like the rest of this stanza, especially the rhyme in the last two lines. very clever. well done.

Class Reunion,
Time to remember what I've tried to forget,
Time to show off that I have moved on.

you changed the second line but let the first line stay the same. i feel the first line doesn't fit well here. You sort of sum up the "new you" in the last stanza, but here you say it still haunts you. part of you moving on is actually moving on, if that makes any sense. I may just be acting nit picky, but it sort of stuck out at me.

overall very well done. I like the emotions here, and the idea is really rather original. It reads very smoothly and I enjoyed reading it alot. Thanks again for the great crit. happy writing
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#9
The beginning seemed promising, but I think that was the highpoint- it sort of went down from there for me. I didn't like the comparison in the last line cause it seemed so harsh. "Silent as..." I mean, he/she goes on about how different they are later on but clearly they're still the same and they're still bitter.

Everything else after felt like a rant, no thought injected into it except for the repetition which I also felt was a bit careless.

I don't mean to be harsh, I just think this should be tied up together more because there's no constance in it now.
#10
I like the way this read. you have written something alot of people can relate to. it would have been easy for this to be obvious, due to the fact you made your theme obvious. But you avoided that with some good lyrics and seemingly just writing for the song, and not showing off.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=683191
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
#11
"As always, I was in the back of the room,
Silent as the grave I dug for myself when I chose to be different."

i like this bit..but why the grave ?
#12
Quote by DieKrupps
"As always, I was in the back of the room,
Silent as the grave I dug for myself when I chose to be different."

i like this bit..but why the grave ?


For me, it was a social grave. I mean, this is based on my life in High school... and during that time, I was depressed and suicidal, so it has a lot of meaning. But, I also didn't want this to become a "my life sucks, I cut because I'm emo" song... so I just didn't expand on that... however the word itself holds a lot of meaning.
#13
Quote by ZanasCross

It's been 5 years since we last gathered,
Passing out fake hugs like nothing else mattered.
I like this line but the rhyme between gathered and mattered seems a bit akward
As always, I was in the back of the room,
Silent as the grave I dug for myself when I chose to be different.
I think you should change this, it makes sense but doesnt flow very well, try keep the same idea but change the words

Class Reunion,
Time to remember what I've tried to forget,
Time to go back to when I hadn't moved on.
Fairly good chorus, could change if you wanted but its fine as it is

You've always hated me,
I was everything you never wanted to see.
Obese, smart, quiet, moral
and apparently impossible to befriend.
This last line probly needs to change, it seems to kill the flow to me, but I guess it would depend how you sing it

But, somethings different now,
You all like the new me.
All of you who rejected, now want a shot
and I get to be the one to stiff arm with "I'd rather not."
I like this verse

Class Reunion,
Time to remember what I've tried to forget,
Time to show off that I have moved on.



Its not that bad, a few changes needed to fix the flow, but I like the idea behind it and im sure it could work.

If you have time to crit heres a link
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=10981312#post10981312
#14
Quote by ZanasCross


It's been 5 years since we last gathered,
Passing out fake hugs like nothing else mattered.
As always, I was in the back of the room,
Silent as the grave I dug for myself when I chose to be different.

The first line is a bit so-so, however the rest of this stanza works well as the opening particularly the second and third lines. It's quite easy to imagine the scene, a solid opening.

Class Reunion,
Time to remember what I've tried to forget,
Time to go back to when I hadn't moved on.

Yeah, maybe I'm missing the rhythm here but it doesn't seem to flow properly to me, the last line is good IMO and ties this stanza nicely to the first

You've always hated me,
I was everything you never wanted to see.
Obese, smart, quiet, moral
and apparently impossible to befriend.

I get what you're saying with this stanza but I have to confess that I'm not a huge fan of it. It's seems very common and although admittedly there isn't a great deal of alternate ways to say what this stanza is saying it just seems quite unoriginal.

But, somethings different now,
You all like the new me.
All of you who rejected, now want a shot
and I get to be the one to stiff arm with "I'd rather not."

The idea here is fairly old but I like the way you've worded it, the last line in particular I quite like, maybe work on the first line a little more but other than that I quite like this stanza

Class Reunion,
Time to remember what I've tried to forget,
Time to show off that I have moved on.


Same comments as before and I like the small variation in the last line



Overall quite a good piece, some flow problems at times but nothing that isn't eminently (sp?) fixable.
cheers
Sam
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#15
Amazing...i know exactly what you mean. See, those people can survive well in high school, but the real world is a shock. But I must say it's a bit common in the ideas and it wasn't deep. But not all writing has to be deep, this clearly states a picture and is most likely something you had to write to get something off your chest. I do that allll the time...
Freedom is all that matters anymore...

--Chase