#1
Crit for [good] crit.


There were stars dancing about my head
but they were shot down by the ack-ack of her loveless cannons.
One by one they fell in to my tears
and the ripples moved me like I never thought they could.
Cold eyes stared at me and I cried;
I imagined the world drowning in the torrents of my despair.

Did you really think that I would sit around
while you laughed and smiled?
Did you really think I would let you live
while you had buggered me up?


The stars now bob endlessly up and down
on tremors made from the depths.
They used to have faces, but they’re weathered and worn,
albeit the smallest hint of a smile upon china.
She stays in my dreams, always out of reach,
no matter how fast I try to run; I never can…

…get to you, and I try, really I do,
but it seems to be nothing more than a lost cause now.
I’m a kamikaze pilot having second thoughts
moments before I burn, melting into the cockpit.


Mouthless, they try to sing for me
but their silent words fall on deaf ears.
I gaze sullenly out of my window into greyness,
clouds refusing to part way, showering us in shadow.
I can see her face in the patterns of the wallpaper,
mocking me with her happiness, her laughter…

...tearing through me, cutting me in two.
You say it was just a phase and I’ll grow out of you
and find the true woman of my dreams,
but the only person there is you, all there ever has been,
and I can’t get you to realise this.
You see the truth and sweep it away,
hoping beyond hope Master Time will ingurgitate it.
#3
There were stars dancing about my head
but they were shot down by the ack-ack of her loveless cannons.
One by one they fell in to my tears
and the ripples moved me like I never thought they could.
Cold eyes stared at me and I cried;
I imagined the world drowning in the torrents of my despair.
Starts out strong and "loveless cannons" really made me giggle. Thanks.

Did you really think that I would sit around
while you laughed and smiled?
Did you really think I would let you live
while you had buggered me up?


The stars now bob endlessly up and down
on tremors made from the depths.
They used to have faces, but they’re weathered and worn,
albeit the smallest hint of a smile upon china.
She stays in my dreams, always out of reach,
no matter how fast I try to run; I never can…

…get to you, and I try, really I do,
but it seems to be nothing more than a lost cause now.
I’m a kamikaze pilot having second thoughts
moments before I burn, melting into the cockpit.


Mouthless, they try to sing for me
I'm not sure if "they" are the second thoughts, or the stars, farther back.
but their silent words fall on deaf ears.
I gaze sullenly out of my window into greyness,
clouds refusing to part way, showering us in shadow.
As a Yank, I'd think this better as simply "part," rather than "part way,". Does that work in the UK?

I can see her face in the patterns of the wallpaper,
mocking me with her happiness, her laughter…

...tearing through me, cutting me in two.
You say it was just a phase and I’ll grow out of you
and find the true woman of my dreams,
but the only person there is you, all there ever has been,
and I can’t get you to realise this.
This sentence is long, and the thought becomes convoluted. This is stanza is really the only weak part of the piece, in my eyes.
You see the truth and sweep it away,
Is this a 3rd person reference to yourself? I'm not sure I like this.
hoping beyond hope Master Time will ingurgitate it.

I had to look up ingurgitate. I felt slighted that I couldn't just read through to the end, freely as I had before.

I liked this piece, but the last stanza didn't live up to the rest, imho.


I don't do c4c. Just find an random somebody, and give a few comments.
Meadows
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I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
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I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#4
This song is a little diffrent,
The only thing that i think is too wiered(cuz,there realy isn't anything wrong with it being a little wierd) is the way the song is build,it's looks like you just wrote it off the top of your head.
but all in all,its a good one=)

(crit me back please^^)